Your Path, Your Pace

We all have a story! A theme that wraps around life like liquorice ice cream. Bitter-sweet, familiar, recognisable within seconds! I have several themes that have followed me throughout my life, from my early days right through to my current day.

My very first day of Kindergarten is not easily forgotten. I remember walking into a classroom feeling overwhelmed, unable to comprehend that fitting in was initially impossible!!!

I only spoke and understood Finnish, having been brought up with Finnish parents. They had left their home country for a brighter future in Australia. My mum attempted to have me attend preschool, however, after several memorable occasions where I stood at the gates crying after Mum left, it was decided that I was best staying home. Preschool wasn’t compulsory.

There was no way to avoid Kindergarten.

The first day of Kindergarten told me that I was different.

My name, Anu, was unusual! I couldn’t speak English, nor did I understand what the teachers or other kids were saying. It was lonely! I felt vulnerable, misunderstood, sad, scared, anxious and completely out of my comfort zone.

Kids had a way of letting me know that my name, Anu, was different. They came up with all sorts of versions. While I didn’t understand the conversations around me, when my name was hurled around in different versions, I knew they were making fun of it.

I am not entirely sure if the kids saying my name in several nasty ways was worse, or the fact that I couldn’t respond back!

I don’t recall the exact timeframe it took for me to learn English, however, by then my self-esteem had taken a beating.

I was the last one to speak. The one at the back of the room. The quiet kid. The shy kid. Mostly invisible!

I preferred being invisible. It felt safer.

It was enough to be mocked and joked about in the beginnings of my schooling. I didn’t want any more attention. I minimised myself in a crowd or even in a small group. I didn’t believe anyone would be interested in what I might have to say.

I had made up all these scenarios to keep myself safe.

The more quiet I was, the safer I felt.

Until that became an issue!

“Why don’t you talk?”

“Why are you so quiet?”

“Why are you so shy?”

And on it went.

Every interaction pushed me further away emotionally and mentally. I had no desire to fight. I just let them win!

My voice didn’t matter. It wasn’t important.

I kept my voice to myself when I was alone and frustrated, wondering what I had done wrong in this world to be pushed around so much.

As a kid, I couldn’t comprehend my vulnerabilities, my triggers or how I could possibly change how others saw me. I didn’t have the knowledge or awareness of what to do about it as a kid.

High school was equally the same.  I was Invisible, yet noticeable enough to make fun of.

My voice continued to be silenced, as if I didn’t exist in this world. I was a punching bag! A laughing stock! A joke!

Every day at school was like being in battle.

A battle within myself, and a battle to make it through another day of feeling small and insecure.

It was exhausting to be at school.

My radar was on alert all day, observing the next potential threat coming my way.

I learnt to accept the voices of others that put me down. I didn’t know how to respond back. I knew that it didn’t feel right and that it hurt, but somehow I was convinced that I was the problem.

I convinced myself that all the nasty words and comments directed at me were essentially my fault.

If I were more popular, confident, attractive, funny or athletic, then I would be treated better.

I would be liked.

I would fit in.

No, no, no, no and no…..

Not true!!!!!

From that time of my life, there are decades in between that have taught me many lessons.

The biggest lesson that I have learned is that it doesn’t matter what your background is, what your limitations are, what you look like or how popular you are.

Others who speak badly to you, whether through their tone or their words, don’t have an excuse.

They like to use the “you’re too sensitive” or the “I was only JOKING” card.

They think that gives them the right to be disrespectful, rude or abusive!

It doesn’t.

There is no excuse for poor behaviour.

If a person in your life values you, they will not speak down to you. They won’t intentionally hurt your feelings. They will take the time to care about how you feel and listen to you when a line has been crossed.

I have learnt the hard way, through many shed tears, that I do NOT deserve mistreatment from absolutely anyone.

They don’t get to use the “you’re too sensitive” card on me!

I won’t accept that as an excuse.

Name the behaviour for what it is, and be willing to accept that those people may choose to exit your life when you finally do.

After everything I have been through, I am quite content and happy with only having a few people in my world.

I don’t need nasty, disrespectful people around me.

They don’t add to my life.

They take from me.

Keep the people who value you close, and let go of those who couldn’t care less about how they make you feel.

We all have a story.

And sometimes the biggest part of our story is finally learning that the way others treated us was never a reflection of our worth.