The Change that changes you

Its been forever since I last blogged. When I originally started blogging I was on a mission to make sure I got a blog in each week, which then turned into monthly and now it seems that I have missed a month or two ….

My kids, boyfriend, family, work and commitments have filled in every spare moment I seem to have these days so blogging has slipped to the bottom of the list.

The calendar on my kitchen wall gets marked off each day and it literally seems as though I am turning over each new month very quickly. At work I feel as though I am saying Oh its Wednesday today then suddenly BAMM its Friday!!! No complaint there as I love FRIDAYS!!!!

The month of September has included 4 family birthdays and 2 of them were my own children. In the month of September I had one…

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The Change that changes you

Most of what we deal with daily are people’s choices and our own decisions.

The most important lesson I have learnt at nearly 50 years of age is that we can’t change people’s minds, we can’t fix them, and we can’t convince them. When we find ourselves in that type of situation experience has proven me that it only takes up emotional energy and valuable time on issues that we can’t control.

Give yourself a break.

Allow people to make their choices good OR bad.

It’s their choice! You must at some point let go and let them choose.

What good is it to fight against another person’s choices? We wont always agree with those choices as they won’t agree with ours.

All the advice in the world and we will still make our own decision.

I may not have mastered the art of letting go however I have learnt…

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The Change that changes you

The world has been interrupted by COVID-19.

The world has stopped in its tracks leaving people everywhere speechless grasping to comprehend how to navigate safely through this unexpected moment in time. Besides all the standard safety such as washing hands, social distancing and staying home many of us are trying to figure out how to get through this mentally intact.

We all had plans for 2020!

This year personally we had some exciting plans such as celebrating mine and my partners 50th Birthdays combining them together and asking family and friends to come dressed up in 1970’s or 80’s costumes. We had organised a Professional DJ to come and play a mixture of music hits from the 70’s and 80’s to inspire dance moves on the disco floor. We had been planning the celebration for at least one year, often in discussions and planning we would break out with…

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Relationships can be fulfilling, helping us to grow and develop into loving human beings. We learn to share and consider the feelings of others. We compromise as it’s not always about getting our own way. MOST of ALL it’s about a LOVE shared between two people from two very different backgrounds and upbringings. We first meet with the hope “this is the one”, the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with. We dive in deep putting 100% into the relationship with the knowledge there will be times it might get tough and that’s when you don’t quit. You keep going making sacrifices, apologising, you tell the truth, you read up on books about marriage written by professionals. Professionals who know what they are talking about, you enquire from others about what they did when their relationships experienced cracks and with the newfound knowledge you take this and make it your own. Inspired to ignite the flame within your relationship when it becomes cold and empty.

This all sounds very legit and sensible? This is how it should be and that is what I believed and stood by for decades. Trouble was it didn’t work for me long term, it may have provided some escape and breathing space yet truthfully it was a false sense of hope. I truly was kidding myself. I was in denial and could not accept the facts. Facts don’t lie they show the truth by actions. We are all good at saying what someone wants to hear but words are only words if not accompanied by actions that match.

Let me break it down for you into simple facts to demonstrate how we can kid ourselves into believing we are in a true loving and healthy relationship.

In the first row I’ve noted down a false belief and in the next row a truth bomb! Make up your own mind and seriously think about what sort of relationship you could be nurturing. Believe me no amount of nurturing will create something healthy out of abuse, manipulation and mental instability. Everything I ever read about OR enquired about only works with two people who are healthy in the first place. When one person is so broken that the behaviour is abusive whether it be emotional, verbal or physical then none of the above will work.  I could have kept going for decades and yet it would have continued to get so bad that who knows where I may have ended up?

Thank God HE my ex told me to leave,  I took that door of freedom and did just that, which gives me a clear balanced view of what I was living with and how different it looks now in a healthy relationship. I have something to compare.

False Belief #                                                                                                                    

# BE the first to apologise        

Truth Bomb#                                                   

# Constant apologies enable bad behaviour

False Belief#

# Apologise to have a healthy relationship   

Truth Bomb#              

# Mistreatment will continue

False Belief#

# Be open and honest 

Truth Bomb#                                                                

# They will lie to you regardless

False Belief#

# Ignore their disrespect no one is perfect      

Truth Bomb#                     

# They disrespect everyone consistently

False Belief#

# Good communication will sort it out      

Truth Bomb#

# Your best efforts will get twisted around

False Belief#

# Understand they are broken    

Truth Bomb#                                            

# Understanding won’t fix them

False Belief#

# They will change if I don’t say anything      

Truth Bomb#                       

# You will upset them anyway

False Belief#

# I will say it nicely    

Truth Bomb#                                                                   

# They won’t hear you; you are the bad one

False Belief#

# Be a team and plan together        

Truth Bomb#                                        

# Plans agreed on will always be broken

False Belief#

# Support them always 

Truth Bomb#                                                              

# Be prepared to live in contradiction

False Belief#

# Create respect  

Truth Bomb#                                                                            

# Doesn’t mean they will respect people

False Belief#

# Take responsibility for your actions    

Truth Bomb#                                   

# Perfect they will always say it was you!

False Belief#

# Communicate after disagreements   

Truth Bomb#                                    

# You will always be blamed ALWAYS

False Belief#

# Give people chances        

Truth Bomb#                                                          

# How many are you prepared for? Endless?

False Belief#

# Stick up for your partner   

Truth Bomb#                                                    

# Watch them hurt family, kids and friends

False Belief#

# Ask for their advice and support                  

Truth Bomb#                          

# Be careful you might be manipulated

While this list is not extensive it provides an idea of how we can fool ourselves into believing that by doing all the right things we will have a healthy and loving relationship. Generally, this would be correct if it were a healthy relationship.

