Happy Valentine’s Day …
Today on this special day I thought I would make it official to the whole wide world that I have been blessed with the most gorgeous man inside and out. He is continually surprising me on every level.
A true man with the most genuine and caring heart.
I never thought it could be possible to find someone who suits me perfectly.
Never Give Up!!!
Never settle for less than you deserve. Be patient and hold onto your true value and the right person will come into your life at the right time.
Sending my love out to the world on this Valentines Day!!!
Dear Blog Readers and Writers,
Another weekend is upon us,
a time to sit back and reflect on this past week.
Where ever you are in this big beautiful world,
I just want to say “Thank you” for taking the time to read the blogs I write.
Life is a journey we all take with its twists and turns.
Writing about ‘real life’ not only gives me an avenue to express my ‘real feelings, challenges, thoughts & breakthroughs’,
it allows me to reach out to the person on the other side of the world to let them know
life will get better !!! 🙂
SO this past four days I have been fighting hard against a virus. I was determined to beat it and got myself to work. However, this morning the virus WON! I have now surrendered, left work early and dropped into my comfy bed. I have entertained myself with Netflix long enough today and decided that since I have been incredibly busy this past year with work and my blogging has taken a bit of a backseat that I would WRITE A BLOG!
I started blogging about two years ago during a christmas break. I had time to think and put down my thoughts. The blogs began with inspirational stories of how I struggled with low self esteem as a teenager. I poured out my heart hoping that by being real others would stumble across my story igniting them with hope that they too could be free from feeling ugly and unwanted. I wrote about how the feeling of being ugly and unwanted was how I felt about myself not necessarily what others thought of me.
As I continued writing blogs each month I touched on various topics which resinated with my own personal struggles. Little did I know that in July 2016 my blogs would take on a whole new journey as I was on a whole new journey.
LIFE CHANGED BIG TIME!
For 27 years I was fighting hard to have a healthy marriage/relationship with my now ex-husband. Most people get married believing it will be forever…. By nature, I can be quite stubborn and determined. I was determined to make the marriage work. In no way do I declare myself to be a perfect person I have my flaws like everyone else. What I didn’t understand all those 27 years was that while I was fighting to have a great marriage I was fighting a losing battle. It didn’t matter what I did the core of our relationship was unhealthy.
We were both two broken young adults who got together, had five amazing children and lived in a toxic relationship for most of the time. I say most of the time as there were days which seemed happy and hopeful. Those happy and hopeful days quickly turned into dark and lonely days. It wasn’t enough that I wanted a great healthy marriage I had no control over how my ex husband was going to respond. Unfortunately, his responses were for the most part unhealthy causing a lot of grief and hurt (which you can read more about in previous blogs).
SO I gave in and stopped fighting for a healthy marriage. It was time to fight for myself. No person is strong enough to cope with unhealthy toxic relationships forever. There will come a day that if the relationship continues being destructive you must make a choice. There are only two choices. STAY OR LEAVE.
I FINALLY LEFT…
That decision had me starting life all over again with ZERO.
While dealing with grief and loss I picked myself back up and was accepted into employment. Employment = Finances. While the finances are not a lot they are enough to pay the bills, and keep a little aside for emergencies.
Since I hadn’t worked for quite some years due to being a house mum it was another battle to get through all the self-doubts that come your way when you start a new job. I stuck in there and continued going to work on days I didn’t feel capable.
Nearly a year on I got a promotion!
All the hard work and growing that took place put me in a position in which I was ready to accept a more challenging role (while inwardly freaking out of course). This year I will be growing into that new role and no doubt there will be some more fights taking place against SELF DOUBT.
This year will be another NEW YEAR of growth and opportunities that I look forward too.
Perhaps I will be writing a blog about a special man that walked into my life and planted a smile on my face 😊😊😊😊
Only time will tell, life is about taking each day, embracing the day and not giving up!!!
Our fights are temporary.
This virus I am fighting has temporarily put me out of action but not enough that I can’t BLOG 😊.
Happy Wednesday !!!
Having gone through a major life change as I have, I felt challenged to write about something which tends to be overlooked, not spoken about or simply ignored. Those of us that have gone through serious dark times can relate to the feeling of being judged or misunderstood. I felt challenged to write about the topic ‘Christian’. Yes Christian! The word we associate to church, bible or religion.
