Author: Anu mari ~ Writing with a Purpose

Currently studying psychology part-time as a mature student. Was married for 27 years with five children of which four of them are adults and the youngest 10 years old. Life presents us with so many different situations. Some take us unexpectedly, some situations we may bury under the carpet as it can be too difficult to face. I decided to talk about some of my experiences hoping to inspire individuals and give them hope that they too can overcome life's challenges. We are not alone in this world no matter how it may feel ... Others go through the same things ... I simply care ...

Warning: Life is not ‘Set in Stone’.

~ Anu mari ~ Writing with a Purpose ~ Leave a comment

In June 2018 I will have lived in the capital city of Australia called Canberra for two years. I had grown up in Canberra since a five month old baby. Had completed school in Canberra, gotten married and had four of my five children. Back in 1997 we moved to Sydney followed with more relocations  which eventually had me living in Brisbane for 8 years. Canberra was a city I visited to spend time with my family.

Due to my visits to Canberra being fairly brief I never got a chance to see all the various suburbs to take much notice of all the changes that had happened in over 20 years.

20 Years is a long time!

The changes that I have noticed living back here in Canberra continue to amaze me.

The area I grew up in Canberra is called Belconnen. In Belconnen there is a shopping mall which I frequently walked through as I was heading to work as a young person brave enough to wear high heels every day!

I caught the bus from the suburb I grew up heading to the Belconnen Bus Interchange. The interchange looked like a big tunnel that was built high above the roads. I would walk that tunnel back and forth each day particularly when I worked in data entry as the office was at the other end of where the shopping mall was situated.

The tunnel was looking very old and worn over the years until it was eventually removed and the bus interchange had a major make over. It doesn’t look anything like it used too.

Then there are the suburbs that have grown dramatically filled with houses left, right and centre. Developers building and expanding the suburbs over the years  catering for the population growth.

Growth equals change.

Updates happen every day. Old buildings are pulled down and erected new. Roads are widened, highways are built. Even the playgrounds my kids enjoyed have been modernised. Speaking about modernised it was fairly recently that I was having an afternoon at Lake Burley Griffin. What surprised me was the public toilet!!! I felt as though I was walking into a space ship. It was so modern that you waved your hand over buttons to get things to turn on. As you walked in music started playing! I don’t know if there are other toilets like this around Canberra however a great example of how far things have come.

These changes we see around us are only a reflection of how much our lives change over time, nothing is ever ‘set in stone’.

Our children grow up and begin exploring the world creating their own families. We are constantly facing change and having to adapt to them.

The minute you settle thinking life couldn’t possibly change the smooth sailing lasts only a moment until something turns up to rock the boat!

Amidst these changes we must adapt to our new situations. Much the same way as the areas we live in are updated to adapt to the population growth or to being modernised, we will find ourselves having to change the way we have previously done things.

The person I was twenty years ago is not the same person I am today. A lot has changed. My circumstances have changed COMPLETELY.

When I was younger I didn’t give much thought to my decision making. I went with the flow, whatever felt right at the time. 20 years on I take my time and give a lot more thought to my decisions as experience has taught me that I’m best not to make decisions based solely on feelings. A good feeling doesn’t guarantee a good decision!

As a young person I ignored the facts and lived by my feelings. I have learnt to put my feelings aside and take a good hard look at the facts before I jump into anything too seriously. Feelings change however ‘facts’ don’t change.

My decision making process has evolved due to life lessons which have been my teacher. This is just one example of a personal change or rather a growth area of mine.

As life changes from moment to moment we need to change the way we do things. After all the various changes I have had over the years if I were to continue making decisions based on feelings as I did when I was younger I would find myself repeating the same mistakes.

As you get older you no longer have the energy to make the same mistakes. Mistakes are costly and we all make them. It is apart of the learning process of growing up.

We become smarter and wiser!

Much like old structures which over time start falling apart requiring a make over we too need a make over. If we think we can keep doing things the same way and never change or grow we will find ourselves stuck. You cant move forward when you are stuck.

There comes a time when you have to accept the facts!

