Posted in Acceptance, courage, Freedom, Healing Process, Inspiration, parenting, relationships, Strength and resilience

Not on my watch ….

An area of weakness within my DNA and core of who I am is the tendency to believe that all people are good and they have your back. Time and time again I have found that not to be the case. We meet people along the path of life whether they be work colleagues, family or friends that can turn on you without warning. Way back in my younger days I was always worried about being liked. It held too much of a focus. I don’t think I was really aware at that age of how hard it can be to please and impress everyone. The need to keep everyone happy OR to be liked had me under a lot of pressure. It had me being someone I wasn’t at different times. I would have to go with the flow, speak as others speak, do as they say OR else be judged, be left behind, be hated OR ignored. I couldn’t stand the idea of others not liking me when I was young.

When you are young and trying to impress others or trying to keep the peace you hold back on who you really are. Others don’t get to know you as YOU. As my young self it felt like such a RISK to be me. FEAR kept me bound, it was about the risk of losing, the risk of failure which had my thoughts, opinions and words locked up inside of me. I would hide them with a smile. Little did others know how painful it really was to keep my mouth closed from speaking, holding in what I really thought about something, pretending to like it, pretending to be happy when I was in fact hurting, angry, sad etc.

As a 52 year old looking back on my young self always gives me clear answers as to how I managed to get into situations that were not good for me. It was always about fitting in, about not upsetting anyone and as mentioned before “going with the flow”. … Blending in, not being different, not having a voice, invisible, silent, careful, on edge, pretending, lonely and sad. In a way I was like a robot doing as others do or being as they wanted me to be. Holding onto the desperate need to please everyone I fought to stay on their good side. People liked me because I didn’t challenge them. I was easy to manipulate, control OR disregard.

The idea that people always have your back was smashed many times over in my life and even now I experience what people can be like. As we all do of course. We all have our experiences with people. Probably one of the most biggest challenges I have given myself since my life changed drastically in 2016 was to never stop being myself. It was about choosing not to be a people pleaser, not allowing myself opportunities to fall into any traps for others to control my life. As I have been there and done that. I paid the ultimate price back in 2016 when I walked away leaving 4 adult children behind. To this day I still cant quite comprehend how I did that, as my children have always been the love of my life. I can only say that it was desperation to save myself that kept me strong. The pain and heartache I went through during that period I wouldn’t even be able to describe unless you are someone that has gone through the same experience. The one thing that has kept me sane is the knowledge that had I not left I would probably not even be half of who I am today. I would have gone to the next level of serious mental health crisis.

Having been through the ultimate sacrifice as a mother I am unable to tolerate certain behaviours from others where once upon a time I would have just smiled and pretended I was ok with it. In my life now I don’t allow others to dictate who I should be. I won’t let anyone no matter who they are, to think they can treat me whichever way they like and think is OK.

Its not OK….

The older me is learning to say NO. I am learning to have boundaries I should have had years ago. I am also learning that as I have been setting boundaries there are people that don’t like me. I am facing the exact situation that I was trying to avoid as a young person. I can no longer please and impress people. I believe that if any person genuinely wants you in their life they will not push you away. If they truly like you then they won’t treat you poorly. I am learning to be OK with people not liking me.

When others don’t like me I remind myself of all the amazing people in my world that do like me and even love me. Having had healthy people in my life over the recent years as given me the opportunity to safely discover who I really am. The people that love me allow me to use my words, to speak my thoughts and share my opinions. They don’t get angry with me for opening up. They want to know how I am and what I think. They don’t treat me terribly. It’s a wonderful feeling to have safe people in my life. I hold onto the people in my life that have shown me they are there for the long haul. I thank them for allowing me to grow into who I am today 🙂

Posted in Grief, Strength and resilience

The day I have always dreaded.

Nearly a week ago sadly my mum passed away from a disease that tried to take her earlier in the year. She was so strong and determined getting through 7 rounds of chemotherapy and other treatments. In July this year she had the all clear and all of our family celebrated the words we wished to hear.

Cancer Free!

Sadly it came back about 4 weeks ago, with only a few short months of freedom and recovery, mum landed back in hospital. She received the worse news possible from the Doctors advising her that there was no treatment available. This year has been a big one to say the least! My mum powered through every challenge and I got to see her fight like “wonder woman”. She gave it her all, she showed me what bravery and courage looks like in real life. She shook off her shyness and became a wonderfully confident person. At her worst she shone through with gratefulness for every day that she was given.