Don’t get freaked out! I am not writing against the bible, church or the Christian.
Having been involved and attended church for decades I am speaking about something I believe should be said. It is personal to me. It has affected me. Not many would understand unless they had gone through an experience which would take them to places breaking apart small minded thinking and judgements of other people.
The fact of the matter is that I was married to a man that claimed to be a Christian. Without going into all the details of how I was mistreated, the purpose of writing about a topic such as this is the hope it will encourage others who may be in the middle of OR have gone through a similar struggle. Deep down I would hope that people who are quick to judge and live in a world too small would get a glimpse into reality rather than resort to the typical Christian phrases or bible verses blinded to ‘the real issues’ in life.
Personally, I believe what the bible talks about and I believe there is a God. Having experienced situations for myself I could never deny that God exists. Unfortunately, there are people who choose to use the bible to control others. It may be an individual or the leadership of a church. These people grab parts of the bible and use it to manipulate, control and attempt to scare the hell out of people.
The trouble is that often these people believe wholeheartedly that they are doing the right thing? Are they misunderstanding the bible? Where does this all come from?
Since my life changed over a year and half ago I have not gotten to the point in which I desire to go to church. I have tried a few times earlier when I first got to Canberra however hearing all the typical Christian phrases, messages and watching all the typical routine within a church doesn’t appeal to me. Sometimes it can feel a little like a rehearsed show. Do people really benefit from clichés?
At this point in my life I just want what is REAL and GENUINE. I have found that listening to people’s real-life battles in the place I work has been like therapy for myself. People going through real issues are usually open and genuine. They have nothing left to hide. They don’t have an image to uphold in front of others. When I have the privilege to listen to a person’s dark time I relate to them. Everything within me stops for that moment and takes in what this person is pouring out. I genuinely listen. I don’t have all the answers and they don’t expect me too. I don’t have an agenda or motive behind why I am listening, I just genuinely care about people.
Why? in the darkest hours of a person’s life is the Christian person often such a hindrance. Throwing judgemental words at the hurting person. The person who doesn’t need anymore hurt!
The fact that I currently don’t attend church does that mean I don’t believe in God? Or the bible?
The way I am living out my beliefs may look different to others. Isn’t it about the heart? Your motives and intentions? Your behaviour?
I simply cannot fathom that a God who is talked about as a loving heavenly father would be so nasty as to banish a person from his love if they were not attending a church on a regular basis. I believe God is sooooo much bigger than that. Perhaps us humans like to contain God into a very small space.
The amount of pressure often put on a Christian is another topic altogether. That if you follow all these steps daily you will be closer to God:
1. Read bible daily
2. Pray daily
3. Attend church weekly
4. Attend a bible study
5. Attend a ladies meeting
6. Attend a small group
7. Evangelise your neighbourhood and the world
All sounds good and great and involves a lot of DOING but what about who you are as a person?
A person’s beliefs don’t make them a loving person. You can attend every session under the sun, running from one group to another and ignore your family, mistreating them worse than your worst enemy. All in the belief that without DOING all of the above you will fall short of what it is to be a Christian!!!! Failing to recognise that the way you treat others should be right up there on the priority list.
I’m thankful that I have been able to see life from a different perspective. I’m so much happier and content without all of the unnecessary pressure to perform or keep up an image.
It took me along time to come out of an unhealthy relationship involving a lot of control which included emotional and spiritual abuse. The bible was often used to manipulate and scare me. Sadly, this is an all too common occurrence. This experience has changed me and my thinking for the better. You could say that it busted through my small thinking and my judgements of other people.
It also made me aware of how easily we can get mislead and controlled if we don’t use our god given brains. At the end of the day all that matters is that you live life in a way which leaves you free to be yourself! You know who you are, there is no need to keep striving towards an image someone else has established somewhere back there ←
→ move forward and don’t be controlled by others. Every human has a god given right to be themselves, we all have a different history, future and purpose.
We don’t need to be copies of others.
