Posted in Acceptance, courage, Freedom, Healing Process, Inspiration, parenting, relationships, Strength and resilience

Not on my watch ….

An area of weakness within my DNA and core of who I am is the tendency to believe that all people are good and they have your back. Time and time again I have found that not to be the case. We meet people along the path of life whether they be work colleagues, family or friends that can turn on you without warning. Way back in my younger days I was always worried about being liked. It held too much of a focus. I don’t think I was really aware at that age of how hard it can be to please and impress everyone. The need to keep everyone happy OR to be liked had me under a lot of pressure. It had me being someone I wasn’t at different times. I would have to go with the flow, speak as others speak, do as they say OR else be judged, be left behind, be hated OR ignored. I couldn’t stand the idea of others not liking me when I was young.

When you are young and trying to impress others or trying to keep the peace you hold back on who you really are. Others don’t get to know you as YOU. As my young self it felt like such a RISK to be me. FEAR kept me bound, it was about the risk of losing, the risk of failure which had my thoughts, opinions and words locked up inside of me. I would hide them with a smile. Little did others know how painful it really was to keep my mouth closed from speaking, holding in what I really thought about something, pretending to like it, pretending to be happy when I was in fact hurting, angry, sad etc.

As a 52 year old looking back on my young self always gives me clear answers as to how I managed to get into situations that were not good for me. It was always about fitting in, about not upsetting anyone and as mentioned before “going with the flow”. … Blending in, not being different, not having a voice, invisible, silent, careful, on edge, pretending, lonely and sad. In a way I was like a robot doing as others do or being as they wanted me to be. Holding onto the desperate need to please everyone I fought to stay on their good side. People liked me because I didn’t challenge them. I was easy to manipulate, control OR disregard.

The idea that people always have your back was smashed many times over in my life and even now I experience what people can be like. As we all do of course. We all have our experiences with people. Probably one of the most biggest challenges I have given myself since my life changed drastically in 2016 was to never stop being myself. It was about choosing not to be a people pleaser, not allowing myself opportunities to fall into any traps for others to control my life. As I have been there and done that. I paid the ultimate price back in 2016 when I walked away leaving 4 adult children behind. To this day I still cant quite comprehend how I did that, as my children have always been the love of my life. I can only say that it was desperation to save myself that kept me strong. The pain and heartache I went through during that period I wouldn’t even be able to describe unless you are someone that has gone through the same experience. The one thing that has kept me sane is the knowledge that had I not left I would probably not even be half of who I am today. I would have gone to the next level of serious mental health crisis.

Having been through the ultimate sacrifice as a mother I am unable to tolerate certain behaviours from others where once upon a time I would have just smiled and pretended I was ok with it. In my life now I don’t allow others to dictate who I should be. I won’t let anyone no matter who they are, to think they can treat me whichever way they like and think is OK.

Its not OK….

The older me is learning to say NO. I am learning to have boundaries I should have had years ago. I am also learning that as I have been setting boundaries there are people that don’t like me. I am facing the exact situation that I was trying to avoid as a young person. I can no longer please and impress people. I believe that if any person genuinely wants you in their life they will not push you away. If they truly like you then they won’t treat you poorly. I am learning to be OK with people not liking me.

When others don’t like me I remind myself of all the amazing people in my world that do like me and even love me. Having had healthy people in my life over the recent years as given me the opportunity to safely discover who I really am. The people that love me allow me to use my words, to speak my thoughts and share my opinions. They don’t get angry with me for opening up. They want to know how I am and what I think. They don’t treat me terribly. It’s a wonderful feeling to have safe people in my life. I hold onto the people in my life that have shown me they are there for the long haul. I thank them for allowing me to grow into who I am today 🙂

Posted in Emotional/psychological abuse, Healthy verses unhealthy, relationships, Strength and resilience

life in reverse

The first half of my life looks completely different to the second half and so it should. It would be a concern if it all stayed the same. Frozen, stuck and stagnant would describe a life that has not moved forward. The first half of my life up until the age of 46 years old felt cold and frozen. Perhaps I had a frozen state of living, living in worry, confusion, sadness, loneliness, desperation, emptiness, disconnected from my original design. I don’t believe for a second that I was supposed to live that way. Yes I made my choices and I have no one to blame but myself for that part.