As a family we have grieved all year, grieved for the health that mum had lost, the battles she had to fight. We walked with her every step of the way and ensured she was never alone. My mum showed me how to stand strong and brave in the midst of undeniable odds. I had sat with her and held her hand as I was preparing for her to leave this earth to eternity. With every stroke of her beautiful hand I thought about what life would be like without her and here I am with a gap in my heart as she is no longer on earth. It’s hard to know what to feel, its deep, its real and its an inner sense of knowing something is very missing in my life.

My mum will continue to be my inspiration. I will always think of her when I am afraid, when life throws its challenges my way. It’s in moments like this that nothing else matters, all the small worries in life seem so insignificant. Wednesday the 1st of December we say fare well to our beautiful mother. Life is crazy sometimes. It doesn’t always make sense to us. We hurt, we heal, we love and we lose love. Our memories are always with us and that is where my mum will have a special place, in the memories of my heart always and forever.

Thank You Mum for your amazing strength, you are going to be missed so much. Until we meet again I love You always. Xxx

Posted in courage, Inspiration, Strength and resilience, Uncategorized

My mum an inspiration

Life for myself and family turned into a whirlwind on the 31st December 2020 when my mum was diagnosed with aggressive non-hodgkin’s lymphoma. The prognosis without treatment was not a happy ending! We were all in shock and my mum was taken by surprise without a moments notice as it came on suddenly, without warning sending her to hospital when on that day she was planning to go on a summer camping trip with my dad. The camping trip was diverted and that was a god send. It’s as though from the very start my mum was protected, guided and strengthened with every step for what was going to be the biggest fight of her life for the next 7 months.

Numb, shocked and saddened are some of the words that provide a tiny glimpse of how we all felt. Broken, lost, helpless, scared and grief stricken. None of us could have possibly imagined what we were going to witness with our own eyes. The moments of deep sorrow, painfilled concerns, questions, the whys and the how’s we all pulled together to support her like her life depended on it, and it did!!!!

My mum started intensive chemotherapy as a 73 year old for the first time in her life! Our family was not one to have experienced such a journey, watching and supporting someone so ever close to us being poked and prodded, treated with medication that was both poison and a trigger for her body to start the big fight! We were all standing strong with her, when alone we were weak and scared. All of our vulnerabilities were touched from one moment to the next.

As soon as the battle started her new name was “”Wonder Woman””, she was and still is absolutely amazing! I have no doubt that in her quiet moments when she was alone her thoughts would have taken her to desperate places. Mum was extremely determined after the initial shock and overwhelming sadness to begin the fight. I couldn’t believe how strong she was, not even giving into any type of negativity, not reading anyone’s “sorry messages” on her phone. THE only people she wanted around her were her 4 daughter’s and my dad.

There were different types of chemotherapy used, some treatments she went home with and others that could only be given in hospital over several days. The specialist’s and nurses were all outstanding, they were the ones on the forefront focused and strong to make sure they gave her every chance to continue living life. Each of us daughters and dad were standing strong and united, strategizing to ensure mum was never alone in the hospital.

There were some scares amidst the treatment when we were told the cancer had spread to her spinal fluid. However as quick as that came to light is as quick as it was gone after specific treatment was designed to eradicate it. The treatment was effective and it provided a sigh of relief to continue the focus on the rest of her body that was being attacked. Mum kept with the treatment like a trooper! After the last chemotherapy which was by far the most hard hitting on her body she had a week at home and then all of a sudden her body started showing signs of something being very wrong. After a lot of investigation it was found that her pik line was infected, they removed the pic line and then started a whole new regime of treatments to eliminate infection from her body, her body that had been through so much already. Once again we were all fighting strong with her, quietly by ourselves scared, hoping for the war to be won.

Happy to say that we all left the hospital together with her when she was better, ready to go home and start recovery. She had six weeks of recovery before the dreaded day being a Pet Scan that would tell the specialist what the outcome would be.

THE CANCER WAS ALL GONE!

No lymphoma anywhere to be found!!!!!!!

While my mum is still recovering, we are celebrating a massive win to what was the biggest fight of all of our lives. My mum is my inspiration, whenever I am dealing with something anxiety provoking, scary or unknown, I think of my mum and say to myself, “”if mum could go through that big war, I can do anything””!!!!