If I were to continue living in the past remembering what it was like being a mum to five children wishing I was still there I would never move forward. The facts are that my children are no longer young. Four of them are adults. They don’t need me the same way they used to my level of care has changed. I’m here as a support whenever they need me!

BE encouraged, life will always be changing and you will find yourself needing to adapt and grow. Growth is good! Its healthy! Don’t stay stuck in the past as there is always something new and wonderful to look forward in the future.

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

At what point do you let go?

~ Anu mari ~ Writing with a Purpose ~ Leave a comment

It can be admirable grasping tightly to a troubled marriage. In a world in which relationships don’t often make it to the end we may hold on even if it were to kill us believing its our duty to stick it through!

I cant stress enough that some marriages or relationships are harmful. Harmful to you and everything you value.

You are not doing  yourself any favours  holding onto a relationship that hurts you. Inevitably you will have to ignore your needs and pretend your values aren’t that important, all the while knowing deep down that its not agreeing with you. You know exactly what the problem is yet you choose to avoid confronting the true issue. To confront what you already know is scary. If your anything like me who is generally a compassionate and caring person you will find it damn hard to be confronting or to face the truth. It is as though you care more for the person your in a relationship with than you do for yourself regardless of the negative impact it is having on your very soul, your heart and mind.

You are no good to anyone if you don’t take care of yourself, and while people may judge that idea as being selfish it doesn’t really matter what they think as it is all about your SAFETY and QUALITY OF LIFE.

The truth is while we like to believe significant people in our lives would do anything NOT to hurt us, personal experience has proven that there are people who will not change. Your desperate attempts to communicate the hurt you feel falls SILENTLY on deaf ears and a closed heart. It has no impact on them.

The heart and head have regular conversations. The heart hurts constantly hoping that its concerns will one day be realised, as it grasps to comprehend why or how a person your in a relationship with can inflict such pain. The head speaks and begs you to leave the situation. The heart interrupts with desperate pleas; “they will change”, “give them another chance”, “all relationships go through difficulties don’t give up”, “you need to change and then they will change”, “they really do love me, its because they don’t know how to show it”. No amount of convincing or reasoning changes the other person or the depth of how unhealthy the relationship is.

How long are you willing to keep trying? How long are you willing to keep hurting?

In the process of giving endless chances damage takes place. Your heart begins to shut down. You no longer know the power of your own voice. In order to continue in the relationship you master the ability to turn deaf to your own cries for help. You know  you didn’t sign up for this sort of a relationship intentionally, you had convinced yourself that it was going to work out despite all of the red flags in the beginning.

Its as though you become a martyr.

You were not designed to be walked on, used, abused or treated as though your needs don’t matter. You may have held a long standing belief that you deserve bad treatment. Perhaps the bad treatment connects with a lie you’ve believed about yourself for years which has sold you a story headlining the words;  “your not valuable” OR ” your unworthy”, “you don’t deserve anything great”.

The longer you hold on the more broken you become. When your feelings are ignored or mistreated on a regular basis numbness  takes over. Its not safe to be yourself anymore. Slowly but surely you are in lockdown. Anxiety feels closer  than your partner as you live on high alert. The moment you think its ok to relax and you believe the relationship is improving  the cycle starts again. Its only temporary relief. Good moments are short lived and outnumbered from the hurtful treatment that continues with no end in sight.

Denial empowers you to cope.

Letting go of  hopeful dreams that one miraculous day the relationship will be everything you strived for is heartbreaking. When we stand before our partner on our wedding day declaring our unending love to the end of time we really mean it. On the flipside you hear the declarations of your partner and are filled with hopeful excitement of the future only to realise (when its too late) that their actions very rarely support the words they uttered from their lips.

As the realisation sinks in you begin to start fighting for a marriage all by yourself.

They may tell you over and over that it is all your fault. You then fight harder.

From my own personal experience I can tell you that if you are with a partner who has no intention of taking responsibility you will fight forever. You will find yourself empty, broken and desperate.

I also know how extremely difficult it is to let go.

There were many a time in which I considered letting go however I was not strong enough. Ironically when I thought I was the least strong is the night that I let go. I couldn’t hold on anymore it was killing me.