People who are in healthy relationships may not make much sense of this list, but I guarantee if you are one of those people with an abusive partner or in a toxic relationship then this will make complete sense. You will relate somewhat to what I have described. Their maybe some variances and you more likely could add your own ones to this list.

The overall message is that in an unhealthy/toxic/abusive relationship your best efforts at doing your part will not change the other person. Unless they choose to make a consistent and genuine effort taking responsibility for their part then you will be living in a false sense of hope.

I’m so passionate about sharing my story as I was once this person who was kidding themselves into believing their marriage was going to get better, that my partner was going to change and respect me and the people in my world. That they would turn into that person I could truly look up to and stand beside without feeling shame or regret.

The reality for me was this did not happen!

Please note I am not saying people can’t change and get better.

The fact is some people don’t want too!

Now that I am experiencing for the first time what it is like in a healthy relationship, I can honestly say they are two completely different worlds. Communicating is not difficult, there is complete respect, trust, admiration, no manipulation, no abuse, its BEAUTIFUL to experience the true nature of a healthy wholesome relationship. This relationship has all the ingredients for long lasting happiness, peace, love and safety.

Safety is important.

I didn’t experience physical abuse however I did experience emotional abuse, and this can have long lasting effects mentally and physically. Mental abuse is said to effect people more as it’s a hidden abuse. Only the person themselves truly know how it feels as there are no physical bruises on the outside to prove it.

PLEASE STOP KIDDING YOURSELF!

The world has been interrupted by COVID-19.

The world has stopped in its tracks leaving people everywhere speechless grasping to comprehend how to navigate safely through this unexpected moment in time. Besides all the standard safety such as washing hands, social distancing and staying home many of us are trying to figure out how to get through this mentally intact.

We all had plans for 2020!

This year personally we had some exciting plans such as celebrating mine and my partners 50th Birthdays combining them together and asking family and friends to come dressed up in 1970’s or 80’s costumes. We had organised a Professional DJ to come and play a mixture of music hits from the 70’s and 80’s to inspire dance moves on the disco floor. We had been planning the celebration for at least one year, often in discussions and planning we would break out with excitement at the thought of imagining how we were all going to be taken back in time to reminisce about the GOOD OLD DAYS.  The party wasn’t going to stop there it was to continue on to the 80’s Club in the city for more celebrations, why not? You only turn 50 once.

Party Celebrations to be postponed.

This Easter we had booked a 3-night stay at Jindabyne to get away and enjoy some down time combined with an Arts Festival by the Lake which happens every year for the locals and visitors.

Mini break to Jindabyne cancelled.

My youngest had his 13th Birthday last Saturday! He was going to have his friends join him in bowling on the Friday night prior to his birthday.

Bowling party cancelled.

The morning of his birthday I felt emotional at the thought that my family could not Celebrate a milestone 13th with us. I did all I could to try and make it memorable, pancakes for breakfast/pressies, Indian take out for dinner and a face group video chat with family who couldn’t join due to restrictions. Despite the limitation we all sung Happy Birthday to You with a phone in hand and several faces of family trying to make out the birthday boy who was about to blow out the candles on his cake. We all sung with difficulty as its very challenging singing together in tune via phone.   

The week of our 50th Birthday Celebrations also included a trip to Brisbane for training paid by the company I work for which would have given me the opportunity to see my eldest son who I haven’t seen for nearly 3 years. I had been looking forward to this for some time, finally I was going to have my mum heart topped up with a visit.

Brisbane training cancelled ~ not going to see my eldest son after all  😥

Since June 2019 my partner and I have been going through the rigorous process of bank loans and meetings with a building company to build a house! We got to pick out internal and external options and then COVID-19 happened.

LIFE HAS BEEN INTERUPTED!

People have lost their jobs unexpectedly this year 2020. Despite the governments assistance it will take time for families and individuals lives to get back on track.

Loss of life, jobs, instability, fear, worry, isolation is the new normal for some time. No one knows how long this will go on.

Our routines have been interrupted, relationships, plans and events. School and work routines have changed. Many are schooling at home online, many of us are working from home where possible and while I am thankful, I still have a job, the hours have been reduced to accommodate the losses businesses are facing all over the world.

The interruptions are many and the effects are HUGE!

In the first two weeks this all took place I found myself to be all over the place emotionally. Questions circulated around in my head as I wondered how I was going to do my job effectively which is all about assisting people with disabilities, injuries or illnesses into employment.  I was trying to manage my son’s feelings of frustration as to how the online schooling was going to work as it had not yet been set up completely, it is still in the process of organisation as I type.

Having got through the first two weeks of pressure and utter frustration I now find myself thinking about how to make the life we have enjoyable. There is nothing we can do about what has happened. We only have in our hands the ability to make each day the BEST DAY!

I have accepted that all the fun events will not happen in the next few months. There is no point to fixate on what I can’t control.

INTERUPTIONS can create new possibilities towards positive change.

We can create the BEST DAY within the current restrictions and interruptions.

We don’t need to put our humour on hold, kindness, our happiness or our relationships. We can continue to dream and plan. This will not last forever despite how it feels right now.

Yes, our lives have been interrupted temporarily.

Don’t be overcome by the interruptions, overcome the interruptions with new possibilities to create motivation for each day.

Use this time productively!

Most importantly stay safe & healthy.

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