Its been forever since I last blogged. When I originally started blogging I was on a mission to make sure I got a blog in each week, which then turned into monthly and now it seems that I have missed a month or two ….
My kids, boyfriend, family, work and commitments have filled in every spare moment I seem to have these days so blogging has slipped to the bottom of the list.
The calendar on my kitchen wall gets marked off each day and it literally seems as though I am turning over each new month very quickly. At work I feel as though I am saying Oh its Wednesday today then suddenly BAMM its Friday!!! No complaint there as I love FRIDAYS!!!!
The month of September has included 4 family birthdays and 2 of them were my own children. In the month of September I had one of those OFF weeks!!!
AND for some unknown reason the OFF week consisted of not one but several events which happened at the same time. As the old saying goes “it doesn’t rain it pours”…
We may find ourselves dealing with the pressure of w o r k , our e m o t i o n s , other p e o p l e and it ALL meshes together creating a ball we just wish we could pick up and throw out the window as far away as possible.
I cant pick and choose what my day, week or month will look like.
Unlike online shopping in which we can pick and choose with the option of returning the goods when they don’t meet the standard we thought we were going to get.
Last month I had ONE DAY which happened to have three situations happening at the same time. There were no options to return the goods. It was quite the emotional roller coaster demanding bravery. All I could think of was “more bravery”, really again, haven’t I had to be brave enough already. Despite the sadness and nerves on that day I got through it all surprisingly well….. Between me and you I think I was toughing it out on the actual day, as the next day my emotions got the better of me. All I wanted to do was go hide in a big deep and dark hole.
Life demanded that I get up and go to work!!!
I truly believe that as we venture through life’s ups and downs we are strengthened and equipped with tools for the next journey that comes around.
There is no possible way I could have imagined what life had in store for me… OR for my children. When I think back to some of the crazy situations I have been through I know that despite those situations being painful and wrong they created within me endurance, persistence and strength to get through the last two years.
I’ve learnt to stand on my own two feet and not put all my dependence on another person. Its as though I am more balanced. I can be happy being single or happy being in a relationship. I’ve learnt to shake things off!!! The industry I work in puts me into situations in which I have to deal with people who can be very agitated, angry or sad. I’ve learnt to remain calm, listen well and provide assistance in a very highly stressed environment.
B R A V E …
To be brave means you may still shake with nerves. You may also secretly plan an exit rather than face a situation head on. You may lose sleep. You may doubt yourself. You may have negative thoughts. You may believe life will never work out. You may experience anxiety. You may feel far from being brave.
BRAVE doesn’t remove all the maybe’s we feel. BRAVE doesn’t take away our vulnerabilities. BRAVE tells you: Hey you have been through hard stuff before you can get through this too! BRAVE has a proven track record which withstands the tests of time.
As we get through each of life’s situations we realise that B R A V E was there all along and remains with us forever.
We know what it means to love others and yet somehow loving ourselves can be portrayed as sinful & selfish.
Is it sinful or selfish?
Perhaps its how you define the word “LOVE”.
How can it be acceptable to love others and be frowned upon to love yourself. It doesn’t make sense?
To love others is to be there for them no matter what. To take good care of them and to do your best to protect. It means you take extra care to be thoughtful and kind. All you want for the one you love is the very best. You have there back. When the one you love hurts, you hurt. When the one you love is in trouble you are there. When you love someone you care about how they are feeling. When they tell you that something you may have done or said hurt them the most natural response is to feel awful and apologise. You make it right for the one you love. No hesitation. Its top priority!
Which brings me back to the question, what does it mean to love yourself?
As a young person i didn’t love myself i infact went the complete opposite and hated myself. This meant that i had no value in myself. This led me into making some very poor decisions. It was only natural to gravitate to people that treated me the way i thought i should be treated.
27 years worth of heartache and pain.
I married the person that matched their actions with my belief that i was not worth being treated properly.
Not many understood my journey except to see that on the outside i didn’t look happy.
Despite our church attendance and my occassional questions to other church going wives i was always left with the idea that i had to change and be the wife my husband needed me to be. That all i needed to do was PRAY and God would change my husband.
