When I think about Christmas.

This year travelled along very quickly and we sit on the verge of another brand spanking NEW YEAR !!!

Before I get ahead of myself, Christmas is waiting around the corner to be celebrated first. I must admit my first Christmas back in 2016 was the most difficult emotionally after our family broke up and with another Christmas in between being 2017, I have sprung back to enjoying Christmas again.

Christmas 2018.

Two Christmas’s ago I felt very sad, missed my adult children and was grieving over a broken family. It was the toughest Christmas I’ve ever experienced. As I’ve mentioned in an earlier blog it is all the FIRST’S that are the hardest when life has bought about a huge change. I’ve always known that change is not my favourite experience. It throws me off somewhat and depending upon the extent of the change determines how much it affects me.

As any mum I love all of my children and it is in this area I have been forced to let go and accept that Christmas will always be different now. Not all my adult children live close by, two of them are a 16 hour drive away. I miss them all the time. Of course my adult children were always going to grow up and leave home eventually and the eldest was already living away from home when our family broke up however it usually happens slowly. This allows time for the mum to accept it and grieve. When our family broke up it was overnight, no warning with no time to get ready emotionally.

It was on that night and in that moment I had to make a choice. The choice I took led me out the doors of the house we had just moved into and led me out of a very unhealthy 27 year marriage. I had to leave my adult children behind to save myself. I took my youngest with me and knew that this was going to be very hard for everyone.

As we are all on the verge of Christmas 2018 I am thankful that I made that choice. I can look back to where I was and appreciate living a healthy life. I love my new life. I no longer need to live on egg shells or cope with anxiety most days. I am experiencing a whole new world of healthy.

It is important to recognise what healthy looks like. We are happy to recognise the need to be healthy physically however often overlook what healthy is in our relationships. Unhealthy relationships impact psychologically, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I’m not talking about the little arguments couples have, I’m talking about mistreatment. Mistreatment that continues year after year.

It’s the mistrust, hurtful behaviour, manipulation, neglect, selfishness, sarcasm, emotional abuse and for some physical abuse. We often hear about this happening not realising how very real it is and how much it hurts people. No person on the planet deserves this form of treatment. If someone truly loves you they will not treat you that way, that is not love. A person who carries out this type of behaviour has deep issues and you will never be able to fix them.

SHOULD by some miracle that person sort themselves out and get better it will be too late as the damage is done and you will never trust them again. They have wounded you.

This Christmas when we celebrate lets not ignore the people around us as they could be dealing with something very painful. Christmas has a way of reminding us about the people we truly care about. Some of those people may live far away or may have even moved on into eternity.

If you know deep down that your relationship is very unhealthy and you are hurting more than anyone knows, remember that regardless of how scary it might be to reach out to others you cant do this alone. Its not your fault and you don’t deserve to be treated badly. If someone close to you was being treated very badly in a relationship would you accept that? If not then why would you allow someone to treat YOU badly? (food for thought)

WISHING YOU ALL A SAFE AND LOVELY CHRISTMAS 🙂


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Forgive, forget not.

For those of you who have read my blogs over the past year you would be familiar with all the various challenges and stages I have walked through or rather at times moved at snail’s pace to get to the next day. You yourself may connect with my blogs as perhaps you have or are experiencing truly tough life circumstances, which is one of the reasons I decided to start writing in the first place. To not only help myself to process life with all its challenges but to use my pain and growth for good purposes. If it helps someone it is all worth the effort. In no way do I profess to have all the right answers and we each go through different situations.
What works for me may not work for you!
It’s not so much that I write to give the answers, I write to share my journey with life so others don’t feel alone. I write to breathe hope. To shed light. To let individuals, know that if I can get through it, they can too!
Today I am writing about forgiveness. ♥
This past week has been another one of those very trying and difficult times. Not only have I been battling some sort of virus in my body which has put me out of work now for four days, last weekend I had to meet with my ex-husband for the first time in over one year.
The shear thought initially had me very vulnerable and sensitive. The week prior to seeing him I was experiencing all sorts of emotions. It didn’t seem to make sense. Why was I experiencing so much emotion when I had thought it was already dealt with?
Perhaps it was the unknown.

