The first half of my life looks completely different to the second half and so it should. It would be a concern if it all stayed the same. Frozen, stuck and stagnant would describe a life that has not moved forward. The first half of my life up until the age of 46 years old felt cold and frozen. Perhaps I had a frozen state of living, living in worry, confusion, sadness, loneliness, desperation, emptiness, disconnected from my original design. I don’t believe for a second that I was supposed to live that way. Yes I made my choices and I have no one to blame but myself for that part.
As a young person I was living in the moment, expecting that my decisions were the right ones. I truly believed it was all going to be good. That once married, with kids, each day would unfold into a bright and beautiful future. I expected that going to church living life for God was also a guarantee to a good life. Most of what I thought was good wasn’t really that good. Underneath the surface of my life was chaos. Man made chaos. It wasn’t at all what I was led to believe. The devil was blamed for most of it. The devil got all the credit for the man made chaos. It was the same old story week in and week out, that if your life was not going well you were under attack! “YOU must be doing something right for GOD if you are being attacked by the DEVIL”, he doesn’t attack Christians that are sleeping only the ones that are awake! This is what I was told, this is what I heard in Church.
All the man made decisions that left our household finances in shambles were blamed on the devil.
I truly regret that I walked into a church at the age of 17.
That’s the day I stopped thinking for myself and got lost in a life of manipulation and control.
The message was about sacrificing yourself for God.
Giving up on your own desires and surrendering.
I surrendered alright.
That was foolish and dangerous, it shut me off from being able to think for myself. It was sinful to think for yourself. Every decision and thought needed to be in line with the bible. This meant that being married I was not to walk away, I was to submit to my husband, pray and believe by faith that God was going to change him. DANGEROUS!
I was led to believe that the more you surrendered your life the closer you would be to God. In my case surrender meant no money, no friends, no family, a lonely marriage relationship, emotional abuse, control, manipulation and fear.
REVERSE all of that and now in the second half of my life at nearly 51 years old I don’t go to church, I have a loving Fiancé, a man that makes great decisions with finances, closer relationships with family and friends. Safety, security, peace and love. I don’t feel guilty for making my own decisions. I have never felt so content. I am in a free environment where I can choose without judgement. I understand now what it is to be respected, valued and loved.
My fiancé checks up on me regularly to ensure that I am all good. He values me so much that he never wants to see me hurt, in pain or sad for that matter. He would never treat me badly. OUR relationship is healthy, wholesome and natural. There is no striving, stress or malice. We have been together for nearly 4 years in December and don’t fight. Instead of fighting we communicate. We both listen to each other and have no intention of putting the other down. We are both on the same page, we share the same values and only want the absolute best for each other.
I truly feel like this second half of my life is filled with good things, it almost feels like I am now rewarded for all the years of heartache and pain. I still have to pinch myself every now and then as its simply amazing to live a life that is so beautiful. It’s all that I could ever ask for and more. I will never take my new life for granted! Every moment and every event on this journey is better then gold.
Thank you Life for giving me a second chance. Xx
The best part about growing old is the freedom you feel in finally being your true self. We grow up battered and bruised by all sorts of situations moulding ourselves to fit other peoples expectations. How we mould ourselves tends to suit others. We become what they think we are, what they want us to be and wonder why we are not truly happy.
IF anything the biggest challenge for me has been having a voice. I’ve grown up all my life pleasing people, keeping people from getting angry, maintaining calm and peace to avoid conflict as I would most always be the loser. This meant that I just shut up and put up with whatever was dished out to me to avoid drama or rejection. This is something that was ingrained into the depths of my behaviour and belief system from a very long time ago. I learnt to be quiet, say nothing, don’t cause waves, no one really wants to know what you have to say, who do you think you are to have an opinion, a valid feeling OR any thought of your own for that matter.
Who do you think you are that you can speak your mind, your hurts, your pain, your disappointment, your anything???
NO doubt starting school unable to speak English or even understand the language didn’t help my case, I just never had the safety to open up and share my valid feelings. This created a young person that was open to more trouble and open to people that would take advantage of her inability to stand up for herself. I’ve been through manipulation, emotional abuse, neglect, discarded, put down, invalidated, lied about, under valued and have been put in a box, sealed tight to only be allowed to live in that small space so that everyone else feels comfortable.
I don’t know? I will never understand?
BUT I do know that just as everyone else on this planet has their voice, their feelings, their opinions, their wishes, their thoughts I DO TOO.
Having finally figured out over the past 5 years that I deserve so much more, I have been on a journey to free myself from the boxes people like to keep me in. My past experience dictated my behaviour. Whenever I spoke up about my feelings I was rejected, neglected and made to feel pretty damn shit about it. All the while it seemed everyone else was free to speak with no consequences.
SO I have been growing into a person who no longer fears rejection from others. Should they reject me then that’s on them and they clearly don’t value me in their life. I will never again be kept in a box and kept small and tiny with no voice.
