Posted in Acceptance, courage, Freedom, Healing Process, Inspiration, parenting, relationships, Strength and resilience

Not on my watch β€¦.

An area of weakness within my DNA and core of who I am is the tendency to believe that all people are good and they have your back. Time and time again I have found that not to be the case. We meet people along the path of life whether they be work colleagues, family or friends that can turn on you without warning. Way back in my younger days I was always worried about being liked. It held too much of a focus. I don’t think I was really aware at that age of how hard it can be to please and impress everyone. The need to keep everyone happy OR to be liked had me under a lot of pressure. It had me being someone I wasn’t at different times. I would have to go with the flow, speak as others speak, do as they say OR else be judged, be left behind, be hated OR ignored. I couldn’t stand the idea of others not liking me when I was young.

When you are young and trying to impress others or trying to keep the peace you hold back on who you really are. Others don’t get to know you as YOU. As my young self it felt like such a RISK to be me. FEAR kept me bound, it was about the risk of losing, the risk of failure which had my thoughts, opinions and words locked up inside of me. I would hide them with a smile. Little did others know how painful it really was to keep my mouth closed from speaking, holding in what I really thought about something, pretending to like it, pretending to be happy when I was in fact hurting, angry, sad etc.

As a 52 year old looking back on my young self always gives me clear answers as to how I managed to get into situations that were not good for me. It was always about fitting in, about not upsetting anyone and as mentioned before “going with the flow”. … Blending in, not being different, not having a voice, invisible, silent, careful, on edge, pretending, lonely and sad. In a way I was like a robot doing as others do or being as they wanted me to be. Holding onto the desperate need to please everyone I fought to stay on their good side. People liked me because I didn’t challenge them. I was easy to manipulate, control OR disregard.

The idea that people always have your back was smashed many times over in my life and even now I experience what people can be like. As we all do of course. We all have our experiences with people. Probably one of the most biggest challenges I have given myself since my life changed drastically in 2016 was to never stop being myself. It was about choosing not to be a people pleaser, not allowing myself opportunities to fall into any traps for others to control my life. As I have been there and done that. I paid the ultimate price back in 2016 when I walked away leaving 4 adult children behind. To this day I still cant quite comprehend how I did that, as my children have always been the love of my life. I can only say that it was desperation to save myself that kept me strong. The pain and heartache I went through during that period I wouldn’t even be able to describe unless you are someone that has gone through the same experience. The one thing that has kept me sane is the knowledge that had I not left I would probably not even be half of who I am today. I would have gone to the next level of serious mental health crisis.

Having been through the ultimate sacrifice as a mother I am unable to tolerate certain behaviours from others where once upon a time I would have just smiled and pretended I was ok with it. In my life now I don’t allow others to dictate who I should be. I won’t let anyone no matter who they are, to think they can treat me whichever way they like and think is OK.

Its not OK….

The older me is learning to say NO. I am learning to have boundaries I should have had years ago. I am also learning that as I have been setting boundaries there are people that don’t like me. I am facing the exact situation that I was trying to avoid as a young person. I can no longer please and impress people. I believe that if any person genuinely wants you in their life they will not push you away. If they truly like you then they won’t treat you poorly. I am learning to be OK with people not liking me.

When others don’t like me I remind myself of all the amazing people in my world that do like me and even love me. Having had healthy people in my life over the recent years as given me the opportunity to safely discover who I really am. The people that love me allow me to use my words, to speak my thoughts and share my opinions. They don’t get angry with me for opening up. They want to know how I am and what I think. They don’t treat me terribly. It’s a wonderful feeling to have safe people in my life. I hold onto the people in my life that have shown me they are there for the long haul. I thank them for allowing me to grow into who I am today πŸ™‚

Posted in Uncategorized

We Change

Way back when I started this blog page I had no idea of how life would look ahead of time. Who would have thought I would be leaving a 27 year marriage. Who would have thought I would find myself facing all my fears at once. Life suddenly forced me to fight. And fight I did. I didn’t give up! It’s as though I was figuring out who I was all over again. The past me was a mother of five, married and always feeling defeated. Defeated in my relationship, defeated in my circumstances and overall outlook on life. My heart and mind was fragile. I couldn’t even explain to others how helpless I was.

In my fight to start all over again I fought to get a rental for myself and young son. I fought to find a job. Succeeded with both.

To find love I wasn’t sure about, I of course yearned to have connection and most definitely knew what I wouldn’t settle for, it was so foreign to me starting again, trusting in another human.

I slowly stepped into that space of vulnerability, in giving someone the opportunity to know me. So glad I did 😊 We have been together for about 4 and half years. Now married nearly 4 months. Living in our brand new house….