As a young person I was living in the moment, expecting that my decisions were the right ones. I truly believed it was all going to be good. That once married, with kids, each day would unfold into a bright and beautiful future. I expected that going to church living life for God was also a guarantee to a good life. Most of what I thought was good wasn’t really that good. Underneath the surface of my life was chaos. Man made chaos. It wasn’t at all what I was led to believe. The devil was blamed for most of it. The devil got all the credit for the man made chaos. It was the same old story week in and week out, that if your life was not going well you were under attack! “YOU must be doing something right for GOD if you are being attacked by the DEVIL”, he doesn’t attack Christians that are sleeping only the ones that are awake! This is what I was told, this is what I heard in Church.

SERIOUSLY……

All the man made decisions that left our household finances in shambles were blamed on the devil.

I truly regret that I walked into a church at the age of 17.

That’s the day I stopped thinking for myself and got lost in a life of manipulation and control.

The message was about sacrificing yourself for God.

Giving up on your own desires and surrendering.

I surrendered alright.

That was foolish and dangerous, it shut me off from being able to think for myself. It was sinful to think for yourself. Every decision and thought needed to be in line with the bible. This meant that being married I was not to walk away, I was to submit to my husband, pray and believe by faith that God was going to change him. DANGEROUS!

I was led to believe that the more you surrendered your life the closer you would be to God. In my case surrender meant no money, no friends, no family, a lonely marriage relationship, emotional abuse, control, manipulation and fear.

REVERSE all of that and now in the second half of my life at nearly 51 years old I don’t go to church, I have a loving Fiancé, a man that makes great decisions with finances, closer relationships with family and friends. Safety, security, peace and love. I don’t feel guilty for making my own decisions. I have never felt so content. I am in a free environment where I can choose without judgement. I understand now what it is to be respected, valued and loved.

My fiancé checks up on me regularly to ensure that I am all good. He values me so much that he never wants to see me hurt, in pain or sad for that matter. He would never treat me badly. OUR relationship is healthy, wholesome and natural. There is no striving, stress or malice. We have been together for nearly 4 years in December and don’t fight. Instead of fighting we communicate. We both listen to each other and have no intention of putting the other down. We are both on the same page, we share the same values and only want the absolute best for each other.

I truly feel like this second half of my life is filled with good things, it almost feels like I am now rewarded for all the years of heartache and pain. I still have to pinch myself every now and then as its simply amazing to live a life that is so beautiful. It’s all that I could ever ask for and more. I will never take my new life for granted! Every moment and every event on this journey is better then gold.

Thank you Life for giving me a second chance. Xx

Posted in Acceptance, courage, Emotional/psychological abuse, Healing Process, Inspiration, relationships, Strength and resilience

standing strong

To finally have the courage to break free from an emotionally abusive relationship is by far one of the most difficult steps one will ever take. It doesn’t stop there though. It requires a lot of work on your part to de-tangle all the tightly knit lies and twisted thinking that the other person carefully planted into your thoughts. Remembering that the longer you were in the relationship the more there is to de-tangle.

It is a lot to deal with and work through when on one hand you marry a person thinking they truly love you to then go through year after year of mixed messages from them that make you feel broken. They break you one bit at a time. YOU are put into situations that hurt. A person that is feeling hurt will at some point unravel and start falling apart.

As emotional abuse is so silent and undetected others watching on at times only see your reactions of hurt and may start to think that you are your own enemy. That perhaps you are reacting with hurt due to your own brokenness. The person doing the real damage behind the scenes likes to make it look like it was you all along. They not only convince you for years that your natural responses to pain are your own doing or your own unhealed parts not their actions. They also like to convince other people that you are broken, that they are not the cause of your reactions. Its so deceptive and silent.

Imagine for a moment that someone came along and hit you! Maybe they walked up to you and punched you in the face, your natural reaction to that pain would be justified. Others looking on would not question your hurt, they would say it was justified, they saw you get punched. Its out in the open, its obvious as day light. Emotional abuse is hidden in the dark, its only obvious to the person experiencing it. So you are then faced with other challenges after leaving the relationship.

There maybe people in your life that have been swept up in the idea that you are the problem. That you were not abused. That maybe you are the abuser!

This is where standing strong comes into the scene.

THE people in your life that don’t give you the opportunity to be understood will always misunderstand you.

They have a perception about you that has been weaved into their minds by a person and should they refuse you the opportunity to be understood for what you have experienced and gone through then that relationship will not move forward.

Yes that is another side effect of leaving an abusive relationship that you cannot control. It requires strength and daily reminders to yourself of what you have lived through and how your life is so much better now.