I am learning that just as others can speak their mind to be heard well so can I.
Why should I be any different…
It is massive to release yourself from the fear of others, the fear of what they will do or say should you stand up for yourself. When you mould yourself into something you are not and live that way for a very long time others tend to think there is something wrong with you when you decide that’s not you after all. Those people usually don’t really take into account how that might make you feel being kept small and closed in. UNTIL you get the right people in your life that truly support you, love you, respect you, and want to see you grow and move forward. They are the ones you should listen to and believe. They are your biggest supporters and they will be with you all the way never giving up on you. They have your back, they stand up for you, they care about how you feel and how you have or are being treated. They don’t disrespect you behind your back, they have integrity and your best interests at heart.
Safe and healthy people in your life want you to grow and be your true self, they want you to be happy and free. They are the ones that hold your hand and say I will walk with you through anything. I love that!!!!!
There was a time I was frustrated about getting older but now I think its amazing, its freeing and I love the person that I am now, the person that is not subject to other peoples approvals or demands. If someone chooses to reject me, for me, well that’s out of my control and its not going to stop me from living.
When it all comes down to it and one day you are at the end of your life, if you can “hand on heart” say that you have no regrets with who you are as a person then that’s all the matters. One day every single person is going to be at that point in their lives when they are about to leave this earth and it is at that point that it wont matter who rejected you, mistreated you, or had no value of you in their lives. In that moment it will be about the ones that truly supported you and loved you for you.!!!!
No more boxes, no more time wasted on the people that don’t have any genuine interest or concern for your well being.
Move On, Move Forward and enjoy every single day that you are breathing.
This December 31st 2020 for our family was not a great day to bring in the New Year. I didn’t have even the slightest urge to say Happy New Year to a single soul. My Mum was diagnosed with non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. No words can describe how myself, three sisters and Dad including Mum could comprehend what was going on. It all happened so quickly, just like that!!!
This past two weeks have been a roller coaster ride to say the least of raw emotions, fears and tears. As a family we decided it was time to stand strong and to fight with her. She should not fight this fight by herself.
She started an intense round of Chemo this week which presents with it another journey. My youngest sister decided she would jump in with mum and shave her hair for the “Worlds Greatest Shave”. This will take place around the 23rd January.
I have put a link below for my blog readers who may have some spare change to support this crucial cause. It provides families with loved ones that are fighting blood cancer various and relevant supports they need to get through to the other side of what is A FIGHT!
Any amount is appreciated, it will all go to the organisation.
All the details you will see on the link below:
Thankyou for your support.
To finally have the courage to break free from an emotionally abusive relationship is by far one of the most difficult steps one will ever take. It doesn’t stop there though. It requires a lot of work on your part to de-tangle all the tightly knit lies and twisted thinking that the other person carefully planted into your thoughts. Remembering that the longer you were in the relationship the more there is to de-tangle.
It is a lot to deal with and work through when on one hand you marry a person thinking they truly love you to then go through year after year of mixed messages from them that make you feel broken. They break you one bit at a time. YOU are put into situations that hurt. A person that is feeling hurt will at some point unravel and start falling apart.
As emotional abuse is so silent and undetected others watching on at times only see your reactions of hurt and may start to think that you are your own enemy. That perhaps you are reacting with hurt due to your own brokenness. The person doing the real damage behind the scenes likes to make it look like it was you all along. They not only convince you for years that your natural responses to pain are your own doing or your own unhealed parts not their actions. They also like to convince other people that you are broken, that they are not the cause of your reactions. Its so deceptive and silent.
Imagine for a moment that someone came along and hit you! Maybe they walked up to you and punched you in the face, your natural reaction to that pain would be justified. Others looking on would not question your hurt, they would say it was justified, they saw you get punched. Its out in the open, its obvious as day light. Emotional abuse is hidden in the dark, its only obvious to the person experiencing it. So you are then faced with other challenges after leaving the relationship.
There maybe people in your life that have been swept up in the idea that you are the problem. That you were not abused. That maybe you are the abuser!
This is where standing strong comes into the scene.
THE people in your life that don’t give you the opportunity to be understood will always misunderstand you.
They have a perception about you that has been weaved into their minds by a person and should they refuse you the opportunity to be understood for what you have experienced and gone through then that relationship will not move forward.
Yes that is another side effect of leaving an abusive relationship that you cannot control. It requires strength and daily reminders to yourself of what you have lived through and how your life is so much better now.
I personally have worked through so much in the past 4 plus years and am so grateful to have another chance at life to live peacefully. I write about my experiences to allow others who may be going through that type of abuse to give them strength and hope.
Its an avenue for me to communicate and share that what could help someone else.
Always stand strong in who you are and never let anyone destroy you. Hold onto the people in your life that love you no matter what, the ones that support you through thick and thin. I am so grateful for my fiancé and my family who love me unconditionally and understand my journey. I never have to justify myself to them and they see me as I am.
STAND STRONG ALWAYS!!!!!
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