Life today is actively focused on what we see outwardly, rarely do we see past the external. Social media has taught society that a happy profile equals a happy fulfilling life. Smiles on social media profiles are a little like the perception of advertising. Big bright sexy smiles on products lure consumers into the belief that they will be ever so happy and satisfied once they purchase THE product, whatever THE product may be at the time.
To put an advertisement together one would expect it to take quite some work. Hours of take one, take two, take three…… until finally the advertisement is perfected and suitable for viewers. Make up is re applied, hair is touched up and actors are directed by the director for each shot. We see the final product without seeing the days, weeks or months it took to put that advertisement together. Editing removes the imperfections, the mistakes, the bloopers that were not a part of the script.
In the real world we don’t get to edit our mistakes or regrets. That which has taken place in our lives cannot be wiped out. We eventually have less attachment to the past as it fades with time however we are impacted in some way or another forever. The past carries our between takes and behind the scenes sweat and tears. The people who are closet to us know our story and the further away a person is to our lives the less they truly see. They are usually the people who get to see the final product without the knowledge of what actually took place for years prior to a persons happy social media profile. From my own experience I can honestly say that I have uploaded profiles onto social media at times in which life sucked…only those closet to me knew what was really going on behind my carefree profile picture.
As my life has progressed along month by month following my marriage break up the smile on my face has not only stayed on longer but is real and genuine. I’m not having to hide a bunch of pain that used to be going on behind the scenes in my life. I had learnt how to pretend that everything was alright and on the inside I was dying a little more every day.
Pretending takes its toll.
I couldn’t pretend anymore. The mental and emotional parts of me lost the strength to be fake. It is as though they collided into each other ready to combust causing me to have what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown.
While we like to think we are strong enough to handle continuous painful situations there is a point in which our bodies say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Thankfully when I got to that point in which my body was screaming at me to do something I actually listened, finally I listened. That moment scared me! I had never quite experienced such overwhelming deep cries coming from within me, it was too powerful for me to control. It was these overwhelming deep cries that gave me the strength to pack my bags and walk out of the most unhealthy relationship. In times past I would have gone back for fear of life not working out believing that I didn’t have the ability to get anywhere by myself. Due to the nature of the unhealthy relationship there are occasionally moments I still have to battle with ridiculous thoughts such as; I wont ever be happy as I left my marriage and therefore I am doomed for failure, as though I am in the wrong that I didn’t stay and continue being treated far less than any human should ever be treated.
I was led to believe that as a god fearing person I should stay with my husband and submit. That if I only continue being the wife that this man needed he would eventually change and start treating me right.
That never happened….
When you are in the midst of an unhealthy relationship it is so damn difficult to get yourself out. As I look back over what my life was then to what it is now I am so thankful that I finally listened to myself and did something about it. I started all over again with nothing. I did have great family support and assistance however I still had to pick myself up and get past all of the brainwashing that had got me believing that I didn’t have what it took to make it. That unless I was still with my husband I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own. That my life would end up being more messed up without him.
Each of those lies have been exposed as what they are, just lies….
It is amazing what people will say to try and keep you stuck to them. It’s a little bit like false advertising. “Stay with me and life will eventually be incredible, leave me and your life will be in ruins”….
To that I say “I left and life is becoming incredible, had I stayed any longer I would have been ruined”…..
Some 15 months on into this new journey of mine I thought I would take some time out to write a short blog. While my life is on the up and up the new responsibilities I have keep me extra busy with work, study and life! There hasn’t been much time to write down my thoughts or experiences of late.
I’m not sure about you but I’ve often thought that perhaps by now my life would be all settled and sorted yet the truth is it isn’t. Yes, personally I am in a better place yet there are days in which I still find myself searching for answers. The search can take place in my mind. As I sit and go through the past 15 months with all the various experiences I question each stage and moment thinking about, what just happened? Is this real? Do I know where I am headed? Will my life fall into place that eventually I settle into this new space as comfortably as you do when you drop onto the lounge after a hard day at work and just relax?
My emotions go on the search at times seeking out comfort.
If you can imagine what sand looks like beneath the waves as it hits the shores my life resemblances that scene. Movement is happening regularly. Things are shifting and changing, still looking to settle into its rightful place. I’m no longer in the deep ocean feeling as though I am drowning it’s just a new location. It is a safer place but a changing space.
