Posted in Acceptance, courage, Freedom, Healing Process, Inspiration, parenting, relationships, Strength and resilience

Not on my watch ….

An area of weakness within my DNA and core of who I am is the tendency to believe that all people are good and they have your back. Time and time again I have found that not to be the case. We meet people along the path of life whether they be work colleagues, family or friends that can turn on you without warning. Way back in my younger days I was always worried about being liked. It held too much of a focus. I don’t think I was really aware at that age of how hard it can be to please and impress everyone. The need to keep everyone happy OR to be liked had me under a lot of pressure. It had me being someone I wasn’t at different times. I would have to go with the flow, speak as others speak, do as they say OR else be judged, be left behind, be hated OR ignored. I couldn’t stand the idea of others not liking me when I was young.

When you are young and trying to impress others or trying to keep the peace you hold back on who you really are. Others don’t get to know you as YOU. As my young self it felt like such a RISK to be me. FEAR kept me bound, it was about the risk of losing, the risk of failure which had my thoughts, opinions and words locked up inside of me. I would hide them with a smile. Little did others know how painful it really was to keep my mouth closed from speaking, holding in what I really thought about something, pretending to like it, pretending to be happy when I was in fact hurting, angry, sad etc.

As a 52 year old looking back on my young self always gives me clear answers as to how I managed to get into situations that were not good for me. It was always about fitting in, about not upsetting anyone and as mentioned before “going with the flow”. … Blending in, not being different, not having a voice, invisible, silent, careful, on edge, pretending, lonely and sad. In a way I was like a robot doing as others do or being as they wanted me to be. Holding onto the desperate need to please everyone I fought to stay on their good side. People liked me because I didn’t challenge them. I was easy to manipulate, control OR disregard.

The idea that people always have your back was smashed many times over in my life and even now I experience what people can be like. As we all do of course. We all have our experiences with people. Probably one of the most biggest challenges I have given myself since my life changed drastically in 2016 was to never stop being myself. It was about choosing not to be a people pleaser, not allowing myself opportunities to fall into any traps for others to control my life. As I have been there and done that. I paid the ultimate price back in 2016 when I walked away leaving 4 adult children behind. To this day I still cant quite comprehend how I did that, as my children have always been the love of my life. I can only say that it was desperation to save myself that kept me strong. The pain and heartache I went through during that period I wouldn’t even be able to describe unless you are someone that has gone through the same experience. The one thing that has kept me sane is the knowledge that had I not left I would probably not even be half of who I am today. I would have gone to the next level of serious mental health crisis.

Having been through the ultimate sacrifice as a mother I am unable to tolerate certain behaviours from others where once upon a time I would have just smiled and pretended I was ok with it. In my life now I don’t allow others to dictate who I should be. I won’t let anyone no matter who they are, to think they can treat me whichever way they like and think is OK.

Its not OK….

The older me is learning to say NO. I am learning to have boundaries I should have had years ago. I am also learning that as I have been setting boundaries there are people that don’t like me. I am facing the exact situation that I was trying to avoid as a young person. I can no longer please and impress people. I believe that if any person genuinely wants you in their life they will not push you away. If they truly like you then they won’t treat you poorly. I am learning to be OK with people not liking me.

When others don’t like me I remind myself of all the amazing people in my world that do like me and even love me. Having had healthy people in my life over the recent years as given me the opportunity to safely discover who I really am. The people that love me allow me to use my words, to speak my thoughts and share my opinions. They don’t get angry with me for opening up. They want to know how I am and what I think. They don’t treat me terribly. It’s a wonderful feeling to have safe people in my life. I hold onto the people in my life that have shown me they are there for the long haul. I thank them for allowing me to grow into who I am today 🙂

Posted in Acceptance, courage, Emotional/psychological abuse, Healing Process, Inspiration, relationships, Strength and resilience

standing strong

To finally have the courage to break free from an emotionally abusive relationship is by far one of the most difficult steps one will ever take. It doesn’t stop there though. It requires a lot of work on your part to de-tangle all the tightly knit lies and twisted thinking that the other person carefully planted into your thoughts. Remembering that the longer you were in the relationship the more there is to de-tangle.

It is a lot to deal with and work through when on one hand you marry a person thinking they truly love you to then go through year after year of mixed messages from them that make you feel broken. They break you one bit at a time. YOU are put into situations that hurt. A person that is feeling hurt will at some point unravel and start falling apart.

As emotional abuse is so silent and undetected others watching on at times only see your reactions of hurt and may start to think that you are your own enemy. That perhaps you are reacting with hurt due to your own brokenness. The person doing the real damage behind the scenes likes to make it look like it was you all along. They not only convince you for years that your natural responses to pain are your own doing or your own unhealed parts not their actions. They also like to convince other people that you are broken, that they are not the cause of your reactions. Its so deceptive and silent.

Imagine for a moment that someone came along and hit you! Maybe they walked up to you and punched you in the face, your natural reaction to that pain would be justified. Others looking on would not question your hurt, they would say it was justified, they saw you get punched. Its out in the open, its obvious as day light. Emotional abuse is hidden in the dark, its only obvious to the person experiencing it. So you are then faced with other challenges after leaving the relationship.

