Live NOW don’t keep waiting

There may be areas in your life which are not exactly where you would like them to be, live NOW

It could be that someone in your life has put you on hold, live NOW

Your past doesn’t need to cripple you, live NOW

Perhaps you feel overlooked at work, live NOW

Your marriage failed, live NOW

Sometimes it isn’t fair, live NOW

You made a mistake, live NOW

You’ve gained weight, live NOW

You simply woke up in a bad mood, live NOW

When the answer doesn’t come, live NOW

Your hard work hasn’t paid off yet, live NOW

Your not where you want to be, live NOW

LIVE NOW don’t put your life on hold for anything or anyone. Each moment is precious and you will never get it back. There is no pause in time. While you may tick something off the list a new item will be added. Live NOW , make the moments count and stop for a minute to realise what you do have in your life. Its not always about the future, when you get to the future there will be new challenges to deal with.

So why stop living?

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ReLax, sit back and chiLL.

Some of us are born fighters! We hold tight for DEAR LIFE when there is a chance of losing something or someone. Sometimes we hold on as though we are clinging to our own lives unable to let go for fear of dying. It can be impossible to fathom letting a situation escape from our hands and minds to just work itself out in due course. To allow this process requires letting go and believing its all going to work out the way that it should.

The reality is that we will face situations we have no control over no matter what we try and DO or SAY or even CONTROL.

We hold on so terribly tight that we lose sleep only to drain our energy, keeping us from what we should be focusing on. No one likes to experience loss and the pain that follows.

ITS BLOODY SCARY SOMETIMES :O

The fact is that we will all lose something at some point. Loss may happen several times in our lives.

I for one can understand the fear of loss. It can be very scary and painful all at the same time. When you have lost the first time you try your best to never lose again. When we are ruled by fear of loss there are various ways in which we may behave. Some people become controlling. The fear drives them to keep tabs on every aspect of a situation with an effort to ensure any outcome goes in their favour. For a situation to go differently can make controlling people very uncomfortable. To be so invested and desperate by controlling will not work in your favour, ever!

Opposite of that approach is settling in life. We decide to settle to keep ourselves comfortable. We don’t grow we stay put. We tip toe through life taking no chances in moving forward. We convince ourselves that moving forward presents too many risks. Our previous failures are carved into our memory making it difficult at times to ignore or move past.

The good part about growing up and getting older is that you have learnt what did not work in the past and there is a determination to approach situations very differently. Growing up is a process. There isn’t any short cuts to figuring things out. Sometimes we learn our best lessons through our mistakes.

Its good to think back to previous situations and consider if holding extremely tight to a person or a situation changed anything?

Did any of that stress or worry or control benefit anyone?

I used to be such a worrier. I worried about everything you can imagine. I worried well before any situation arrived and had gone through every possible scenario in my head as to what could possibly happen next. All of my worry was wasted. It didn’t help me one bit. It didn’t fix anything or change anything. I can still move into a place of worry however it doesn’t last long and is no where near as intense as it used to be.

I’ve learnt to let go and let things be….. and I’m talking about all the areas of life I have no control over. I’m settled within myself that it doesn’t matter what people do or don’t do, this no longer affects me in the same way. It doesn’t ruin my sleep or wreck my entire week. I have learnt that people will do what they want to do. I have no control over their decisions or their behaviour. I’ve learnt that the people who really value me will naturally stick by me and I have no need to be fearful or overly worried about others. I don’t put overwhelming expectations on anyone anymore.

People come and people go, people change and we change. Situations change and life changes.

Regardless of what happens around me it doesn’t need to rule my moods or my own value. I am who I am and I know my value. I am happy with who I am and I have no need to impress anyone or to try and influence a persons decision should it involve me.

To get to this place is freeing and liberating. It takes the stress off you and off others.

With all this in mind for the New Year remember you cannot control other people or the circumstances that can come our way of which we have no control over.

Continue being the best version of yourself, sit back, relax and chill.

When I think about Christmas.

This year travelled along very quickly and we sit on the verge of another brand spanking NEW YEAR !!!

