Way back when I started this blog page I had no idea of how life would look ahead of time. Who would have thought I would be leaving a 27 year marriage. Who would have thought I would find myself facing all my fears at once. Life suddenly forced me to fight. And fight I did. I didn’t give up! It’s as though I was figuring out who I was all over again. The past me was a mother of five, married and always feeling defeated. Defeated in my relationship, defeated in my circumstances and overall outlook on life. My heart and mind was fragile. I couldn’t even explain to others how helpless I was.

In my fight to start all over again I fought to get a rental for myself and young son. I fought to find a job. Succeeded with both.

To find love I wasn’t sure about, I of course yearned to have connection and most definitely knew what I wouldn’t settle for, it was so foreign to me starting again, trusting in another human.

I slowly stepped into that space of vulnerability, in giving someone the opportunity to know me. So glad I did 😊 We have been together for about 4 and half years. Now married nearly 4 months. Living in our brand new house….

I’ve grown and I’ve changed. All for the better. Life is content and whole.

As we all know life does get rebuilt from hardship giving us the chance to smile again, and yet we can’t prevent the unexpected moments of change. Last year bought about more change when mum was unexpectedly told she had lymphoma. Suddenly my mum was fighting to live. We fought hard with her. We had her longer then first thought. Then as quickly as she was told after intensive chemotherapy she was cancer free, it felt like a brief moment in time when the cancer came back. We hadn’t had a chance to catch our breath and suddenly we were with her as she was taking her last breath.

Life changed. Mum was gone and we were all broken. I’m still grieving, missing her more then ever, I’ve had to adapt to life without her. It’s times like this we change. We can’t stay the same, life is constantly on the move and we move with it. Good or Bad!!!

πŸ’œ

Happy Easter 🐣 to loved ones and friends and lovely blog readers.


We can live without chocolate, but can’t live our best life without LOVE.

That’s the most important, love means lots of things. In a world thats filled with sadness, hatred and turmoil, LOVE heals. ❀

When I reflect on my mums journey last year, which was a battle I can’t begin to explain, it was LOVE that saw her through every single moment right to the very end. Her families love gave her courage, joy and strength. πŸ’Ÿ

I love you Aiti Liisa Marjatta Kohonen and miss you every single day. I carry the memory of you in my heart forever till we meet again. β™₯

After nearly 5 months of my mum’s passing the deep longing to see her again and speak with her continues. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her or miss her. My mind goes back to last year and all the challenges she went through. Her family by her side every step of the way. My mind is still fresh with memories of her last days on earth which led to her last breath. I was there to the very end with my three sisters and my dad.

Her battle, her face, her hands, her feet, her bravery, her voice, her words, her frail body continue to play on my mind as though it was yesterday. Each memory my heart aches and hurts for her. For what she went through, the loss, the family events she has missed since her passing.

One major event she missed out on was “My Wedding Day”… The only consolation I have of that is her words to me one evening when I was leaving to go home from the hospital, in her words “I’m so Happy you have a Good Man to go home too”. My mum was finally confident that her eldest daughter’s life was moving forwards, it was peaceful, safe and she had no need to be worried about me any longer. As a mother myself I truly understand the concern we can have for our children regardless of their age. A mother only wants their child/children to be safe and happy.

While my mum was not there physically on our wedding day, I like to believe she was there in spirit.

These are the up’s and down’s of life. We cannot avoid heartache and pain. It will always be and it will always invade our happy lives at some point.

I am ever so grateful to have a husband that supports me and loves me for who I am. He brings out the best in me, and knows how to bring comfort to my broken heart. I don’t know how long it will take before my heart has some pain relief from losing my mum, in the meantime I will continue with life and cherish the lovely people I still have in my world.

Nearly a week ago sadly my mum passed away from a disease that tried to take her earlier in the year. She was so strong and determined getting through 7 rounds of chemotherapy and other treatments. In July this year she had the all clear and all of our family celebrated the words we wished to hear.

Cancer Free!

Sadly it came back about 4 weeks ago, with only a few short months of freedom and recovery, mum landed back in hospital. She received the worse news possible from the Doctors advising her that there was no treatment available. This year has been a big one to say the least! My mum powered through every challenge and I got to see her fight like “wonder woman”. She gave it her all, she showed me what bravery and courage looks like in real life. She shook off her shyness and became a wonderfully confident person. At her worst she shone through with gratefulness for every day that she was given.