There maybe people in your life that have been swept up in the idea that you are the problem. That you were not abused. That maybe you are the abuser!

This is where standing strong comes into the scene.

THE people in your life that don’t give you the opportunity to be understood will always misunderstand you.

They have a perception about you that has been weaved into their minds by a person and should they refuse you the opportunity to be understood for what you have experienced and gone through then that relationship will not move forward.

Yes that is another side effect of leaving an abusive relationship that you cannot control. It requires strength and daily reminders to yourself of what you have lived through and how your life is so much better now.

I personally have worked through so much in the past 4 plus years and am so grateful to have another chance at life to live peacefully. I write about my experiences to allow others who may be going through that type of abuse to give them strength and hope.

Its an avenue for me to communicate and share that what could help someone else.

Always stand strong in who you are and never let anyone destroy you. Hold onto the people in your life that love you no matter what, the ones that support you through thick and thin. I am so grateful for my fiancé and my family who love me unconditionally and understand my journey. I never have to justify myself to them and they see me as I am.

STAND STRONG ALWAYS!!!!!

Posted in Acceptance, Inspiration, Strength and resilience

omg i’m nearly 50

This year 2020 has been one I will not forget in a hurry, not only have we dealt with fires here in Australia the world has changed. The world has been fighting COVID-19. Sadly so many innocent victims have been taken out by this relentless virus. They didn’t make it. Families are grieving. Communities are shut down, businesses are suffering. Loss of jobs, income and plenty of worry to go around.

This year marks my 50th birthday and it will be celebrated in a few weeks. Five decades. I raised five children, married for 27 years and then divorced.

Each decade is a story book of its own.

As I contemplate on my life on all the past experiences I know it has shaped me into who I am today. I can honestly say I am happier with who I am now then I have ever been.

Main areas of personal growth and realisations are;

Letting people do what they want to do, I cant control them or change them.

Standing up for myself, I don’t deserve to be disrespected by anyone, I don’t deserve to be lied too, I don’t deserve to be abused, I don’t deserve to be mistreated, I don’t deserve to be stepped on, ridiculed, mocked OR shamed.

I wont tolerate sarcasm and put downs.

It’s important for me to be happy.

Willing to let go of anything OR anyone that is toxic.

Those that want me in their life will make an effort.

Those that don’t, that’s fine I wont chase.

Speak up sooner rather then later.

My opinions, thoughts and feelings are just as important as anyone else’s.

Not everyone likes me and that’s OK as there are people I don’t like.

ACTIONS speak louder then words, you can say whatever you like but if your actions don’t match then it wont mean a thing.

I don’t need to prove myself, I am who I am and as long as I am happy with me then that is all that really matters.

Real and healthy love does exist, I found it.

All those years I was led to believe I was the problem to discover that I was living with abuse.

It matters who you attach yourself too.

It will make you OR break you.

If you are with someone who doesn’t value your values it will never truly work.

The core of a person never changes.

No amount of denial will stop those feelings telling you something is wrong.

You can try and cover it up it will still be there.

The day will come that you will need to address the true issue.

Everyone ages.

When your young you think you know it all until you get to this age and discover you knew nothing.

It takes decades to live and learn. No doubt there is more to discover beyond 50. I am happy to have reached this far. Yes there are some regrets, who doesn’t have those, I am genuinely happy and excited for the next 50 years.

50 here I come!

Life interrupted

The world has been interrupted by COVID-19.

The world has stopped in its tracks leaving people everywhere speechless grasping to comprehend how to navigate safely through this unexpected moment in time. Besides all the standard safety such as washing hands, social distancing and staying home many of us are trying to figure out how to get through this mentally intact.

We all had plans for 2020!

This year personally we had some exciting plans such as celebrating mine and my partners 50th Birthdays combining them together and asking family and friends to come dressed up in 1970’s or 80’s costumes. We had organised a Professional DJ to come and play a mixture of music hits from the 70’s and 80’s to inspire dance moves on the disco floor. We had been planning the celebration for at least one year, often in discussions and planning we would break out with excitement at the thought of imagining how we were all going to be taken back in time to reminisce about the GOOD OLD DAYS.  The party wasn’t going to stop there it was to continue on to the 80’s Club in the city for more celebrations, why not? You only turn 50 once.

Party Celebrations to be postponed.

This Easter we had booked a 3-night stay at Jindabyne to get away and enjoy some down time combined with an Arts Festival by the Lake which happens every year for the locals and visitors.

Mini break to Jindabyne cancelled.

My youngest had his 13th Birthday last Saturday! He was going to have his friends join him in bowling on the Friday night prior to his birthday.

Bowling party cancelled.

The morning of his birthday I felt emotional at the thought that my family could not Celebrate a milestone 13th with us. I did all I could to try and make it memorable, pancakes for breakfast/pressies, Indian take out for dinner and a face group video chat with family who couldn’t join due to restrictions. Despite the limitation we all sung Happy Birthday to You with a phone in hand and several faces of family trying to make out the birthday boy who was about to blow out the candles on his cake. We all sung with difficulty as its very challenging singing together in tune via phone.   