Before I get ahead of myself, Christmas is waiting around the corner to be celebrated first. I must admit my first Christmas back in 2016 was the most difficult emotionally after our family broke up and with another Christmas in between being 2017, I have sprung back to enjoying Christmas again.

Christmas 2018.

Two Christmas’s ago I felt very sad, missed my adult children and was grieving over a broken family. It was the toughest Christmas I’ve ever experienced. As I’ve mentioned in an earlier blog it is all the FIRST’S that are the hardest when life has bought about a huge change. I’ve always known that change is not my favourite experience. It throws me off somewhat and depending upon the extent of the change determines how much it affects me.

As any mum I love all of my children and it is in this area I have been forced to let go and accept that Christmas will always be different now. Not all my adult children live close by, two of them are a 16 hour drive away. I miss them all the time. Of course my adult children were always going to grow up and leave home eventually and the eldest was already living away from home when our family broke up however it usually happens slowly. This allows time for the mum to accept it and grieve. When our family broke up it was overnight, no warning with no time to get ready emotionally.

It was on that night and in that moment I had to make a choice. The choice I took led me out the doors of the house we had just moved into and led me out of a very unhealthy 27 year marriage. I had to leave my adult children behind to save myself. I took my youngest with me and knew that this was going to be very hard for everyone.

As we are all on the verge of Christmas 2018 I am thankful that I made that choice. I can look back to where I was and appreciate living a healthy life. I love my new life. I no longer need to live on egg shells or cope with anxiety most days. I am experiencing a whole new world of healthy.

It is important to recognise what healthy looks like. We are happy to recognise the need to be healthy physically however often overlook what healthy is in our relationships. Unhealthy relationships impact psychologically, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I’m not talking about the little arguments couples have, I’m talking about mistreatment. Mistreatment that continues year after year.

It’s the mistrust, hurtful behaviour, manipulation, neglect, selfishness, sarcasm, emotional abuse and for some physical abuse. We often hear about this happening not realising how very real it is and how much it hurts people. No person on the planet deserves this form of treatment. If someone truly loves you they will not treat you that way, that is not love. A person who carries out this type of behaviour has deep issues and you will never be able to fix them.

SHOULD by some miracle that person sort themselves out and get better it will be too late as the damage is done and you will never trust them again. They have wounded you.

This Christmas when we celebrate lets not ignore the people around us as they could be dealing with something very painful. Christmas has a way of reminding us about the people we truly care about. Some of those people may live far away or may have even moved on into eternity.

If you know deep down that your relationship is very unhealthy and you are hurting more than anyone knows, remember that regardless of how scary it might be to reach out to others you cant do this alone. Its not your fault and you don’t deserve to be treated badly. If someone close to you was being treated very badly in a relationship would you accept that? If not then why would you allow someone to treat YOU badly? (food for thought)

WISHING YOU ALL A SAFE AND LOVELY CHRISTMAS 🙂


The Bitter & Sweet taste of December

Growing Pains

The most sentimental month of the year is upon us…. December….

December sneaks up quickly every single year. Most people tend to shake their heads in disbelief that the year is nearly over. As you consider the other eleven months of the year it is December that succeeds at building anticipation into the lives of people. The anticipation begins in the shopping malls. Christmas decorations create an atmosphere of joyful celebration. Individuals visiting shopping malls may be battling all sorts of issues in their lives or their families yet the Christmas spirit provides a tiny distraction from the reality facing them.

Boxes marked ‘Christmas deco’s’ are pulled out of storage cupboards. These boxes are filled with Christmas treasures collected over the year’s. Some of the decorations may hold special meaning especially the ones handed down by someone in the family or the ones handmade at school by young children…

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It wont always make sense.

Countless times I have found myself questioning a person’s actions or various life situations when it has made NO SENSE to me.

As humans in some way or another we like to make sense of it all.

Do we ever get there?

When we struggle to understand the decisions, we or others make its normal to consider why it makes NO SENSE especially when the outcome is so different to what was expected.

We often hear people say, “why would they do that?” … “what were they thinking?” …. “what was I thinking when I took that path in life?”

Do any one of us really know what we are doing?

Perhaps at times we say YES to something we should have said NO too or vice versa.