Don’t keep fighting a lonely battle!

Excuses only go so far. When the actions don’t match the words consistently and the damage is deep and harmful it is TIME TO LET GO…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Each Page opens a new Chapter.

~ Anu mari ~ Writing with a Purpose ~ Leave a comment

I love writing blogs however reading a book is another story.

My commitment level to reading a book to the end is a personal struggle unless it has to do with my studies. The general routine has me pick up a book with every intent to read it. It begins with enthusiasm as I get through the first few chapters only to find that I lose momentum.  Occasionally a  book can capture my attention that I cant put it down and manage to complete it, OF which I can proudly say that I have read a book from start to finish.

There are endless books to read!

Every book has in common its structure yet the content varies depending on the author and the type of story.

Life can reflect the structure of a book. Our lives have various chapters in different seasons. Within each chapter of our life we experience a variety of life changing moments. Our lives are forever changing. No season remains the same.

The difference between life and books is we cant jump ahead to the ending. We must continue with our story with all the unknowns ahead.

There were times I felt as though I was stuck in the worst chapter of my life. Hurt filled my world repeating itself in cycles. It was UP or it was DOWN.

I recall moments of feeling extremely overwhelmed in hurt and confusion that all I was capable of doing was to huddle myself into a corner or under blankets in a bed crying. I couldn’t imagine a way out. It felt as though it was going to be forever!!!

Battling through a 27 year marriage which consisted of emotional, spiritual and mental abuse/trauma had me living in a dark fog.

I refer to the broken marriage often in my blogs as I am passionate about telling my story hoping that it may help someone one day. It took me years to figure it out. People in my world could see things were not right yet I continued to sweep it under the carpet. It was all too much for me to deal with let alone to confront head on.

To come out of an unhealthy relationship can take years when it involves abuse of any kind. There are stages you go through before you are able to be in a place of strength in order to leave. Self doubt, fear, anxiety, self blame, confusion, insecurity hold you prisoner to the person who is hurting you. They have you believing your the broken one! You spend so much time trying to fix yourself hoping that it will fix the relationship only to be disappointed over and over as you realise no amount of self help changes the situation.

Sorting myself out had its benefits. While I was constantly working on myself it gave me the strength and the understanding of my own value and worth. I grew up! I began standing up for myself!

No one has the right to treat you badly. There are no excuses. When someone is regularly hurting you, you have a god given right to say NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!

In this WAKE UP moment you are faced with a dilemma. You are now at a cross roads. You have voiced your boundaries and said to the one hurting you that you will no longer accept this treatment. When you get to this place things can go from ugly to worse. In my experience things got worse after that point. The stronger I became the worse it got. Once you are aware and have woken up to the fact that the relationship is toxic there is no turning back. You must keep moving forward no matter the cost.

You will pay the price regardless of your decisions. If you stay and continue being abused it will cost you personally in the areas of your emotions, health and overall well being. If you leave it may mean that you will have to start with nothing as I did. There will be times in which you have to confront all of your own self doubts, fears and anxieties.

There will be moments that you will second guess yourself. All your confidence as been eroded over time so now you have to start building your confidence step by step. You will need to start making your own decisions. You will question whether the decisions are the right ones.

As time passes and you begin to see that you are capable of making good decisions your confidence will grow. All the fears, doubts and anxieties which ruled your everyday previously will lose their hold on you. A person who controls your life has you wrapped up in a world that seems impossible to escape from. They have a way of convincing you that you cant do life without them. They are your only source of success. Everyone else is an imposter not to be trusted.

The story of my life began with low self esteem  leading me into a very unhealthy marriage. As each chapter has unfolded I have seen the growth in myself and experienced true freedom.

It may have taken me decades to get this far and experience a new life however I look forward to all the chapters waiting to unfold. Each new day has bought about a new breath of fresh air. Having a new set of beliefs about my own value and worth I am able make an informed decision and choose only that which is healthy. I have learnt to let go of any situation which puts me in a position similar to my previous life.