How was I going to react seeing him especially after everything that has happened?
Was I going to react angry? Sad?
The reality is I was with this person for 27 years and had five children.
It was a special family occasion that put me in the situation of having to see him again.
No amount of psyching myself up was going to help me.
Prior to seeing him as I mentioned I was very sensitive. I went through a series of thoughts, emotions, worries and even regrets.
The moment arrived in which I was in the same room as him. It was perhaps one of the most surreal and awkward times of my life. It was as though a dead person came back to life and they were now in the same room as me.
As I was in what you can call my own ‘safety bubble’ at the time I was unable to notice my young son’s reaction to seeing his own dad after having had no contact with him for the whole time. Prior to the day I had encouraged my young son in coming along as he too was apprehensive. It was not my young sons fault that he hadn’t had contact with his dad nor was it mine. I explained to him that another year on and it will be virtually impossible for him to meet up with his dad. Not the ideal situation by any means.
Amongst family in the same room I stood there with my ex-husband breathing the same air as me. At first, I found it difficult to look his way. Slowly I got braver and could take short glimpses of the man I was married too. Each glimpse was confronting. Each glimpse brought back pain and hurt. Each glimpse touched on sad places in my heart. Each glimpse reminded me that our marriage was over.
WOW!
Then the time came for our first conversation face to face.
It was during our conversation that the reality of our marriage being over was hitting me. We were such separate people now. Any connection we may have had was completely broken. We were like old friends from times past who were having a conversation and catching up on each other’s past year.
There was no topic off limits. We talked about everything.
While in the back of my mind I remembered everything that he had put me through I was able to come to a place in which I told him that ‘I can forgive him’. I choose to forgive him. In the next sentence, I had to let him know that while I forgive him I won’t be able to forget. That as a person I have grown so much and recognised what I want and what I don’t want and what is healthy and what is not.
This sequence of events has helped me heal some more.
Despite the harsh reality of a broken family something has shifted in that I can talk to him without animosity or resentment. I can talk confidently. For the sake of all our children and especially the youngest there is now room for Dad to be in their life if he chooses to be.
This past week I have learnt to FORGIVE.
To GRIEVE again.
To ACCEPT what is.

 

Is there ever a ‘right time?’

We all need purpose in life!  Having a dream to do something significant with where your passion is gets you to the place of fulfilling your purpose. Having dreams and passions is not enough. It would be great if your dreams came knocking at the door one day and said “hey we are here to fulfil your purpose”.  How easy would that be? Obviously too easy! Life never happens like that. There are always steps we need to take to get there. The steps however small they are lead you to your purpose. Purpose is never all wrapped up and ready to go it takes time to piece together.

When I was younger I had a few dreams and it has taken a journey of a couple of decades to get to where I am today. Where I am today is still far from my dreams however I am closer to them now then a couple of decades ago.

Having had five children and being passionate about mum hood   was a priority that I valued and still value. Once upon a time I had four children less than four years of age. I was in my mid-twenties and at that age it was do-able. My husband worked and I stayed at home doing what mums do; taking care of little ones. YES it was very hectic and exhausting on certain days however I loved every bit of it. It is such a rewarding experience to be pregnant and then give birth to a gorgeous baby with a personality of their own. Each of my five children is unique and diverse in their abilities.

In the middle of the baby season in my life I still had dreams for myself. While I sort of stuck my toe out the door a little bit from time to time it was always the children that took first place in my life. It was something I couldn’t change if I wanted too! They were my priority and I loved it.

After the birth of my fifth child at the age of 37 I was still going through the ‘midlife crisis’ season. We moved to a new state that was incredibly hot and humid in summer and quite isolating from family. This probably did not lessen the pain in that season but perhaps made it worse, I will never know.

As I was coming out of the ‘midlife crisis’ I was aware that there was a dream in my heart still to be accomplished except I had no idea what it looked like as an older person. It was easier to dream when I was younger. When you are young the future looks bright and exciting! I had put my dreams on hold in my younger days to be a mum.♥

So here I was about to turn 43 and wondering what the next phase of my life looked like. I still had a young one to take care of and four teenager/adults living in the house as well. Plenty of housework and duties to perform kept me very busy. Within the busyness there was a nudging taking place on the inside of me. The nudge was begging for attention.

As an introvert and detailed person I usually like to have everything in place before I take something on. I am also someone who likes to feel, I’m very sensitive to emotion. So before taking a step it needs to feel right. A woman’s feelings change from day to day so to rely on those for timing could result in procrastination (which I was also very good at)!

When the nudging started to happen I was in my early forties and coming out of my ‘midlife crisis’, this perhaps put me into an advantage. In the forties one begins to realise that time is running out so there is no time to waste. Evidently this is what happened to me. All of my excuses for any delay in taking steps were no longer valid as I was faced with the realisation that I had less time to feel right. In other words I was not getting any younger.

While my dream was ultimately to help people  it had changed a little in direction. When I was younger the idea of studying psychology was as far away as the last planet is in the solar system from earth. Very average high school grades and a complete lack of interest in school was a true motivator against doing any further study!

One day as I was ‘googling’ options on the internet the words “psychology” came up. The idea of a psychology course was starting to spark interest. As I read more information about the course I decided that NOW was the right time to start. I recognised that if I were to put off taking the step another year then that would be another year I could not get back and that one day I would be able to say  I have finished the course.

Every step counts when you make a decision to head towards your dream. As you journey along you may find that the direction changes a little or you may recognise other areas of interest that perhaps would not have been highlighted to you unless you had taken that first step.

The psychology course has opened up an interest for me in ‘writing’. I recognise that I am not the best writer and have much to learn however I am passionate about connecting with people on a heart level and injecting them with inspiration! My writing is not intellectual head knowledge it is all based on heart. While my psychology course uses words that I have never heard of, my writing is simple and easy to understand on PURPOSE.  The inspiration comes from journeys that I have personally travelled through and have a desire to let others know that they are never alone and that in fact others have also been where they are.

What steps could you take towards your dreams?