In a short fleeting moment, we make decisions.

We jump at the chance!

The chance to be happy, in love, living a career filled life, fulfilling goals, get married, have children, buy that car, go on a date, jump on a plane and travel, sign up for study at a university, move countries, take up a business, visit that person, attend a concert or settle down for a peaceful existence.

These options and many more are a part of life and make sense.

The NO SENSE happens when things don’t work out the way we thought they would.
Sometimes we work hard to try and make IT work and yet despite all the effort IT fails.

When I think about the areas in my life that have changed direction or have not turned out the way I thought they would I recognise plenty of areas which make NO SENSE.
At the same time as I think about these areas, I realise that even though they don’t make sense as a person I have grown more than I can imagine.

This growth has helped me to stand on my own two feet.

No longer do I put all my reliance onto one person. I don’t need too. As I’ve learnt that people change, and people make decisions which are not always going to have your best interest in mind. These people might be very significant in your life at the time, but it doesn’t guarantee anything. There can be so many factors involved when life doesn’t turn out the way you expected it to.

Its not all simple and straight forward.

When we are dealing with people we are dealing with their past experiences, personalities, culture, moods, values and their priorities. All these factors carry influence.

People are very complex.

When we look at a person, we don’t see what has made that person the person they are today. The truth of the matter is that sometimes people are going to make a choice which doesn’t make sense. It may make no sense to you or even to themselves.

When I think back to all the NO SENSE areas of my life, I can see certain connections.
For example; when I was in the very unhealthy marriage, I decided to start studying psychology. I was nearly half way through the studies when life changed completely. This meant that the study has not moved forward very far from where I left due to all the changes that came about. Such as needing to find employment to support myself financially. Despite the frustration of the study not moving forward the way I would have liked, my job has me sitting with people all day long who are going through very difficult times in their life. Some of these people are single mothers who have come out of very difficult relationships. All the NO SENSE areas of my life are very useful in these situations as I can connect with these mothers and support them in a way which I would not have been able to had I not gone through a similar experience. Out of all the pain and failure I have experienced I am empathetic and understanding with the people I see each day at work. These people appreciate being listened too and I can build a connection in a genuine way. I often get told that they love talking to me and that they feel comfortable.

While in this role I am not employed to be a counsellor I have been presented with opportunities to make a positive difference in people’s lives. At the same time, it continues to fuel my passion of completing my studies and to be employed in an area which I can make even more of a difference.

The reality is not everything is going to make sense in life. We can’t stop making decisions out of fear that its not going to work out. Some of the best thought out business plans fail. You may think you have it all covered and yet it doesn’t go to plan.

All the NO SENSE experiences we have are a part of the journey.

Its not always going to make sense.

Our brains are not going to understand everything all the time.

And that’s OK.

It doesn’t mean things wont work out in the long run. How long that takes we never know, we just got to keep on moving, keep on making decisions and taking steps. Should a significant person in your life make a decision which alters your world, don’t fret your life will still move forward with or without them.

All the failures and successes we have in life make us who we are so don’t get caught up on everything that doesn’t seem to be working well right now. It is a bit like a dot to dot puzzle. Once the dots are matched up the overall picture makes more sense.

B R A V E your way through it.

Its been forever since I last blogged. When I originally started blogging I was on a mission to make sure I got a blog in each week, which then turned into monthly and now it seems that I have missed a month or two ….

My kids, boyfriend, family, work and commitments have filled in every spare moment I seem to have these days so blogging has slipped to the bottom of the list.

The calendar on my kitchen wall gets marked off each day and it literally seems as though I am turning over each new month very quickly. At work I feel as though I am saying Oh its Wednesday today then suddenly BAMM its Friday!!! No complaint there as I love FRIDAYS!!!!

The month of September has included 4 family birthdays and 2 of them were my own children. In the month of September I had one of those OFF weeks!!!

AND for some unknown reason the OFF week consisted of not one but several events which happened at the same time. As the old saying goes “it doesn’t rain it pours”…

We may find ourselves dealing with the pressure of   w o r k , our  e m o t i o n s , other  p e o p l e and it ALL meshes together creating a ball we just wish we could pick up and throw out the window as far away as possible. 

