This December 31st 2020 for our family was not a great day to bring in the New Year. I didn’t have even the slightest urge to say Happy New Year to a single soul. My Mum was diagnosed with non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. No words can describe how myself, three sisters and Dad including Mum could comprehend what was going on. It all happened so quickly, just like that!!!
This past two weeks have been a roller coaster ride to say the least of raw emotions, fears and tears. As a family we decided it was time to stand strong and to fight with her. She should not fight this fight by herself.
She started an intense round of Chemo this week which presents with it another journey. My youngest sister decided she would jump in with mum and shave her hair for the “Worlds Greatest Shave”. This will take place around the 23rd January.
I have put a link below for my blog readers who may have some spare change to support this crucial cause. It provides families with loved ones that are fighting blood cancer various and relevant supports they need to get through to the other side of what is A FIGHT!
Any amount is appreciated, it will all go to the organisation.
All the details you will see on the link below:
Thankyou for your support.
To finally have the courage to break free from an emotionally abusive relationship is by far one of the most difficult steps one will ever take. It doesn’t stop there though. It requires a lot of work on your part to de-tangle all the tightly knit lies and twisted thinking that the other person carefully planted into your thoughts. Remembering that the longer you were in the relationship the more there is to de-tangle.
It is a lot to deal with and work through when on one hand you marry a person thinking they truly love you to then go through year after year of mixed messages from them that make you feel broken. They break you one bit at a time. YOU are put into situations that hurt. A person that is feeling hurt will at some point unravel and start falling apart.
As emotional abuse is so silent and undetected others watching on at times only see your reactions of hurt and may start to think that you are your own enemy. That perhaps you are reacting with hurt due to your own brokenness. The person doing the real damage behind the scenes likes to make it look like it was you all along. They not only convince you for years that your natural responses to pain are your own doing or your own unhealed parts not their actions. They also like to convince other people that you are broken, that they are not the cause of your reactions. Its so deceptive and silent.
Imagine for a moment that someone came along and hit you! Maybe they walked up to you and punched you in the face, your natural reaction to that pain would be justified. Others looking on would not question your hurt, they would say it was justified, they saw you get punched. Its out in the open, its obvious as day light. Emotional abuse is hidden in the dark, its only obvious to the person experiencing it. So you are then faced with other challenges after leaving the relationship.
There maybe people in your life that have been swept up in the idea that you are the problem. That you were not abused. That maybe you are the abuser!
This is where standing strong comes into the scene.
THE people in your life that don’t give you the opportunity to be understood will always misunderstand you.
They have a perception about you that has been weaved into their minds by a person and should they refuse you the opportunity to be understood for what you have experienced and gone through then that relationship will not move forward.
Yes that is another side effect of leaving an abusive relationship that you cannot control. It requires strength and daily reminders to yourself of what you have lived through and how your life is so much better now.
I personally have worked through so much in the past 4 plus years and am so grateful to have another chance at life to live peacefully. I write about my experiences to allow others who may be going through that type of abuse to give them strength and hope.
Its an avenue for me to communicate and share that what could help someone else.
Always stand strong in who you are and never let anyone destroy you. Hold onto the people in your life that love you no matter what, the ones that support you through thick and thin. I am so grateful for my fiancé and my family who love me unconditionally and understand my journey. I never have to justify myself to them and they see me as I am.
STAND STRONG ALWAYS!!!!!
Simply click on the blue highlighted title above to visit the store in Australia.
Endings always provide new beginnings.
An ending is final and requires travel through a time of grief, loss, change, and growth.
We often assume life wont change and at times we may get comfortable living in a painful situation.
I have travelled a path of grief, healing and change for just over 4 years now!
Having met someone 3 years ago this December, has provided me safety, assurance, communication, love, gentleness and fantastic support to continue growing and moving forward. We are great for each other! In sync, it flows, its peaceful, healthy, loving, kind, respectful, warm, open, honest, safe, fun, humorous and continues to move in an exciting direction!
As scary as it was in the beginning when discussions came about around building a house together we are nearly on the verge of moving in to a brand new home!
A brand new home and a brand new life together.
When I think about a brand new home and all the work that has taken place it resembles a new relationship.
The ground work starts and a new foundation gets dug out for the beginnings of a home. The empty patch of dirt gets transformed. Step by step the process continues with the foundation, reinforcement, concrete, frames, roof, walls, bricks completed by all the paint and internal work to create a beautiful home.
As our relationship began it went along slowly and grew over time. It allowed me to go through a process of healing as I was shown what it was to be treated with genuine respect, love, care and support. Absolutely beautiful process which I will never take for granted. It is something I only ever dreamed about when I was stuck in an unhealthy marriage. Part of me knew that there must be something better out there then being treated so badly never truly grasping how wonderful it is and how possible.
I certainly never thought I would be building a house with someone!
Yet here we are about to embark on a new chapter with only a maximum of two months to go to be handed the keys to our new home. Its elegant and simply beautiful.
WE worked together in the process from every stage and never once had a fight OR even the slightest disagreement. To work together with someone in such a beautiful way is my miracle. I never could have dreamed it possible that such an amazing relationship with someone who truly loves me, respects me at all times and by that I mean ALL times. He never puts me down, never says anything negative about me, he checks up on me all the time to make sure I am ok. He cares about every aspect of my life. His thoughtful and kind.
We declare our love for each other several times a day and absolutely never tire of saying it or hearing it. Its natural and amazing!!!!