Work has been a constant change which has required a lot of growth on my part. From more hours to changes within the structure of how the company is doing things. I’m sort of surfing work now riding the waves and often dropping off the surf board trying to get back on.
You could say that I have also surfed a little in terms of new friendships figuring out which wave to catch and which one to continue surfing on.
AT the current moment it is all a ride which is constantly changing.
There have been times when I have given myself talks like a coach to a football team and told myself to sort it out already. That surely after 15 months I would be more knowledgeable of what is going on. That surely by now I would feel completely and truly settled into my new space.
The daily routine of life is settled and organised it is all the other stuff one deals with that is still shifting and changing.
Questions such as these can keep me occupied; so now that I am single what do I really want with my life? Will I settle into a new relationship with someone one day? How will I be able to do that with all the various concerns that can keep me at a distance?
After coming through a long-term marriage break up the last thing you want to do is be in a situation in which you are going to get hurt again.
You know why?
As kids we are told to stay away from touching the stove yet at some point we touch that hot stove and never do it again. After a long term relationship it feels a little bit the same you don’t want to really do it again.
When these questions overtake my mind, I must keep reminding myself that there is no need to rush into anything with anybody. I am still healing, and things are all over the place in terms of emotions and just a general sense of trust in another human being. Trust is being developed on a gradual process within new friendships.
There are times in which I can’t even fathom how a person can commit to someone after they have been so broken and hurt from a previous relationship. Perhaps it takes years to break free of that fear?
OR perhaps it depends on who that new person is? Are they someone who understands your fears and mistrust and are willing to work with you at rebuilding it all over again. Do they care for you enough to have the patience to deal with all the insecurities you have so that a healthy relationship can develop over time?
I do believe it is all possible it is just a matter of time and healing … We can be our own worst critic expecting more results than can be possible within our time frames. When I get too hard on myself I consciously stop and say out loud that everything is going to be alright. That things will fall into place in all areas. That one day I will have a healthy meaningful relationship with someone special who will treat me the way I have always wanted to be treated. A man I can adore and respect with all my heart and a man who loves me in such a way that all my broken pieces suddenly fit together.
When life has knocked you around and you are still finding your feet don’t be too hard on yourself it will take time and patience for all of the pieces in your life to fall into their rightful place.
Probably one of the most difficult aspects of life is accepting that another person or human being can choose to make decisions that hurt you. That no matter how hard you may try to do things right or morally correct does not guarantee the same in return.
We often like to believe the best of people.
We assume that others carry with them the same values and duty of care that we hold onto and believe in.
Until the day when you realise it simply is not the truth nor the reality.
Your suddenly met with more let downs and disappointment.
It’s so unimaginable to accept that another human being just like yourself could be so against doing the right thing.
How do they live with themselves you wonder?
Is it possible that another human being can be so hard on the inside they have no feelings at all?
If only the world were filled with people who did the right thing!
The fact of the matter is the world isn’t like that. Our own world isn’t like that. There are people in our circles who only have one person on their mind and that is themselves.
Yes, people can be very selfish.
By nature, I am a softy. I don’t like being tough when I need to be. Which has worked against me over the years and kept me in an unhealthy marriage. Even my sensitive nature couldn’t stop me from coming to my limits. I finally came to that place in which I took the opportunity and walked out. It was one of the hardest moments I have ever come across in life. I had to save myself.
Over one year later here I am navigating another obstacle.
While I am no longer in a marriage I am still partially reliant on the decisions they make. Those decisions affect me financially. My job doesn’t pay a lot per hour and I am already working five days a week during school hours. Up until this week what has helped me is receiving payments for my 10-year-old from the government. It isn’t a lot however it adds to what I am earning and takes the edge off a little. Unfortunately, this week that payment has been stopped. No fault of mine. I’m now being penalised for another human being’s choices of which I have no control. Despite my best efforts at explaining what has happened to my ex no responsibility has been accepted by them. It not only affects me it affects their child.
My ex is living the high life with no responsibility of looking after or paying for children. They have the freedom of working as many hours as they so wish. Here I am having started with nothing over a year ago doing everything I can possible to make life work and now I am faced with more struggle.