I cant pick and choose what my day, week or month will look like.

Unlike online shopping in which we can pick and choose with the option of returning the goods when they don’t meet the standard we thought we were going to get.

Last month I had ONE DAY which happened to have three situations happening at the same time. There were no options to return the goods. It was quite the emotional roller coaster demanding bravery. All I could think of was “more bravery”, really again, haven’t I had to be brave enough already.  Despite the sadness and nerves on that day I got through it all surprisingly well….. Between me and you I think I was toughing it out on the actual day, as the next day my emotions got the better of me. All I wanted to do was go hide in a big deep and dark hole.

AND YET….

Life demanded that I get up and go to work!!!

I truly believe that as we venture through life’s ups and downs we are strengthened and equipped with tools for the next journey that comes around.

There is no possible way I could have imagined what life had in store for me… OR for my children. When I think back to some of the crazy situations I have been through I know that despite those situations being painful and wrong they created within me endurance, persistence and strength to get through the last two years.

I’ve learnt to stand on my own two feet and not put all my dependence on another person. Its as though I am more balanced. I can be happy being single or happy being in a relationship. I’ve learnt to shake things off!!! The industry I work in puts me into situations in which I have to deal with people who can be very agitated, angry or sad. I’ve learnt to remain calm, listen well and provide assistance in a very highly stressed environment.

B R A V E …

To be brave means you may still shake with nerves. You may also secretly plan an exit rather than face a situation head on. You may lose sleep. You may doubt yourself. You may have negative thoughts. You may believe life will never work out. You may experience anxiety. You may feel far from being brave.

BRAVE doesn’t remove all the maybe’s we feel. BRAVE doesn’t take away our vulnerabilities. BRAVE tells you: Hey you have been through hard stuff before you can get through this too! BRAVE has a proven track record which withstands the tests of time.

As we get through each of life’s situations we realise that B R A V E was there all along and remains with us forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What does it mean to love yourself? ♡

Is it wrong to love yourself?

What does it even mean?

We know what it means to love others and yet somehow loving ourselves can be portrayed as sinful & selfish.

Is it sinful or selfish?

Perhaps its how you define the word “LOVE”.

How can it be acceptable to love others and be frowned upon to love yourself. It doesn’t make sense?

To love others is to be there for them no matter what. To take good care of them and to do your best to protect. It means you take extra care to be thoughtful and kind. All you want for the one you love is the very best. You have there back. When the one you love hurts, you hurt. When the one you love is in trouble you are there. When you love someone you care about how they are feeling. When they tell you that something you may have done or said hurt them the most natural response is to feel awful and apologise. You make it right for the one you love. No hesitation. Its top priority!

Which brings me back to the question, what does it mean to love yourself?

As a young person i didn’t love myself i infact went the complete opposite and hated myself. This meant that i had no value in myself. This led me into making some very poor decisions. It was only natural to gravitate to people that treated me the way i thought i should be treated.

27 years worth of heartache and pain.

I married the person that matched their actions with my belief that i was not worth being treated properly.

Mistreatment followed.

Not many understood my journey except to see that on the outside i didn’t look happy.

Despite our church attendance and my occassional questions to other church going wives i was always left with the idea that i had to change and be the wife my husband needed me to be. That all i needed to do was PRAY and God would change my husband.

I prayed,  i cried, i felt hurt and angry, i was lonely, confused,  anxious,  i prayed, i cried, i hurt so much. I tried and i tried. I read books, i went to womans conferences, i asked for prayer. I was desperate. I was depressed.  I lived with so much confusion.

NOTHING SEEMED TO WORK.

UNTIL. …

I REALISED. …

That this man was never going to change and i did not need to stay in this unhealthy relationship any longer.

Over the last 10 years of our marriage i started to realise i was valuable.

I didn’t deserve to be abused and mistreated!

Abuse does not need to be physical. Its the silent treatment,  mistreatment, neglect, manipulation,  the hahaha moments when they make a joke at your expense in front of others. Rather than supporting you they leave you to take care of yourself. You aren’t their priority you are their toy. They hurt you by hurting those you love. They dont care about your feelings as its all in your head. Your too sensitive. There is no remorse to the hurt they inflict emotionally. While you are hurting they are laughing. Its hilarious to see peoples reactions they say! I love pushing peoples buttons to let the real person out that people hide, they tell you, you know their true colours.