The week of our 50th Birthday Celebrations also included a trip to Brisbane for training paid by the company I work for which would have given me the opportunity to see my eldest son who I haven’t seen for nearly 3 years. I had been looking forward to this for some time, finally I was going to have my mum heart topped up with a visit.

Brisbane training cancelled ~ not going to see my eldest son after all  😥

Since June 2019 my partner and I have been going through the rigorous process of bank loans and meetings with a building company to build a house! We got to pick out internal and external options and then COVID-19 happened.

LIFE HAS BEEN INTERUPTED!

People have lost their jobs unexpectedly this year 2020. Despite the governments assistance it will take time for families and individuals lives to get back on track.

Loss of life, jobs, instability, fear, worry, isolation is the new normal for some time. No one knows how long this will go on.

Our routines have been interrupted, relationships, plans and events. School and work routines have changed. Many are schooling at home online, many of us are working from home where possible and while I am thankful, I still have a job, the hours have been reduced to accommodate the losses businesses are facing all over the world.

The interruptions are many and the effects are HUGE!

In the first two weeks this all took place I found myself to be all over the place emotionally. Questions circulated around in my head as I wondered how I was going to do my job effectively which is all about assisting people with disabilities, injuries or illnesses into employment.  I was trying to manage my son’s feelings of frustration as to how the online schooling was going to work as it had not yet been set up completely, it is still in the process of organisation as I type.

Having got through the first two weeks of pressure and utter frustration I now find myself thinking about how to make the life we have enjoyable. There is nothing we can do about what has happened. We only have in our hands the ability to make each day the BEST DAY!

I have accepted that all the fun events will not happen in the next few months. There is no point to fixate on what I can’t control.

INTERUPTIONS can create new possibilities towards positive change.

We can create the BEST DAY within the current restrictions and interruptions.

We don’t need to put our humour on hold, kindness, our happiness or our relationships. We can continue to dream and plan. This will not last forever despite how it feels right now.

Yes, our lives have been interrupted temporarily.

Don’t be overcome by the interruptions, overcome the interruptions with new possibilities to create motivation for each day.

Use this time productively!

Most importantly stay safe & healthy.

Give yourself a break

Most of what we deal with daily are people’s choices and our own decisions.

The most important lesson I have learnt at nearly 50 years of age is that we can’t change people’s minds, we can’t fix them, and we can’t convince them. When we find ourselves in that type of situation experience has proven me that it only takes up emotional energy and valuable time on issues that we can’t control.

Give yourself a break.

Allow people to make their choices good OR bad.

It’s their choice! You must at some point let go and let them choose.

What good is it to fight against another person’s choices? We wont always agree with those choices as they won’t agree with ours.

All the advice in the world and we will still make our own decision.

I may not have mastered the art of letting go however I have learnt it is better for your own health mentally and emotionally to release people to do what they want to do as opposed to spending too much time trying to convince them otherwise.

Decisions made will have an impact on you good OR bad in much the same way as your decisions will have an impact on the people in your life.

When you try too hard to change someone’s mind you run the risk of crumbling under the pressure, like a dam wall about to explode under the heavy weight of water. The water is headed in a certain direction having set its course and there is no stopping that. When a person makes up their mind your opinions, words, ideas or thoughts will not change that.  

Decisions made result in numerous circumstances. Some can feel like an earthquake and rock our world while others may only be felt as a tiny tremor almost unnoticeable. All depending where you are in the scheme of the situation.

When I was a very young human there were many people asking me why I choose the man, I decided to marry. They had lots of opinions, worries and questions. A part of me wanted to listen and another part was stubborn and decided to rebel against their thoughts. I suppose in some way I took the questioning personally and didn’t think to consider that perhaps they were right? Perhaps this person wasn’t suited to me and maybe I did deserve better.

I had made up my mind and no one was going to change it.

My decision making as a young person wasn’t the best as it was always guided by my lack of self-worth. I made decisions based on how little I valued myself, so it only made sense to marry someone who treated me the way I treated myself. I kept pursuing a relationship with someone who was distant emotionally and unavailable. It was almost like a challenge. The more he pulled away the more I kept trying. I didn’t know when to stop. I was fighting for his attention and love. Unfortunately, my decision to marry him meant that I was fighting for his attention and love for 27 years. That is a long time to force someone to love you.

My own decision impacted others around me and mostly myself.

Leaving the marriage 27 years later has equally impacted on others around me.

There is nothing I can do on the impact it has on people in my world as I had to leave to save myself.

No longer can I afford to worry about other people’s reactions to my decision to leave the marriage. I made that choice for myself. We can’t live life trying to please others with our decisions, they will either stick around OR pull away.

To live a peaceful existence means letting go and allowing others to make their choices and letting go of their reactions to our decisions.

We all have the same goal in mind to live a happy and healthy life.

Give yourself a break!

Stop striving for something you can’t change.

Use all that energy into making life a HAPPY and HEALTHY one!