♥

 

 

 

Introducing my Valentine

~ Anu mari ~ Writing with a Purpose ~ Leave a comment

Happy Valentine’s Day …

Today on this special day I thought I would make it official to the whole wide world that I have been blessed with the most gorgeous man inside and out. He is continually surprising me on every level.

A true man with the most genuine and caring heart.

I never thought it could be possible to find someone who suits me perfectly.

Never Give Up!!!

Never settle for less than you deserve. Be patient and hold onto your true value and the right person will come into your life at the right time.

Sending my love out to the world on this Valentines Day!!!

 

Happy Weekend :)

~ Anu mari ~ Writing with a Purpose ~ Leave a comment

Dear Blog Readers and Writers,

Another weekend is upon us,

a time to sit back and reflect on this past week.

Where ever you are in this big beautiful world,

I just want to say “Thank you” for taking the time to read the blogs I write.

Life is a journey we all take with its twists and turns.

Writing about ‘real life’ not only gives me an avenue to express my ‘real feelings, challenges, thoughts & breakthroughs’,

it allows me to reach out to the person on the other side of the world to let them know

life will get better !!! 🙂

Anu Mari 

Do you find yourself Over-Reacting?

~ Anu mari ~ Writing with a Purpose ~ Leave a comment

Growing Pains

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines a reaction as: the way someone acts or feels in response to something that happens or is said etc.  We are designed to react to certain situations. It can be for our safety for instance in which you need to move fast to avoid sudden danger. We may react to a certain smell in food which alerts us into avoiding something that is no longer edible it is past its due date. Our bodies are designed to react.

What about when we react emotionally. It is normal to react in anger when someone mistreats you or abuses you. Sadness is healthy and normal when you are grieving for someone or something lost. Being Happy is an emotion to an experience that brings us Joy.

So what is an over-reaction?

There are times when we may over react. Over reaction was common for me when I…

View original post 359 more words

What do you do when your stuck in bed? you write :)

~ Anu mari ~ Writing with a Purpose ~ Leave a comment

SO this past four days I have been fighting hard against a virus. I was determined to beat it and got myself to work. However, this morning the virus WON! I have now surrendered, left work early and dropped into my comfy bed. I have entertained myself with Netflix long enough today and decided that since I have been incredibly busy this past year with work and my blogging has taken a bit of a backseat that I would WRITE A BLOG!
I started blogging about two years ago during a christmas break. I had time to think and put down my thoughts. The blogs began with inspirational stories of how I struggled with low self esteem as a teenager. I poured out my heart hoping that by being real others would stumble across my story igniting them with hope that they too could be free from feeling ugly and unwanted. I wrote about how the feeling of being ugly and unwanted was how I felt about myself not necessarily what others thought of me.
As I continued writing blogs each month I touched on various topics which resinated with my own personal struggles. Little did I know that in July 2016 my blogs would take on a whole new journey as I was on a whole new journey.
LIFE CHANGED BIG TIME!
For 27 years I was fighting hard to have a healthy marriage/relationship with my now ex-husband. Most people get married believing it will be forever…. By nature, I can be quite stubborn and determined. I was determined to make the marriage work. In no way do I declare myself to be a perfect person I have my flaws like everyone else. What I didn’t understand all those 27 years was that while I was fighting to have a great marriage I was fighting a losing battle. It didn’t matter what I did the core of our relationship was unhealthy.
We were both two broken young adults who got together, had five amazing children and lived in a toxic relationship for most of the time. I say most of the time as there were days which seemed happy and hopeful. Those happy and hopeful days quickly turned into dark and lonely days. It wasn’t enough that I wanted a great healthy marriage I had no control over how my ex husband was going to respond. Unfortunately, his responses were for the most part unhealthy causing a lot of grief and hurt (which you can read more about in previous blogs).
SO I gave in and stopped fighting for a healthy marriage. It was time to fight for myself. No person is strong enough to cope with unhealthy toxic relationships forever. There will come a day that if the relationship continues being destructive you must make a choice. There are only two choices. STAY OR LEAVE.
I FINALLY LEFT…
That decision had me starting life all over again with ZERO.
While dealing with grief and loss I picked myself back up and was accepted into employment. Employment = Finances. While the finances are not a lot they are enough to pay the bills, and keep a little aside for emergencies.
Since I hadn’t worked for quite some years due to being a house mum it was another battle to get through all the self-doubts that come your way when you start a new job. I stuck in there and continued going to work on days  I didn’t feel capable.

