The side effects of emotional abuse.

The effects of emotional abuse spread far and wide. Having lived in that situation has given me deeper insight to the long lasting effects of being treated so poorly. If it isn’t enough to rebuild your own sense of worth you might find that you are devalued in the eyes of others who don’t understand. Emotional abuse is so subtle at times, its a secret weapon used by another to control and manipulate a person or situation. The person being abused is subjected to all types of behaviours. Those behaviours are harmful, hurtful and demoralising. They make you feel alone, useless and stuck!

It won’t matter how much effort you put into the relationship as it will never make a difference. It isn’t about you. I found myself always trying hard to make it work. I wanted to be a good wife. I wanted to have a happy life. I wanted my children to excel and be loved.

So much takes place in the unconscious of those that are around an abusive relationship. The children only see what is visible to them. They witness a mother who is depressed, anxious and at times has outbursts as she is pushed to breaking point. The father shows the children how to treat their mother. The displays of disrespect, unwillingness to take accountability, sly remarks, rejection, manipulation, control, lack of support, humiliation and blame.

Year after year of this treatment has an impact not only on the mother but also the children. The children become adults and take that lived experience with them. It either draws you closer to them or it becomes a constant roadblock. As a mother having left the abusive relationship you might find yourself feeling as though you will never be seen for who you are now! That you are deserving of respect and value. That at the time when you were barely getting through each day at your lowest, unsupported, ridiculed and mocked you were seen to be broken. Rightly so, how could you be confident and happy.

The regular comments to the children, “your mum needs healing from her childhood”. Your mum is acting like that because she is broken. Your mum isn’t spiritual enough. She isn’t spending enough time with God and his word. She is becoming worldly and if she ever leaves me she will become an alcoholic and stop going to church.

Those words, those spoken words to the children how powerful they were for them to hear. It continues to have an impact on me as a person and my relationship with some of them. I often think about how unfair that is and why did that have to happen to me. I have missed out on so much in so many areas of my life.

Eight years on from that life, I have been living with a new husband who treats me way beyond what I have ever experienced. He is the most supportive person I have ever come across. He loves me more then I have ever been loved. He has made up for all of the heartache and pain. He has provided me with a safe place to be myself and explore what it is to have a healthy relationship. He has been by my side for nearly six years as I have been rebuilding myself and allowing myself to be ME.

There are areas of my life that I may never get back however I have to accept that as part of my journey. I have to remind myself of how far I have come and all of the good that I have in my life now. I have taught myself to stop trying to change what I can’t change. I remind myself that I can only do so much and what is outside of my control is outside of my control.

Taking good care of yourself

Taking care of your mind/heart is equally important as taking care of your body. When our bodies get sick we know to go and visit the GP. We take the time to rest and allow our bodies to recover so that we can get back up on our feet again and do life. Sickness is our body saying I am not well take care of me. Depending on what is going on at the time you may not be able to keep food down so you stop eating. You stay in bed to rest rather then go out. The GP might advise you to take medication or antibiotics to support your body in fighting off viruses or infections. Your routine changes for awhile as you deal with whatever is going on so that you can heal/recover. It is hard to ignore being sick.

Our mind and heart require our attention at times. We shouldn’t ignore the signals. If you are feeling anxious, depressed, sad, angry or unhappy there is reason to stop and consider what is the cause. We all have those random off days when we don’t feel like ourselves. Those days are not so much of a concern. It’s the days you have that continue day in and day out where you can’t seem to get on top of it. That is the time you should consider getting some support.

We all need support at times. We go through experiences, circumstances that have a lasting impact and can take its toll. As an example when you lose someone close to you. Such as I lost my mum just over two years ago. Its natural to grieve and go through the emotions of it. There are circumstances that happen we have no control. I couldn’t have changed the circumstances that surrounded my mum she was very sick with cancer.

The good news is that there are areas of life we do have control. Who we hang around for instance. Should you continue in a friendship or relationship with someone that hurts you? They hurt your mind and your heart. I often talk about that in my blogs as I was one to stay in unhealthy relationships. From all of my experiences while it took years to figure out I no longer allow myself to be subjected to another persons bad behaviour. Bad behaviour aimed at another is hurtful.

What is bad behaviour?

Bad behaviour comes in many forms. Cruel remarks, insults, manipulation, lies, disrespectful communication, sarcasm, belittling, neglect, punishment, emotional/physical/spiritual abuse, threats, control, being excluded, judgemental, aggressive, rude and more.

There are people that live and breath bad behaviour. They don’t for a minute consider how it makes the other person feel. They don’t take accountability for the behaviour and often find it amusing when the person they are targeting reacts to it. They love to hurt and inflict pain. To add insult to injury they have a natural ability to make the other person feel like its their fault!

This is where you have the control to remove those people from your life. You do not need to continue being another persons punching bag. Those people have deeper problems then they allow themselves to believe. It is damaging to be around someone that treats you badly. It will mess with your mind and break your heart. It is intended to strip you of your human right to be safe and happy. As humans we all have the right to safety and peace. When another human tries to invade your space or tries to take away your right to live a happy life then its time to take a stand. You do not have to stay in that situation, you can choose to put a stop to it.