I personally have worked through so much in the past 4 plus years and am so grateful to have another chance at life to live peacefully. I write about my experiences to allow others who may be going through that type of abuse to give them strength and hope.

Its an avenue for me to communicate and share that what could help someone else.

Always stand strong in who you are and never let anyone destroy you. Hold onto the people in your life that love you no matter what, the ones that support you through thick and thin. I am so grateful for my fiancé and my family who love me unconditionally and understand my journey. I never have to justify myself to them and they see me as I am.

STAND STRONG ALWAYS!!!!!

Stop kidding yourself!

Relationships can be fulfilling, helping us to grow and develop into loving human beings. We learn to share and consider the feelings of others. We compromise as it’s not always about getting our own way. MOST of ALL it’s about a LOVE shared between two people from two very different backgrounds and upbringings. We first meet with the hope “this is the one”, the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with. We dive in deep putting 100% into the relationship with the knowledge there will be times it might get tough and that’s when you don’t quit. You keep going making sacrifices, apologising, you tell the truth, you read up on books about marriage written by professionals. Professionals who know what they are talking about, you enquire from others about what they did when their relationships experienced cracks and with the newfound knowledge you take this and make it your own. Inspired to ignite the flame within your relationship when it becomes cold and empty.

This all sounds very legit and sensible? This is how it should be and that is what I believed and stood by for decades. Trouble was it didn’t work for me long term, it may have provided some escape and breathing space yet truthfully it was a false sense of hope. I truly was kidding myself. I was in denial and could not accept the facts. Facts don’t lie they show the truth by actions. We are all good at saying what someone wants to hear but words are only words if not accompanied by actions that match.

Let me break it down for you into simple facts to demonstrate how we can kid ourselves into believing we are in a true loving and healthy relationship.

In the first row I’ve noted down a false belief and in the next row a truth bomb! Make up your own mind and seriously think about what sort of relationship you could be nurturing. Believe me no amount of nurturing will create something healthy out of abuse, manipulation and mental instability. Everything I ever read about OR enquired about only works with two people who are healthy in the first place. When one person is so broken that the behaviour is abusive whether it be emotional, verbal or physical then none of the above will work.  I could have kept going for decades and yet it would have continued to get so bad that who knows where I may have ended up?

Thank God HE my ex told me to leave,  I took that door of freedom and did just that, which gives me a clear balanced view of what I was living with and how different it looks now in a healthy relationship. I have something to compare.

False Belief #                                                                                                                    

# BE the first to apologise        

Truth Bomb#                                                   

# Constant apologies enable bad behaviour

False Belief#

# Apologise to have a healthy relationship   

Truth Bomb#              

# Mistreatment will continue

False Belief#

# Be open and honest 

Truth Bomb#                                                                

# They will lie to you regardless

False Belief#

# Ignore their disrespect no one is perfect      

Truth Bomb#                     

# They disrespect everyone consistently

False Belief#

# Good communication will sort it out      

Truth Bomb#

# Your best efforts will get twisted around

False Belief#

# Understand they are broken    

Truth Bomb#                                            

# Understanding won’t fix them

False Belief#

# They will change if I don’t say anything      

Truth Bomb#                       

# You will upset them anyway

False Belief#

# I will say it nicely    

Truth Bomb#                                                                   

# They won’t hear you; you are the bad one

False Belief#

# Be a team and plan together        

Truth Bomb#                                        

# Plans agreed on will always be broken

False Belief#

# Support them always 

Truth Bomb#                                                              

# Be prepared to live in contradiction

False Belief#

# Create respect  

Truth Bomb#                                                                            

# Doesn’t mean they will respect people

False Belief#

# Take responsibility for your actions    

Truth Bomb#                                   

# Perfect they will always say it was you!

False Belief#

# Communicate after disagreements   

Truth Bomb#                                    

# You will always be blamed ALWAYS

False Belief#

# Give people chances        

Truth Bomb#                                                          

# How many are you prepared for? Endless?

False Belief#

# Stick up for your partner   

Truth Bomb#                                                    

# Watch them hurt family, kids and friends

False Belief#

# Ask for their advice and support                  

Truth Bomb#                          

# Be careful you might be manipulated

While this list is not extensive it provides an idea of how we can fool ourselves into believing that by doing all the right things we will have a healthy and loving relationship. Generally, this would be correct if it were a healthy relationship.

People who are in healthy relationships may not make much sense of this list, but I guarantee if you are one of those people with an abusive partner or in a toxic relationship then this will make complete sense. You will relate somewhat to what I have described. Their maybe some variances and you more likely could add your own ones to this list.