Love you Mum with all my heart and I am so happy you are still with us 🙂 Xxxxxxx

Posted in Emotional/psychological abuse, Healthy verses unhealthy, relationships, Strength and resilience

life in reverse

The first half of my life looks completely different to the second half and so it should. It would be a concern if it all stayed the same. Frozen, stuck and stagnant would describe a life that has not moved forward. The first half of my life up until the age of 46 years old felt cold and frozen. Perhaps I had a frozen state of living, living in worry, confusion, sadness, loneliness, desperation, emptiness, disconnected from my original design. I don’t believe for a second that I was supposed to live that way. Yes I made my choices and I have no one to blame but myself for that part.

As a young person I was living in the moment, expecting that my decisions were the right ones. I truly believed it was all going to be good. That once married, with kids, each day would unfold into a bright and beautiful future. I expected that going to church living life for God was also a guarantee to a good life. Most of what I thought was good wasn’t really that good. Underneath the surface of my life was chaos. Man made chaos. It wasn’t at all what I was led to believe. The devil was blamed for most of it. The devil got all the credit for the man made chaos. It was the same old story week in and week out, that if your life was not going well you were under attack! “YOU must be doing something right for GOD if you are being attacked by the DEVIL”, he doesn’t attack Christians that are sleeping only the ones that are awake! This is what I was told, this is what I heard in Church.

SERIOUSLY……

All the man made decisions that left our household finances in shambles were blamed on the devil.

I truly regret that I walked into a church at the age of 17.

That’s the day I stopped thinking for myself and got lost in a life of manipulation and control.

The message was about sacrificing yourself for God.

Giving up on your own desires and surrendering.

I surrendered alright.

That was foolish and dangerous, it shut me off from being able to think for myself. It was sinful to think for yourself. Every decision and thought needed to be in line with the bible. This meant that being married I was not to walk away, I was to submit to my husband, pray and believe by faith that God was going to change him. DANGEROUS!

I was led to believe that the more you surrendered your life the closer you would be to God. In my case surrender meant no money, no friends, no family, a lonely marriage relationship, emotional abuse, control, manipulation and fear.

REVERSE all of that and now in the second half of my life at nearly 51 years old I don’t go to church, I have a loving Fiancé, a man that makes great decisions with finances, closer relationships with family and friends. Safety, security, peace and love. I don’t feel guilty for making my own decisions. I have never felt so content. I am in a free environment where I can choose without judgement. I understand now what it is to be respected, valued and loved.

My fiancé checks up on me regularly to ensure that I am all good. He values me so much that he never wants to see me hurt, in pain or sad for that matter. He would never treat me badly. OUR relationship is healthy, wholesome and natural. There is no striving, stress or malice. We have been together for nearly 4 years in December and don’t fight. Instead of fighting we communicate. We both listen to each other and have no intention of putting the other down. We are both on the same page, we share the same values and only want the absolute best for each other.

I truly feel like this second half of my life is filled with good things, it almost feels like I am now rewarded for all the years of heartache and pain. I still have to pinch myself every now and then as its simply amazing to live a life that is so beautiful. It’s all that I could ever ask for and more. I will never take my new life for granted! Every moment and every event on this journey is better then gold.

Thank you Life for giving me a second chance. Xx

Posted in Strength and resilience

My mum

This December 31st 2020 for our family was not a great day to bring in the New Year. I didn’t have even the slightest urge to say Happy New Year to a single soul. My Mum was diagnosed with non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. No words can describe how myself, three sisters and Dad including Mum could comprehend what was going on. It all happened so quickly, just like that!!!

This past two weeks have been a roller coaster ride to say the least of raw emotions, fears and tears. As a family we decided it was time to stand strong and to fight with her. She should not fight this fight by herself.

She started an intense round of Chemo this week which presents with it another journey. My youngest sister decided she would jump in with mum and shave her hair for the “Worlds Greatest Shave”. This will take place around the 23rd January.

I have put a link below for my blog readers who may have some spare change to support this crucial cause. It provides families with loved ones that are fighting blood cancer various and relevant supports they need to get through to the other side of what is A FIGHT!

Any amount is appreciated, it will all go to the organisation.

All the details you will see on the link below:

Thankyou for your support.