You most certainly don’t need anyone in your life that behaves badly. It will only break you on the inside and leave you hurt and lost. Yes that will mean less people in your life!!!

Your life will be better off without that type of treatment. Your mind and heart will have a chance to repair and get stronger. Your intuition and experience will be your warning bell. It won’t take as long to identify those people and leaving less time for them to blindside you. You will see the bad behaviour like neon signs on a billboard.

Your mind and heart deserves your time. Take good care of yourself!

Today I thought of you

Today I was reminded of my parents wedding anniversary of 54 years as my sister shared a post on Facebook. She shared a beautiful wedding photo that captured their youth, love and future together. My thoughts kept travelling back to my mum all day today. My mum has been gone for over two years. I finished work early today for an appointment and couldn’t help but drive past the old family home. My parents had moved out of that house many years ago. They moved in when I was about 4 years old. It was a brand new home that needed landscaping amongst other things like curtains. When I stopped next to the house today memories of mum flooded my heart. It is hard to understand or even believe that my mother who carried me and raised me is no longer here.

Since the house changed owners many years ago, it no longer resembles a clean and tidy maintained home. The front yard is messy, and the house is hidden behind overgrown trees. I drove away thinking about my mum and how much I miss her.

Even though my mum is gone and the old family home is neglected, all of the memories I have in my heart can’t be erased with time. The memories will be with me forever, tucked away. Grief is made up of so many emotions and moments. Grief can vanish briefly and allow you to smile. It might make you cry suddenly when you least expect it. Grief can turn into anger when you think about the actual disease, cancer, that took her life.

I love you Mum and miss you more then anything 💜

Make it Count.

It is nearly 9am 31st December 2023 in Australia. We are on the verge of a fresh new year 2024.

I cannot help but think about how to make the new year count when I look back at the past year.

One of the biggest changes I had was in my work life.

The company I worked with for nearly 4 years lost their contract so we were all made redundant. The new company that was given the contract offered everyone to continue in their jobs. This is where I had an opportunity to make a change. There were aspects of my job that I loved which involved assisting people who had disabilities to gain employment. Then there were the dreaded KPI’s. Key performance indicators! Unrealistic, unhelpful carrot dangling exercises that were there to push you every month for results. No amount of pushing, pressure or techniques really made any difference. When working with people who have disabilities there are so many variables that need to be considered and sadly the industry I was working in doesnt truly take that into account.

Numbers, numbers and numbers. Push, push, and keep pushing. Never mind about the person in front of you that you are supposed to be assisting into a suitable job. Get those numbers coming in!

These unrealistic expectations (KPI’s) created intense pressure, competition between colleagues and toxicity. I tried my best to stay away from toxicity however it was around me most days. Staff shortages led to working on my own a lot and in the end it burnt me out on all ends. I put my heart and soul into each person that I was supporting and yet in the end I had to decide if it was the right job for me given the nature of how it works from the top down.

When we were all informed of the redundancy months prior I had started looking for opportunities and put my application forward for some positions away from what I was currently doing. I had made it onto a merit list with no guarantee of an actual job. ON the very last day of cleaning up the office that was closing down I was pushed to the brink of what I could handle. At that point I decided this is enough! I am not going to continue with the new company and sent in my resignation before I even started. I am not someone that takes risks to that extent. I had no guarantee of a new job I only knew that I couldn’t put myself through this any longer, my time was up! I sent in my resignation on the Thursday evening and Friday morning got a call from the employer that had me on a merit list asking to come in for an informal chat.

From Friday morning to Tuesday morning I waited to hear back. I got the call and was offered a position starting in a few weeks. I let go of the old to start with the new.

At the end of July I started in my new role in human resources a whole new role in a new environment. It has involved ALOT of learning on my end. It was not easy by any means however it was my stepping stone to leave another chapter behind and move forward. Toxicity is not allowed in my new work environment. I am protected from all sides. I am in a much better environment when it comes to work, health and safety. I don’t need to battle with mental mind games any longer. Work loads are monitored. You are taken care of as an employee.

I made my last year count by taking the risk, making the move.

Let’s see what the new year brings!

Wishing you all a very “Happy New Year”, all around the world.

Remember to take care of yourself and family.

Merry Christmas !

As I write these words Christmas has visited and left for another year. I’m late! A true example of time that does not stand still.

Hope you have all had a lovely Christmas this year. Each year it is a little different. The food and drinks dont change so much but we do. Who we are by the end of the year depends on how much we’ve grown. What we have experienced.

My year was big!

My year continued in recovery from thyroid gland removal. Definitely not easy. It has taken me determination to make it through days I would have rather been in bed due to fatigue. In the midst of the recovery I started a completely new job! Talk about mental overload. I have no idea how ive managed to get through it BUT I did!!!!

Sheer determination got me up each day. Some days were overwhelming and exhausting. Tears, frustration, fear, anxiety and discomfort.

Its incredible how as humans we continue each day with life despite the challenges. I reflect back on my year and I appreciate how I’ve got through it!

How was your year?

What did you overcome?

Feel free to share your experiences in the comments 😊