The overall message is that in an unhealthy/toxic/abusive relationship your best efforts at doing your part will not change the other person. Unless they choose to make a consistent and genuine effort taking responsibility for their part then you will be living in a false sense of hope.

I’m so passionate about sharing my story as I was once this person who was kidding themselves into believing their marriage was going to get better, that my partner was going to change and respect me and the people in my world. That they would turn into that person I could truly look up to and stand beside without feeling shame or regret.

The reality for me was this did not happen!

Please note I am not saying people can’t change and get better.

The fact is some people don’t want too!

Now that I am experiencing for the first time what it is like in a healthy relationship, I can honestly say they are two completely different worlds. Communicating is not difficult, there is complete respect, trust, admiration, no manipulation, no abuse, its BEAUTIFUL to experience the true nature of a healthy wholesome relationship. This relationship has all the ingredients for long lasting happiness, peace, love and safety.

Safety is important.

I didn’t experience physical abuse however I did experience emotional abuse, and this can have long lasting effects mentally and physically. Mental abuse is said to effect people more as it’s a hidden abuse. Only the person themselves truly know how it feels as there are no physical bruises on the outside to prove it.

PLEASE STOP KIDDING YOURSELF!

A letter from mum

To My Dear Children,

I’m writing a letter to express my thoughts and feelings regarding all the pain each of us have felt at different stages since the night I left your father.

Several hearts broke as I left a 27-year marriage nearly 4 years this July with your youngest sibling. Please understand it HURT LIKE HELL to leave my adult children behind.

 I was in a self-protective state.

The departure was abrupt and happened without warning no one could have expected it would take place like it did. I would never have imagined that I would be packing suitcases in a hurry while keeping your youngest brother calm as he packed his belongings. Your Dad told me to move out and I had nothing left in me to fight back. I just remember calmly grabbing everything I could think of as he followed me around everywhere like a security guard silently watching and staring. It was dark outside, and your youngest brother was still in his school clothes with unfinished dinner on his plate. I didn’t have a plan I just knew this was it, this was the night that changed EVERYTHING.

The night before I can only describe myself as on high alert sitting on the verge of a mental breakdown. I remember lying on my bed in a foetal position thinking “SHIT this is bad I think I’ve finally reached my pain threshold in this marriage”.   I was crying so deep and hard that it felt as though my body was going to break into pieces. It was like the final breaking point of years’ worth of being mis-treated.

As you would remember our relationship was always on the verge of arguing and fighting. For years I tried to make it work. Whenever I reached out to people at church, they always told me “just keep praying”, “be the wife you should be and God will change him”, “forgive him”, “love him” ….

The loneliness was constant as a young mum of 4 young children.  His routine had him out the door extremely early in the morning and back at home quite late most nights. He never helped around the house when I needed it the most, not through any of my pregnancies or at any time.  I battled with exhaustion and limited resources (money) regularly. I had 4 children under the age of 4 at one stage and as you can imagine that was intense, however I loved being a mum and I adored and loved you all with all my heart and I still do. That will never change.

As the four of you were growing up, I did my best to take care of you, your father made many decisions on his own which impacted us and other people financially.

Those decisions resulted in debt collectors knocking on the door and calling the phone. He left me to deal with all the angry aggressive people on my own while I was a young mum busy taking care of 4 children, my advice he didn’t accept, my worries he didn’t think about, there was never any planning, it always happened on the whim with the bank account being full one minute and empty the next.

Countless times I found myself wondering what I was going to make for dinner when there were no resources. I had to be creative. Often in desperation I had to ask my parents for money to buy food OR petrol and on occasions rent money because we were on the verge of being kicked out.

I always found it so hard to understand that even with all the hours he was away from home “working” money problems continued.

What baffled me often was his willingness to give people large cheques (when cheques were a thing) of anywhere up to $1000 OR MORE when our bank account was nearly empty, and debts were piling up in the special manila folder I put them in. It was thick with notices and it had grown over our first few years of marriage.

His reasoning behind the extravagant giving was always the same. He explained to me that while the money went to people it was in fact going to God. He told me that if he gives to God he would always be looked after.  He would say “my heavenly father will look after me”.

Followed with “don’t you trust him?”.

When I would talk to him about budgeting and paying the debts there were occasions it sort of got set up but then it never lasted long.  He often said, “I can make money as quick as I can spend it”, “don’t you believe that your heavenly father will look after you”. I would tell him BUT God gave us brains to plan. I put my case forward and came out with examples like: if I don’t put meat in the fridge it will go off, God won’t look after the meat sitting on the kitchen bench for days on end it will just naturally turn rotten as I am not looking after it.