Nearly a year on I got a promotion!

All the hard work and growing that took place put me in a position in which I was ready to accept a more challenging role (while inwardly freaking out of course). This year I will be growing into that new role and no doubt there will be some more fights taking place against SELF DOUBT.
This year will be another NEW YEAR of growth and opportunities that I look forward too.
WHO KNOWS?
Perhaps I will be writing a blog about a special man that walked into my life and planted a smile on my face 😊😊😊😊
Only time will tell, life is about taking each day, embracing the day and not giving up!!!
Our fights are temporary.

This virus I am fighting has temporarily put me out of action but not enough that I can’t BLOG 😊.

Happy Wednesday !!!

 

What’s more important: people or image.

~ Anu mari ~ Writing with a Purpose ~ 4 Comments

Having gone through a major life change as I have, I felt challenged to write about something which tends to be overlooked, not spoken about or simply ignored. Those of us that have gone through serious dark times can relate to the feeling of being judged or misunderstood. I felt challenged to write about the topic ‘Christian’. Yes Christian! The word we associate to church, bible or religion.
Don’t get freaked out! I am not writing against the bible, church or the Christian.
Having been involved and attended church for decades I am speaking about something I believe should be said. It is personal to me. It has affected me. Not many would understand unless they had gone through an experience which would take them to places breaking apart small minded thinking and judgements of other people.
The fact of the matter is that I was married to a man that claimed to be a Christian. Without going into all the details of how I was mistreated, the purpose of writing about a topic such as this is the hope it will encourage others who may be in the middle of OR have gone through a similar struggle. Deep down I would hope that people who are quick to judge and live in a world too small would get a glimpse into reality rather than resort to the typical Christian phrases or bible verses blinded to ‘the real issues’ in life.
Personally, I believe what the bible talks about and I believe there is a God. Having experienced situations for myself I could never deny that God exists. Unfortunately, there are people who choose to use the bible to control others. It may be an individual or the leadership of a church. These people grab parts of the bible and use it to manipulate, control and attempt to scare the hell out of people.
The trouble is that often these people believe wholeheartedly that they are doing the right thing? Are they misunderstanding the bible? Where does this all come from?
Since my life changed over a year and half ago I have not gotten to the point in which I desire to go to church. I have tried a few times earlier when I first got to Canberra however hearing all the typical Christian phrases, messages and watching all the typical routine within a church doesn’t appeal to me. Sometimes it can feel a little like a rehearsed show. Do people really benefit from clichés?
At this point in my life I just want what is REAL and GENUINE. I have found that listening to people’s real-life battles in the place I work has been like therapy for myself. People going through real issues are usually open and genuine. They have nothing left to hide. They don’t have an image to uphold in front of others. When I have the privilege to listen to a person’s dark time I relate to them. Everything within me stops for that moment and takes in what this person is pouring out. I genuinely listen. I don’t have all the answers and they don’t expect me too. I don’t have an agenda or motive behind why I am listening, I just genuinely care about people.
Why? in the darkest hours of a person’s life is the Christian person often such a hindrance. Throwing judgemental words at the hurting person. The person who doesn’t need anymore hurt!
The fact that I currently don’t attend church does that mean I don’t believe in God? Or the bible?
The way I am living out my beliefs may look different to others. Isn’t it about the heart? Your motives and intentions? Your behaviour?
I simply cannot fathom that a God who is talked about as a loving heavenly father would be so nasty as to banish a person from his love if they were not attending a church on a regular basis. I believe God is sooooo much bigger than that. Perhaps us humans like to contain God into a very small space.
The amount of pressure often put on a Christian is another topic altogether. That if you follow all these steps daily you will be closer to God:
1. Read bible daily
2. Pray daily
3. Attend church weekly
4. Attend a bible study
5. Attend a ladies meeting
6. Attend a small group
7. Evangelise your neighbourhood and the world
All sounds good and great and involves a lot of DOING but what about who you are as a person?
A person’s beliefs don’t make them a loving person. You can attend every session under the sun, running from one group to another and ignore your family, mistreating them worse than your worst enemy. All in the belief that without DOING all of the above you will fall short of what it is to be a Christian!!!! Failing to recognise that the way you treat others should be right up there on the priority list.
I’m thankful that I have been able to see life from a different perspective. I’m so much happier and content without all of the unnecessary pressure to perform or keep up an image.
It took me along time to come out of an unhealthy relationship involving a lot of control which included emotional and spiritual abuse. The bible was often used to manipulate and scare me. Sadly, this is an all too common occurrence. This experience has changed me and my thinking for the better. You could say that it busted through my small thinking and my judgements of other people.
It also made me aware of how easily we can get mislead and controlled if we don’t use our god given brains. At the end of the day all that matters is that you live life in a way which leaves you free to be yourself! You know who you are, there is no need to keep striving towards an image someone else has established somewhere back there ←
→ move forward and don’t be controlled by others. Every human has a god given right to be themselves, we all have a different history, future and purpose.

