The side effects of emotional abuse.

The effects of emotional abuse spread far and wide. Having lived in that situation has given me deeper insight to the long lasting effects of being treated so poorly. If it isn’t enough to rebuild your own sense of worth you might find that you are devalued in the eyes of others who don’t understand. Emotional abuse is so subtle at times, its a secret weapon used by another to control and manipulate a person or situation. The person being abused is subjected to all types of behaviours. Those behaviours are harmful, hurtful and demoralising. They make you feel alone, useless and stuck!

It won’t matter how much effort you put into the relationship as it will never make a difference. It isn’t about you. I found myself always trying hard to make it work. I wanted to be a good wife. I wanted to have a happy life. I wanted my children to excel and be loved.

So much takes place in the unconscious of those that are around an abusive relationship. The children only see what is visible to them. They witness a mother who is depressed, anxious and at times has outbursts as she is pushed to breaking point. The father shows the children how to treat their mother. The displays of disrespect, unwillingness to take accountability, sly remarks, rejection, manipulation, control, lack of support, humiliation and blame.

Year after year of this treatment has an impact not only on the mother but also the children. The children become adults and take that lived experience with them. It either draws you closer to them or it becomes a constant roadblock. As a mother having left the abusive relationship you might find yourself feeling as though you will never be seen for who you are now! That you are deserving of respect and value. That at the time when you were barely getting through each day at your lowest, unsupported, ridiculed and mocked you were seen to be broken. Rightly so, how could you be confident and happy.

The regular comments to the children, “your mum needs healing from her childhood”. Your mum is acting like that because she is broken. Your mum isn’t spiritual enough. She isn’t spending enough time with God and his word. She is becoming worldly and if she ever leaves me she will become an alcoholic and stop going to church.

Those words, those spoken words to the children how powerful they were for them to hear. It continues to have an impact on me as a person and my relationship with some of them. I often think about how unfair that is and why did that have to happen to me. I have missed out on so much in so many areas of my life.

Eight years on from that life, I have been living with a new husband who treats me way beyond what I have ever experienced. He is the most supportive person I have ever come across. He loves me more then I have ever been loved. He has made up for all of the heartache and pain. He has provided me with a safe place to be myself and explore what it is to have a healthy relationship. He has been by my side for nearly six years as I have been rebuilding myself and allowing myself to be ME.

There are areas of my life that I may never get back however I have to accept that as part of my journey. I have to remind myself of how far I have come and all of the good that I have in my life now. I have taught myself to stop trying to change what I can’t change. I remind myself that I can only do so much and what is outside of my control is outside of my control.