When there is unpaid debts and unpaid bills there is no moving forward it just gets worse over time and that manila folder was growing regularly. It wasn’t even what you call “good debt”.

Dad created a lot of enemies back then due to the debts and I was just trying to be a good mum and a good wife during INCREDIBLE STRESS. I was stressed to the max for so much of those years you were growing up.

It was when I was around 26 years old that all the stress up to that point even started affecting my body. I started having “panic attacks”. I thought I was dying until I went to the doctor who explained what they were all about and how I would need to manage them.

Then I found that I had to deal with being a mum, wife, under heaps of stress and now managing panic attacks. Worse part was there was no support from him, more often then not only silence. Silence as he decided not to communicate with me and complete silence as he was barely ever at home.

We moved many times and life got lonelier. It was taking care of all the children that gave me a purpose. I was now finding myself in different states getting further away from my own family. As we moved away further, he would regularly talk about my family back in Canberra and make them out to be bad influencers, especially because they didn’t go to church. He would make me feel as though spending time with them would turn me into a sinner. Stress and loneliness started turning into bouts of depression. I would isolate myself often as I found it hard to be around people who had a normal life.  Things were always going wrong. He would use those opportunities to say, “it’s because we are Christians, so the devil is attacking”, OR “your depressed because of your childhood hurts that haven’t been healed yet”.

Hearing those things made me try harder and pray harder. (That’s also what you are taught in church to do, right?)

I found myself regularly in a wardrobe balling my eyes out as everything felt so dark all too often.

It was as though a thick black cloud followed our family around from state to state.

Usually when we argued I would be the one begging him to understand how I felt. I would give in and apologise to make things better, he rarely apologised. After a session like that I would walk away feeling as though nothing was truly resolved. It was just a temporary band aid to keep things going a little longer. For years I was made to feel and believe that all our arguments were my fault. That I was too sensitive.

Unfortunately, he could not understand how I felt under all that pressure and stress of dealing with life and dealing with the aftermath of his decision making and his mis treatment of me.

Throughout all those years I started to lose respect and trust.

I couldn’t stop that process it naturally started happening.

I yearned to know what it would be like to respect and trust a husband.

But it just never happened and that wasn’t my fault.

Of course, there were some happy times and I enjoyed those moments when it seemed life was suddenly OK. But the thing is life went from extreme LOWS to extreme HIGHS like a roller coaster.

In those HIGH moments I would convince myself that our relationship was getting better.  It was only temporary it never lasted long.

As the years continued, we moved to QLD and family was further away and loneliness was constant.

It was in QLD that I began to realise it wasn’t always my fault. I started to realise that he was always twisting my words and not really listening to me.

I would start to stand up for myself and say things like: “why are you speaking to me that way, it hurts and I can’t tolerate it anymore”, I would question him rather than believe everything he was saying to me. He always thought he had all the answers, but no one has all the answers. We all need to take some criticism in life. He wouldn’t accept my thoughts or views. He had a way of communicating which always left me feeling that he had a close relationship with God, and I didn’t. That God spoke to him and he knew everything. As though he was truly above us all and that we needed to listen to him.

The more I questioned him the worse things started getting.

I started finding my voice and realising that I mattered, that I shouldn’t be mis-treated, and I certainly didn’t deserve it.

We moved from one suburb to the next in QLD and our relationship progressively got worse. After we had settled in the second rental in QLD for some reason, he decided it was time to target his daughter and start mis-treating her. I watched him treat my daughter so badly each day. She came to me upset and hurt more times than I can count. As I watched him treat her badly it started reminding me of me, of how I felt when he treated me that way.

Whenever I would talk to him about his mistreatment of her it didn’t do anything.

Our relationship was never healthy and then each afternoon he suddenly started coming home looking at me suspiciously. I would feel this overwhelming sense of anxiety. To the point where if I was in bed and he came home my heart would start beating very fast and I would just get nervous and worried/anxious.

Then it was the move to the third house in QLD where things got crazier.

I remember getting weird text messages from him as he was in Sydney for a few days while I was packing up the house getting things ready to move.

I remember one day I walked out the back where the creek was and just cried my heart out knowing deep down somehow that our marriage was over. That it had finally got to the breaking point.

Then we moved to the next house and of course things were tense between us.