When we started on the project of building a house we went through every aspect doing our very best to make sure we would get something of quality. As people embark on new relationships it is even more important to make it a priority to ensure that every part of your communication and relating is one of quality. Filled with respect, honesty, trust, love and safety. Quality shows, it lasts longer and people around you can admire what they see.
My family have had the opportunity of seeing me truly loved, safe and happy for the first time. Their opinions are important to me. I made sure that as I progressed with the relationship that all of my family liked him and they do! I never took this as something to be considered when I went down a path of marriage as a young person. Several people questioned me about my decision however my stubbornness wouldn’t allow me to listen.
Life is filled with learning, growing and evolving.
New beginnings are beautiful.
I am so grateful for my life now as it has allowed me to truly live and be myself.
Cheers to new beginnings may you experience beautiful moments in your life!
“Don’t look back”!!! is often what people will say to you when you make a massive life change and in my case I walked away from a 27 year marriage to start all over again. I do agree with the statement of not looking back, especially if it prevents you from moving forward. For myself I have been thinking lately about some of the obvious differences that are in my life now to what they were in the past. To be more specific I wanted to look backwards a little to see how far I have come in the present from just over 4 years ago.
To even consider that it has been 4 years since I drove out of the gates with my then 9 year old son is incredible. The car was full of both our clothes and not much else. With little cash in my purse I took the opportunity at the request of my ex husband to move out. It was time. All I can say is that I tried for 27 years to convince myself the marriage relationship would get better and it never really did. It was unhealthy from top to bottom. No amount of prayers or church attendance changed anything. No amount of apologising, day dreaming or wishing helped our relationship. Our relationship was tense at the best of times and always on the brink of problems.
What did my relationship look like with my ex husband:
I met him in Church as a young 17 year old girl who had no value in herself. I hated myself. I believed that I was ugly and unloved. I was always searching for love and desperate for it. As much as I was searching for love I didn’t really know what it looked like. Sadly for me I accepted less then I deserved when I said “I DO” that day in front of my family and friends.
As crazy as it sounds I had no idea what I was committing myself to for 27 years. I thought it was love. I thought it was right. I thought it was normal for two people to be fighting and having problems as we did. The arguments and problems started when we were only going out a few weeks in. Getting married didn’t change that, the arguments continued. It was messy and it was complicated.
What were we arguing about?
The bottom line was I hated myself and wanted to be loved. I thought he loved me. I thought he had all the answers to life that he was wise. I listened intently to his words as he spoke with conviction about God, The Bible, Forgiveness, Healing and Loving Yourself. Sometimes the conviction he had took him too far. Like the day we were driving from Holbrook back to Canberra which was about a 3 hour drive. He was convinced that I needed to say out loud that I was beautiful. I couldn’t get those words out of my mouth, I told him I cant say that as I don’t believe it. He then put his left hand on my knee and started to squeeze it really hard demanding I say that I was beautiful otherwise he would keep squeezing me. At first I was shocked and immediately thought why is he hurting me? He sounded so convincing that I had to do what he said and start saying out loud that I was beautiful. This went on for what felt like forever until finally he was satisfied that I had done what he had asked.
We did a lot together I went with him to lots of places and often sat for hours in peoples houses while he talked with them about his convictions. Other occasions I sat in the car for hours while he was visiting either for business reasons or personal. He lived life in his own world and I was in the background. His ideas and decisions were his. My attempts at providing input were not really considered to be valuable. My fears, doubts or concerns about our finances was unimportant. As long as God was happy with him tithing we were going to be just fine as he was convinced that giving 10% to God would mean we would never be without. It didn’t quite go that way. There was no planning or budgeting only spending. He would say to me I can earn money as fast as I can spend it so stop worrying. I worried. I lived under so much stress as debts gathered momentum, debt collectors started calling and knocking on the door. I was left to deal with that all by myself as a young mum with no help from him. It was awful.
I started to lose trust in his decisions. I felt unheard and unimportant. Money was a major area but then there was the communication. My attempts at trying to communicate with him about my feelings and concerns created tension. It created silence. It always became about me. All our difficulties were identified as being my issues. He didn’t take responsibility for his actions. The only action he took was to manipulate OR emotionally withdraw to get me to do what he wanted. This then set the scene of years of emotional abuse.
Where am I now 4 years on from leaving him:
As I got to Canberra with my then 9 year old son it was about rebuilding a new life. I had no choice but to stay here so I decided to make it work. I found myself a small two bedroom unit while on unemployment benefits. Eventually got myself an entry level job and was promoted into a new role within that company. My bank account was in my control and I had the pleasure of paying all my bills on time. Problems and troubles started to feel like a thing of the past. I was now able to live peacefully in my small unit. My safe haven.
Just over 2 and half years ago I met a lovely new man. He does what he says he will do. His genuine and very loving. His good with money and makes the right choices. He asks for my input and takes it seriously. He never wants me to feel unheard. He doesn’t cause trouble and he has respect for my family and friends. He loves to communicate. He has helped me to speak up and not be afraid. He never puts me down in front of others or in private. He supports me always. He does life with me. We walk side by side. There is never any judgement or criticism. He never ignores me. He cares about my children.
The best part about our relationship is we don’t argue.
There is nothing to argue about.
We may have had a few misunderstandings however they were resolved with no effort at all it was natural and it was beautiful. With him life is peaceful, safe and loving. We are building a life together.
The first part of my life was turmoil and now the second part is beautiful.
I cant change my past but I am certainly embracing my future. Its good to look back when you want to get a clear picture of how much you have moved forward. Let the past show you how much you can appreciate your life now.