All I have ever hoped for was just the bare minimum of assistance from them which I don’t dictate but the government does. My best efforts at communicating have not produced anything but excuses and silence.
It is so unbelievably difficult comprehending another person’s actions or lack thereof when it comes to these types of situations.
How does a father take no responsibility?
My previous blog I talked about having forgiven but not forgotten.
It is times like this you remind yourself why you left in the first place.
Nothing has changed.
They haven’t changed.
They are still the same person by actions.
A person can apologise to you a thousand times yet if they keep hurting you by their actions then it is time to look after yourself.
When I was in the marriage I thought I was doing the right thing accepting their apologies repeatedly. In normal situations that’s what people should do. However not all situations are normal. Not all people or relationships are normal or healthy for that matter.
I lived in denial for so many years.
Over a year later and having not been with them since, nothing has changed. If they didn’t care when married why would they care when you’re no longer with them.
Accepting these facts can be so hard.
One of my short falls is believing that other people carry the same values as me. That if I would do my best to do the right thing then they will too.
There comes a point in life when you must accept the facts! Or else you will continue living in a situation which is causing you damage more than you may realise.
Not everyone in life is going to do the right thing by you.
Don’t do what I did and keep going for 27 years hoping to change someone for the better.
You can’t change them.
When the facts are staring at you in the face, face them. Believe the facts they don’t lie. A person can sound like they are convincing with their apologies or their intentions yet when their actions are always opposite there comes a time in which you must save yourself.
It isn’t you, its them.
For those of you who have read my blogs over the past year you would be familiar with all the various challenges and stages I have walked through or rather at times moved at snail’s pace to get to the next day. You yourself may connect with my blogs as perhaps you have or are experiencing truly tough life circumstances, which is one of the reasons I decided to start writing in the first place. To not only help myself to process life with all its challenges but to use my pain and growth for good purposes. If it helps someone it is all worth the effort. In no way do I profess to have all the right answers and we each go through different situations.
What works for me may not work for you!
It’s not so much that I write to give the answers, I write to share my journey with life so others don’t feel alone. I write to breathe hope. To shed light. To let individuals, know that if I can get through it, they can too!
Today I am writing about forgiveness. ♥
This past week has been another one of those very trying and difficult times. Not only have I been battling some sort of virus in my body which has put me out of work now for four days, last weekend I had to meet with my ex-husband for the first time in over one year.
The shear thought initially had me very vulnerable and sensitive. The week prior to seeing him I was experiencing all sorts of emotions. It didn’t seem to make sense. Why was I experiencing so much emotion when I had thought it was already dealt with?
Perhaps it was the unknown.
How was I going to react seeing him especially after everything that has happened?
Was I going to react angry? Sad?
The reality is I was with this person for 27 years and had five children.
It was a special family occasion that put me in the situation of having to see him again.
No amount of psyching myself up was going to help me.
Prior to seeing him as I mentioned I was very sensitive. I went through a series of thoughts, emotions, worries and even regrets.
The moment arrived in which I was in the same room as him. It was perhaps one of the most surreal and awkward times of my life. It was as though a dead person came back to life and they were now in the same room as me.
As I was in what you can call my own ‘safety bubble’ at the time I was unable to notice my young son’s reaction to seeing his own dad after having had no contact with him for the whole time. Prior to the day I had encouraged my young son in coming along as he too was apprehensive. It was not my young sons fault that he hadn’t had contact with his dad nor was it mine. I explained to him that another year on and it will be virtually impossible for him to meet up with his dad. Not the ideal situation by any means.
Amongst family in the same room I stood there with my ex-husband breathing the same air as me. At first, I found it difficult to look his way. Slowly I got braver and could take short glimpses of the man I was married too. Each glimpse was confronting. Each glimpse brought back pain and hurt. Each glimpse touched on sad places in my heart. Each glimpse reminded me that our marriage was over.
Then the time came for our first conversation face to face.
It was during our conversation that the reality of our marriage being over was hitting me. We were such separate people now. Any connection we may have had was completely broken. We were like old friends from times past who were having a conversation and catching up on each other’s past year.
There was no topic off limits. We talked about everything.