I’ve grown and I’ve changed. All for the better. Life is content and whole.

As we all know life does get rebuilt from hardship giving us the chance to smile again, and yet we can’t prevent the unexpected moments of change. Last year bought about more change when mum was unexpectedly told she had lymphoma. Suddenly my mum was fighting to live. We fought hard with her. We had her longer then first thought. Then as quickly as she was told after intensive chemotherapy she was cancer free, it felt like a brief moment in time when the cancer came back. We hadn’t had a chance to catch our breath and suddenly we were with her as she was taking her last breath.

Life changed. Mum was gone and we were all broken. I’m still grieving, missing her more then ever, I’ve had to adapt to life without her. It’s times like this we change. We can’t stay the same, life is constantly on the move and we move with it. Good or Bad!!!

πŸ’œ

Posted in Uncategorized

Happy Easter 🐣

Happy Easter 🐣 to loved ones and friends and lovely blog readers.


We can live without chocolate, but can’t live our best life without LOVE.

That’s the most important, love means lots of things. In a world thats filled with sadness, hatred and turmoil, LOVE heals. ❀

When I reflect on my mums journey last year, which was a battle I can’t begin to explain, it was LOVE that saw her through every single moment right to the very end. Her families love gave her courage, joy and strength. πŸ’Ÿ

I love you Aiti Liisa Marjatta Kohonen and miss you every single day. I carry the memory of you in my heart forever till we meet again. β™₯

Posted in Grief, Healing Process, Strength and resilience

The Up’s and Down’s of Life

After nearly 5 months of my mum’s passing the deep longing to see her again and speak with her continues. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her or miss her. My mind goes back to last year and all the challenges she went through. Her family by her side every step of the way. My mind is still fresh with memories of her last days on earth which led to her last breath. I was there to the very end with my three sisters and my dad.

Her battle, her face, her hands, her feet, her bravery, her voice, her words, her frail body continue to play on my mind as though it was yesterday. Each memory my heart aches and hurts for her. For what she went through, the loss, the family events she has missed since her passing.

One major event she missed out on was “My Wedding Day”… The only consolation I have of that is her words to me one evening when I was leaving to go home from the hospital, in her words “I’m so Happy you have a Good Man to go home too”. My mum was finally confident that her eldest daughter’s life was moving forwards, it was peaceful, safe and she had no need to be worried about me any longer. As a mother myself I truly understand the concern we can have for our children regardless of their age. A mother only wants their child/children to be safe and happy.

While my mum was not there physically on our wedding day, I like to believe she was there in spirit.

These are the up’s and down’s of life. We cannot avoid heartache and pain. It will always be and it will always invade our happy lives at some point.

I am ever so grateful to have a husband that supports me and loves me for who I am. He brings out the best in me, and knows how to bring comfort to my broken heart. I don’t know how long it will take before my heart has some pain relief from losing my mum, in the meantime I will continue with life and cherish the lovely people I still have in my world.

Posted in Grief, Strength and resilience

The day I have always dreaded.

Nearly a week ago sadly my mum passed away from a disease that tried to take her earlier in the year. She was so strong and determined getting through 7 rounds of chemotherapy and other treatments. In July this year she had the all clear and all of our family celebrated the words we wished to hear.

Cancer Free!

Sadly it came back about 4 weeks ago, with only a few short months of freedom and recovery, mum landed back in hospital. She received the worse news possible from the Doctors advising her that there was no treatment available. This year has been a big one to say the least! My mum powered through every challenge and I got to see her fight like “wonder woman”. She gave it her all, she showed me what bravery and courage looks like in real life. She shook off her shyness and became a wonderfully confident person. At her worst she shone through with gratefulness for every day that she was given.

As a family we have grieved all year, grieved for the health that mum had lost, the battles she had to fight. We walked with her every step of the way and ensured she was never alone. My mum showed me how to stand strong and brave in the midst of undeniable odds. I had sat with her and held her hand as I was preparing for her to leave this earth to eternity. With every stroke of her beautiful hand I thought about what life would be like without her and here I am with a gap in my heart as she is no longer on earth. It’s hard to know what to feel, its deep, its real and its an inner sense of knowing something is very missing in my life.

My mum will continue to be my inspiration. I will always think of her when I am afraid, when life throws its challenges my way. It’s in moments like this that nothing else matters, all the small worries in life seem so insignificant. Wednesday the 1st of December we say fare well to our beautiful mother. Life is crazy sometimes. It doesn’t always make sense to us. We hurt, we heal, we love and we lose love. Our memories are always with us and that is where my mum will have a special place, in the memories of my heart always and forever.

Thank You Mum for your amazing strength, you are going to be missed so much. Until we meet again I love You always. Xxx