As a family we have grieved all year, grieved for the health that mum had lost, the battles she had to fight. We walked with her every step of the way and ensured she was never alone. My mum showed me how to stand strong and brave in the midst of undeniable odds. I had sat with her and held her hand as I was preparing for her to leave this earth to eternity. With every stroke of her beautiful hand I thought about what life would be like without her and here I am with a gap in my heart as she is no longer on earth. It’s hard to know what to feel, its deep, its real and its an inner sense of knowing something is very missing in my life.

My mum will continue to be my inspiration. I will always think of her when I am afraid, when life throws its challenges my way. It’s in moments like this that nothing else matters, all the small worries in life seem so insignificant. Wednesday the 1st of December we say fare well to our beautiful mother. Life is crazy sometimes. It doesn’t always make sense to us. We hurt, we heal, we love and we lose love. Our memories are always with us and that is where my mum will have a special place, in the memories of my heart always and forever.

Thank You Mum for your amazing strength, you are going to be missed so much. Until we meet again I love You always. Xxx

Most people understand what it means to be “pushed to breaking point”. Its when you reach that place of intense pressure, stress, pain or hurt. Humans are capable of so much resilience and yet in each of our lives we will at some point reach that place where we are breaking. There is healthy stress and unhealthy stress. Healthy stress keeps us going to get things done while unhealthy stress causes all types of damage mentally and physically. There are endless situations that can push someone to breaking point. What I really want to talk about and focus on is the breaking that takes place when you are in an unhealthy relationship.

There is so much awareness in todays age about all the different types of abuse that people can experience. From physical, verbal to emotional. When you have been in that type of relationship it resonates with you at a very personal level it’s no longer something you only read about. A person that has lived in that type of relationship knows what it really feels like. It can be a very lonely place in fact!! Particularly when the abuse takes place in silence. Miriam Webster’s Dictionary describes the term abuse as; to inflict physical or emotional harm upon. Physical abuse is easy to detect, there are bruises or other horrible injuries that can’t be hidden showing others or yourself that it isn’t something imagined it actually happened. Emotional abuse is the quiet/silent type, others don’t always pick it up and if they do the victim having been manipulated clings to the perpetrator to try and establish “normal life”, resulting in those “others” being pushed away and kept at a distance.

What happens when kids are involved? They are often living under the same roof where all the damage is being done. They don’t comprehend what’s really going on but they do know it doesn’t feel like a comfortable safe place. Kids are resilient, they stay busy playing with their siblings or friends, doing school and life, not quite aware that the reason its so uncomfortable is that the two people in their lives who should have it all together don’t. Sadly the kids see it all, hear some of it and learn ways to cope to get through all of the bad days. Unfortunately my kids saw me reach breaking point countless of times. They would have seen me crying, in bed with depression, withdrawn, sad, anxious, explode in pain, yell or scream at their father, confused, desperate, unmotivated, sensitive, angry and overprotective. As hard as I tried to hold everything in, at times I found it impossible to contain the emotions I felt from the mistreatment. The mistreatment was subtle, at times direct, ruthless, intentional, harmful, deceptive, dangerous, fear inducing, belittling and controlling. At each breaking point I reacted. That in itself is another clever tactic of the perpetrator as they quietly mistreat you behind closed doors creating the scene for you to explode or react in front of others so that you look like the one with all the problems. It doesn’t necessarily need to happen behind closed doors, it can happen right in front of your children. As kids are growing up they become accustomed to behaviours even when they are wrong. They don’t know any better so they think that the way in which Dad speaks to Mum (always jokingly of course) is funny and normal. Mum hears (the Joke) and feels another moment of pain on top of all the other pain she has experienced with him.

We all reach breaking points and when someone taunts you enough you will respond. Normally I am a calm person, I have not had difficulties with other people, only ever the ones that mistreat. Humans were not made to bear the brunt of other peoples mistreatment. You can ignore it for a little while but eventually its something to be faced head on. Especially if you recognise your worth and value as a person and start to see that the mistreatment is not deserved or justified. It is wrong, its abuse and it shouldn’t be happening. Emotional abuse is one of the worst kinds, its silent and damaging. After having left that relationship I have continued experiencing growth and healing. While I am not 100% (and perhaps never will be) I am a much better version of ME. The fact is, in my new life I am free to be myself, I am not questioned, I am not belittled, I am not put down, I am not disregarded, I am taken seriously and not treated as though I am a child.

I am so very grateful for my new life, I don’t take a single day for granted, I have nothing but appreciation for it as I have been through so much in the past that every single moment is a treasure to me. Anyone that comes across my path who represents “mistreatment” wont get very far with me, there will never be any form of going back to my old life now that I know my own value. I will only have people in my life that share my values and don’t take to mistreatment or bullying. Its not apart of me anymore, its foreign and unwanted. That my friend is freedom and happiness!!!!

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