While in the back of my mind I remembered everything that he had put me through I was able to come to a place in which I told him that ‘I can forgive him’. I choose to forgive him. In the next sentence, I had to let him know that while I forgive him I won’t be able to forget. That as a person I have grown so much and recognised what I want and what I don’t want and what is healthy and what is not.
This sequence of events has helped me heal some more.
Despite the harsh reality of a broken family something has shifted in that I can talk to him without animosity or resentment. I can talk confidently. For the sake of all our children and especially the youngest there is now room for Dad to be in their life if he chooses to be.
This past week I have learnt to FORGIVE.
To GRIEVE again.
To ACCEPT what is.
The signs I chose to ignore:
• Silent Treatment: Silent treatment is just as the definition describes. When someone you are in a relationship with becomes silent rather than discuss important issues turning cold and withdrawing leaving you feeling as though you are invisible and unimportant. At times walking past you as you sit there on the lounge at home ignoring your presence (that’s when you know things are quite bad). It is often talked about that men go into their man caves or there nothing box inside their head however when a man ignores you and gives you the silent treatment when you are hurting is hurting you! There is no excuse for a real man to ignore you when you’re hurting. Any real man that truly cares about you will care when you are hurting. Even when they don’t have all the answers they will support you emotionally.
• Not taking responsibility: When your partner makes decisions usually big ones (particularly financial) and it goes sour! They suddenly disappear leaving you with the after effects. Debt collectors knocking on the door and calling you on the phone. A real man takes responsibility and doesn’t leave their partner to deal with the after effects and vanish. Real men face their wrong doings and admit fault. Real men make amends. Life doesn’t always go to plan and sometimes things go wrong however when a partner ditches you with all the consequences and stress something isn’t right? When you confront them with their actions they get defensive and angry. You walk away feeling like a failure, feeling as though you are not strong enough to deal with life’s problems…. You begin to make excuses on their behalf. You begin to lie to the debt collectors and then you get used to doing so…. You start lying to yourself….
• Boasting: The topic of conversation is usually about how good they are at pulling off that deal. They can get so caught up in conversation about themselves that they don’t even realise what they are saying. It starts getting uncomfortable when your around other people and your partner begins to boast. It’s about them. About how great they are. Every sentence begins with them and ends with them. They talk themselves UP to such a point everyone listening on begins to feel uncomfortable. You hear what is said and recognise all the exaggerated facts. All the untruths. You stand there smiling while on the inside you feel embarrassed and mumble underneath your breath ‘that wasn’t what happened, his lying’. Why the lies?
• Embarrassing you: Around others they will say revealing things about you. Without warning conversations have you feeling embarrassed. Nothing is safe in their knowledge of you. They reveal personal information to others you thought was only between the two of you. You start to wonder what your friends are thinking…eventually you stop making friends, close ones. You may know a lot of people however it’s not safe to get too close as eventually it will only end up in embarrassment. Or worse they may say something to your friends and they don’t want much to do with you anymore. You begin to get isolated from friends and family. As you confront them about their behaviours they convince you that everyone else has the issues and not them. They can be so convincing that you may even start believing that your friends and family are unsafe to talk to. The idea of going anywhere with this person can be extremely stressful as you never know what they are going to do or say!!!! You have no assurance that they will look out for your best interest or the best interests of others. They just say whatever comes to mind. No prior thought, no consideration of other’s feelings. In life, there is always room for humour yet there is a big difference between genuine humour and hurtful remarks.
• Never apologising: We all make mistakes. Sometimes we say things in ways that come out wrong. We may be having a bad day and it doesn’t come out right. Most people know when they need to apologise. Especially in a relationship it’s not difficult to know when we have hurt the other person in our lives. What happens when it is always you that apologises? I would rather be someone that can apologise. A person who leaves you to do all the apologising is someone who struggles to see their part in the story. If a partner always leaves you feeling as though every problem that arises within the relationship is all your fault I would question how long that relationship will last? You can only go so long apologising before you begin to grow resentful. It is about having a partnership. A partnership involving only one side apologising is not balanced.
When in a relationship or partnership with someone and these issues are involved you begin to lose RESPECT and TRUST … You begin to lose yourself in the process and eventually the cracks will cause a complete break, it’s inevitable. … If it isn’t the relationship that breaks in the beginning its your personality and your own worth and value.