In my very early teens I remember feeling so convinced and distraught that no boy would ever like me. That thought was only natural considering the depth of how much I didn’t like myself. When I was about 15 years old I was stunned and shocked yet excited that an actual male was interested in me. This led me into my first boyfriend experience. As nice as my first boyfriend was somehow I was always dissatisfied. It was as though I didn’t know how to be content. So when we broke up I went straight into a short fling with a guy that was quite broken. In my heart I knew it was going nowhere very quickly but I kept trying to convince myself that this guy loved me. My heart knew that I was only being used yet my empty craving for affection kept me hanging on. Nothing good came of this short fling and even more brokenness accumulated in my heart. Then the cycle just kept going like a merry go round. There was always someone else around the corner that I had hoped would be the one that would take away my desperate need for love and affection.
The emptiness that I felt inside kept me hunting for someone to fill. It usually always led me to the wrong people. While I knew in my heart that something was not right my head kept telling me that the next boy would be better and more fulfilling then the last. Even as I type these thoughts down it reminds me of how broken I was and the feeling of being lonely was unthinkable. Dare I have gone a week without some guy in my life? Emptiness can be so consuming and can make us hunt for things that are not good for us. We can get so desperate for that empty feeling to disappear that we almost sell ourselves in order to escape. While we think we are escaping we are in fact getting into more trouble and pain.
Many of you reading this blog may or may not have ever had a spiritual experience? When I was about 17 years of age I had a heavenly intervention! So far in my blogs I have discussed some of my battles with low self esteem yet the day that heaven intervened was the day that everything in my life started to turn around for the better! My personal belief is that we are body, soul and spirit. My spirit needed healing as much as every other part of my life. The day that heaven intervened I found out that there was truly a God who not only made me but loved me unconditionally. My journey to freedom started from that point on and has involved many steps and processes along the way. My life has been filled with some very difficult challenges yet it has shaped me for who I am today.
If someone were to sit down and tell me that they felt empty, unsatisfied and lonely I would say to them, “I understand completely”. Loneliness can happen to anyone perhaps even more today with the lack of genuine interaction with others. Don’t hunt for the wrong things or the wrong people to fill in the emptiness as it will leave you even emptier every single time. Find true people that you can share your story too and empty out those closets of pain and hurt that have collected in your heart for far too long. We so easily forget that just as quickly as a house gets cluttered up with useless items so does our heart! Be encouraged today that while your life may not be everything you dreamed it to be right now it has the potential to turn around….mine did!!!
2 replies on “Afraid to be lonely….”
And that’s why I’m proud to have you as a mum 🙂 You continually amaze me, you have even prettied up your blog and it looks so wonderful. Keep sharing your story xxx
And please read everyone! 🙂
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My faithful Fan 🙂 Thank you Kathryn!