Is that love?

Is it wrong to love yourself enough to recognise that someones mistreatment of you is wrong?

Loving yourself is knowing who you are and not letting another human being inflict harm on you. Its harmful to be manipulated, its harmful to be controlled,  its harmful to be ignored by the one that says they love you.  Its harmful to be laughed at or laughed about in front of others.

The damage digs deep.

It closes your heart.

You lose your own voice as you settle believing your feelings and thoughts mean nothing.

For me loving myself meant that i removed myself from harm. I realised my value and worth as a human being. I cant even imagine the outcome had i stayed any longer.

LOVING YOURSELF IS NOT SELFISH OR SINFUL, it is necessary in order to keep the balance and to know when enough is enough!!!

 

 

 

 

I’ve reached 100 blog’s #Celebrating!!!

Thanks WordPress for keeping tabs on how many blog posts I have published!

Each and every blog has been written to inspire, encourage, comfort and shed some light on what it is to take a step UP and out of a very unhealthy relationship….

It all started with VALUING myself. This allowed me to put a stop to what was a constant roller coaster ride of uncertainty.

HEALTHY LOVE builds you UP and doesn’t tear you down.

HEALTHY LOVE builds trust and respect.

HEALTHY LOVE creates a secure and safe place to communicate.

HEALTHY LOVE allows you to be yourself at all times with no fear of judgement.

HEALTHY LOVE listens to you.

HEALTHY LOVE never gives up on you.

HEALTHY LOVE is EQUAL.

 

Self-doubt …… I don’t like you ……

Self doubt has a habit of performing routine checks unannounced. Self doubt likes to interrupt the process of moving forward. Self doubt sends niggling thoughts your way with no particular schedule. It just turns up!!!

It seems as though you get through some super hard stuff in life and just as you think  your on your way to an amazing future filled with sunshine and lollipops, self doubt starts to rain on your party. It can start with a single negative episode. Whether it be at work and you feel as though you are not performing  your best on a given day and the world suddenly IS flat. Self doubt attempts to hijack any confidence you had in yourself.

Perhaps the bills $$$ are pouring in like large rain drops and you have no way of earning any more than you already do…this is super frustrating especially when you are the only income earner in the household. As a single parent on one income all you need is for the X to not do their part OR worse, have left you with debt you have no way of repaying and suddenly life which appeared to be doing well OK financially is going into slow motion again.

It is not easy to push past self doubt when circumstances are lining up with those niggling negative thoughts!

In July this year I will have been travelling the journey of single parent for two years. I started with nothing financially and have been climbing slowly since. I have obstacles to get through which are not my doing and are a bit of a hindrance to my moving forward. In these moments when it is ever so tempting to throw in the towel and wonder what the point is, I cant help but wonder what options do I have?

HOW do you just throw in the towel when you have come so far?

As a single parent there are moments of feeling completely alone despite the people you have in your world. Its all up to you to keep motivated and push through the barriers and obstacles.

This can be exhausting.

While there are areas of my life that are moving forward at a steady pace I am still faced with self doubt when circumstances are not as favourable as one would like them to be.

Perhaps there are areas in your life right now which are causing self doubt.

At the very least after reading my blog you are now aware of at least one other person who is also fighting self doubt.

My guess is that the two of us are not alone.

I don’t like interruptions at the best of times and I certainly am not a fan of self doubt.

I prefer progress over pain and yet it seems there will always be pain in order to progress.

As I have been whispering to myself lately to just keep going, I whisper to you today to do the same.

Keep going, one step in front of the other my friend!

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are Enough!

No one person can keep you happy or satisfied, the moment you realise that you can be happy with OR without a special someone is the moment your free to L♡VE completely with no FEAR.

You need to be Happy with yourself first otherwise you will hold on too tightly to people. The people that stay in your life do it because they want to and nothing can change that as much as nothing can keep them if they dont want to stay.

~ anumariblog.com