We don’t need to be copies of others.

 

 

 

 

Behind the Scenes.

~ Anu mari ~ Writing with a Purpose ~ 3 Comments

Life today is actively focused on what we see outwardly, rarely do we see past the external. Social media has taught society that a happy profile equals a happy fulfilling life. Smiles on social media profiles are a little like the perception of advertising. Big bright sexy smiles on products lure consumers into the belief that they will be ever so happy and satisfied once they purchase THE product, whatever THE product may be at the time.
To put an advertisement together one would expect it to take quite some work. Hours of take one, take two, take three…… until finally the advertisement is perfected and suitable for viewers. Make up is re applied, hair is touched up and actors are directed by the director for each shot. We see the final product without seeing the days, weeks or months it took to put that advertisement together. Editing removes the imperfections, the mistakes, the bloopers that were not a part of the script.

 

In the real world we don’t get to edit our mistakes or regrets. That which has taken place in our lives cannot be wiped out. We eventually have less attachment to the past as it fades with time however we are impacted in some way or another forever. The past carries our between takes and behind the scenes sweat and tears. The people who are closet to us know our story and the further away a person is to our lives the less they truly see. They are usually the people who get to see the final product without the knowledge of what actually took place for years prior to a persons happy social media profile. From my own experience I can honestly say that I have uploaded profiles onto social media at times in which life sucked…only those closet to me knew what was really going on behind my carefree profile picture.
As my life has progressed along month by month following my marriage break up the smile on my face has not only stayed on longer but is real and genuine. I’m not having to hide a bunch of pain that used to be going on behind the scenes in my life. I had learnt how to pretend that everything was alright and on the inside I was dying a little more every day.
Pretending takes its toll.
I couldn’t pretend anymore. The mental and emotional parts of me lost the strength to be fake. It is as though they collided into each other ready to combust causing me to have what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown.
While we like to think we are strong enough to handle continuous painful situations there is a point in which our bodies say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Thankfully when I got to that point in which my body was screaming at me to do something I actually listened, finally I listened. That moment scared me! I had never quite experienced such overwhelming deep cries coming from within me, it was too powerful for me to control. It was these overwhelming deep cries that gave me the strength to pack my bags and walk out of the most unhealthy relationship. In times past I would have gone back for fear of life not working out believing that I didn’t have the ability to get anywhere by myself. Due to the nature of the unhealthy relationship there are occasionally moments I still have to battle with ridiculous thoughts such as; I wont ever be happy as I left my marriage and therefore I am doomed for failure, as though I am in the wrong that I didn’t stay and continue being treated far less than any human should ever be treated.
I was led to believe that as a god fearing person I should stay with my husband and submit. That if I only continue being the wife that this man needed he would eventually change and start treating me right.
That never happened….
When you are in the midst of an unhealthy relationship it is so damn difficult to get yourself out. As I look back over what my life was then to what it is now I am so thankful that I finally listened to myself and did something about it. I started all over again with nothing. I did have great family support and assistance however I still had to pick myself up and get past all of the brainwashing that had got me believing that I didn’t have what it took to make it. That unless I was still with my husband I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own. That my life would end up being more messed up without him.
Each of those lies have been exposed as what they are, just lies….
It is amazing what people will say to try and keep you stuck to them. It’s a little bit like false advertising. “Stay with me and life will eventually be incredible, leave me and your life will be in ruins”….