I prayed, i cried, i felt hurt and angry, i was lonely, confused, anxious, i prayed, i cried, i hurt so much. I tried and i tried. I read books, i went to womans conferences, i asked for prayer. I was desperate. I was depressed. I lived with so much confusion.
NOTHING SEEMED TO WORK.
I REALISED. …
That this man was never going to change and i did not need to stay in this unhealthy relationship any longer.
Over the last 10 years of our marriage i started to realise i was valuable.
I didn’t deserve to be abused and mistreated!
Abuse does not need to be physical. Its the silent treatment, mistreatment, neglect, manipulation, the hahaha moments when they make a joke at your expense in front of others. Rather than supporting you they leave you to take care of yourself. You aren’t their priority you are their toy. They hurt you by hurting those you love. They dont care about your feelings as its all in your head. Your too sensitive. There is no remorse to the hurt they inflict emotionally. While you are hurting they are laughing. Its hilarious to see peoples reactions they say! I love pushing peoples buttons to let the real person out that people hide, they tell you, you know their true colours.
Is that love?
Is it wrong to love yourself enough to recognise that someones mistreatment of you is wrong?
Loving yourself is knowing who you are and not letting another human being inflict harm on you. Its harmful to be manipulated, its harmful to be controlled, its harmful to be ignored by the one that says they love you. Its harmful to be laughed at or laughed about in front of others.
The damage digs deep.
It closes your heart.
You lose your own voice as you settle believing your feelings and thoughts mean nothing.
For me loving myself meant that i removed myself from harm. I realised my value and worth as a human being. I cant even imagine the outcome had i stayed any longer.
LOVING YOURSELF IS NOT SELFISH OR SINFUL, it is necessary in order to keep the balance and to know when enough is enough!!!
Self doubt has a habit of performing routine checks unannounced. Self doubt likes to interrupt the process of moving forward. Self doubt sends niggling thoughts your way with no particular schedule. It just turns up!!!
It seems as though you get through some super hard stuff in life and just as you think your on your way to an amazing future filled with sunshine and lollipops, self doubt starts to rain on your party. It can start with a single negative episode. Whether it be at work and you feel as though you are not performing your best on a given day and the world suddenly IS flat. Self doubt attempts to hijack any confidence you had in yourself.
Perhaps the bills $$$ are pouring in like large rain drops and you have no way of earning any more than you already do…this is super frustrating especially when you are the only income earner in the household. As a single parent on one income all you need is for the X to not do their part OR worse, have left you with debt you have no way of repaying and suddenly life which appeared to be doing well OK financially is going into slow motion again.
It is not easy to push past self doubt when circumstances are lining up with those niggling negative thoughts!
In July this year I will have been travelling the journey of single parent for two years. I started with nothing financially and have been climbing slowly since. I have obstacles to get through which are not my doing and are a bit of a hindrance to my moving forward. In these moments when it is ever so tempting to throw in the towel and wonder what the point is, I cant help but wonder what options do I have?
HOW do you just throw in the towel when you have come so far?
As a single parent there are moments of feeling completely alone despite the people you have in your world. Its all up to you to keep motivated and push through the barriers and obstacles.
This can be exhausting.
While there are areas of my life that are moving forward at a steady pace I am still faced with self doubt when circumstances are not as favourable as one would like them to be.
Perhaps there are areas in your life right now which are causing self doubt.
At the very least after reading my blog you are now aware of at least one other person who is also fighting self doubt.
My guess is that the two of us are not alone.
I don’t like interruptions at the best of times and I certainly am not a fan of self doubt.
I prefer progress over pain and yet it seems there will always be pain in order to progress.
As I have been whispering to myself lately to just keep going, I whisper to you today to do the same.
Keep going, one step in front of the other my friend!
No one person can keep you happy or satisfied, the moment you realise that you can be happy with OR without a special someone is the moment your free to L♡VE completely with no FEAR.
You need to be Happy with yourself first, otherwise you will hold on too tightly to people. The people that stay in your life do it because they want to and nothing can change that as much as nothing can keep them if they dont want to stay.