I tried one night to talk with him as I always did, and he immediately started putting it all on me as he usually did.

That’s when I lost it emotionally and mentally and went into an uncontrollable cry which felt like a nervous breakdown.

I went upstairs to our new bedroom and just lay there on my bed crying so deep and so hard. I knew this was it I couldn’t continue life this way. It was hurting me too much and I was damaged and broken.

The next night I was upstairs laying on your youngest brothers’ bed as we had just both watched a movie; he was still in his school clothes and I heard your father come home.

I had been watching videos on my phone about emotional abuse. I had done so many times before desperately trying to educate myself on what the signs were and how it all plays out.

I was watching one on my phone when he turned up.

Obviously, he didn’t like it and then came over and tapped me hard on my forehead asking me to turn it off.

I stood up for myself and minutes later he approached me while your youngest brother was present stating he wanted me and my daughter to move out.

I asked why his daughter? he said because I know you both talk about me behind my back. (yes, we did talk about him behind his back when she was expressing her hurt to me of his mistreatment).

Your youngest brother started crying and saying, “are you and mum getting a divorce?”, he said YES and it’s because Dad is a bastard.

Suddenly realising that I had nothing left in me anymore to even try, let alone the mental capacity to handle the situation anymore I went into a bubble.

I calmly asked your youngest brother to pack some things into his bags and said everything was going to be alright.

I went into my room and started putting clothes into suitcases.

He stood and watched me everywhere I went like a security guard.

He followed me silently around the house as I took some of my things.

He asked for all the keys back.

I found all the keys I could think of and put them all in his hand and said “ now that I am leaving, just know I will never be coming back”, by that I meant back into the relationship. I had no idea what I was going to do from there I only had $400 dollars in my purse due to selling stuff on gum tree prior to moving.

I drove around for hours with your youngest brother trying to find cheap accommodation.

Cheapest was $149 for the night. I wasn’t going to sleep in the car.

The next morning after little sleep, he had already locked me out of the bank account.

He never once asked how your youngest brother was.

My family obviously worried said just come to Canberra and stay for a few weeks to figure it out.

I had no choice, so I drove to Canberra.

Then I tried coming back to be closer to you all and that was my intention.

Over the phone we discussed that I would come up to QLD while he was in Sydney for 4 days and this would give me the opportunity to stay at the house to try and find another rental.

He was going to put part of the bond from the other house into my bank so I could pay bond for a house in Brisbane.

It was all settled one morning over the phone, but then that didn’t last, that night I started receiving the weirdest text messages and then it turned into NO you can’t come here anymore I don’t feel right about it.

Your youngest brother was devastated and so was I.

I had to remain strong, I had to put a brave face on and ignore all my heart break in being separated from my adult children.

I stayed with my family until I finally got my own unit while on Centrelink payments. After rent I only had $150 to live each fortnight which was electricity, food and petrol.

In a matter of weeks after moving into my unit whilst dealing with a fractured foot, I also found out that your Dad had already found himself someone. That he had already taken this person to the house in Brisbane to meet you all.

Whack!!! another low blow.

But I kept strong for my youngest. He became my focus as I needed to make sure life was going to be OK for him.

Being a mum can be one of the hardest jobs in the whole world. Sometimes you feel judged for the decisions you must make. Then often I remind myself that had I stayed I would have been admitted into a mental health ward and what good would I have been then?

Usually only those that have been through similar experiences truly get what it is like to be in an unhealthy marriage. It is nearly 4 years since that night now and my life has moved forward drastically. People that see me on a regular basis can tell how I am a different person now. I am not the same as I was then. I even have a new laugh. I smile more often, I’m relaxed. Life is Good. I will stand up for myself much quicker and won’t put up with disrespect from anyone. I did my time. No more begging from me. No more justifying my decisions. I can go to bed and sleep at night knowing in my heart of hearts that I made the best decision of my life when I let go of being mis-treated.

I have worked very hard to get to where I am now financially and emotionally. I can say that I am PROUD of myself too! Proud in a healthy way. I got through some of the toughest moments in life. I won’t put myself in a situation to be mis-treated, now that I have worked out my value as a human being. Your father had a way of portraying me as a weak broken person. I am not that person anymore. I am wiser, stronger and have moved forward into a new life. My love for you all has never changed. You are all on your own paths with choices to make and I can only hope that you continue to make the best decisions possible for your future. I’m sorry that you have all been heart broken in different ways. I only hope your hearts will one day be completely whole again.

Always remember I love you each and every day Xxxx