To that I say “I left and life is becoming incredible, had I stayed any longer I would have been ruined”…..

 

Be easy on yourself #relax

~ Anu mari ~ Writing with a Purpose ~ 4 Comments

Hello readers!
Some 15 months on into this new journey of mine I thought I would take some time out to write a short blog. While my life is on the up and up the new responsibilities I have keep me extra busy with work, study and life! There hasn’t been much time to write down my thoughts or experiences of late.
I’m not sure about you but I’ve often thought that perhaps by now my life would be all settled and sorted yet the truth is it isn’t. Yes, personally I am in a better place yet there are days in which I still find myself searching for answers. The search can take place in my mind. As I sit and go through the past 15 months with all the various experiences I question each stage and moment thinking about, what just happened? Is this real? Do I know where I am headed? Will my life fall into place that eventually I settle into this new space as comfortably as you do when you drop onto the lounge after a hard day at work and just relax?
My emotions go on the search at times seeking out comfort.
If you can imagine what sand looks like beneath the waves as it hits the shores my life resemblances that scene. Movement is happening regularly. Things are shifting and changing, still looking to settle into its rightful place. I’m no longer in the deep ocean feeling as though I am drowning it’s just a new location. It is a safer place but a changing space.
Work has been a constant change which has required a lot of growth on my part. From more hours to changes within the structure of how the company is doing things. I’m sort of surfing work now riding the waves and often dropping off the surf board trying to get back on.
You could say that I have also surfed a little in terms of new friendships figuring out which wave to catch and which one to continue surfing on.
AT the current moment it is all a ride which is constantly changing.
There have been times when I have given myself talks like a coach to a football team and told myself to sort it out already. That surely after 15 months I would be more knowledgeable of what is going on. That surely by now I would feel completely and truly settled into my new space.
The daily routine of life is settled and organised it is all the other stuff one deals with that is still shifting and changing.
Questions such as these can keep me occupied; so now that I am single what do I really want with my life? Will I settle into a new relationship with someone one day? How will I be able to do that with all the various concerns that can keep me at a distance?
After coming through a long-term marriage break up the last thing you want to do is be in a situation in which you are going to get hurt again.
You know why?
Hurt, hurts!!!!
As kids we are told to stay away from touching the stove yet at some point we touch that hot stove and never do it again. After a long term relationship it feels a little bit the same you don’t want to really do it again.
When these questions overtake my mind, I must keep reminding myself that there is no need to rush into anything with anybody. I am still healing, and things are all over the place in terms of emotions and just a general sense of trust in another human being. Trust is being developed on a gradual process within new friendships.
There are times in which I can’t even fathom how a person can commit to someone after they have been so broken and hurt from a previous relationship. Perhaps it takes years to break free of that fear?
OR perhaps it depends on who that new person is? Are they someone who understands your fears and mistrust and are willing to work with you at rebuilding it all over again. Do they care for you enough to have the patience to deal with all the insecurities you have so that a healthy relationship can develop over time?
I do believe it is all possible it is just a matter of time and healing … We can be our own worst critic expecting more results than can be possible within our time frames. When I get too hard on myself I consciously stop and say out loud that everything is going to be alright. That things will fall into place in all areas. That one day I will have a healthy meaningful relationship with someone special who will treat me the way I have always wanted to be treated. A man I can adore and respect with all my heart and a man who loves me in such a way that all my broken pieces suddenly fit together.
When life has knocked you around and you are still finding your feet don’t be too hard on yourself it will take time and patience for all of the pieces in your life to fall into their rightful place.

🙂