Behind the Scenes.

Life today is actively focused on what we see outwardly, rarely do we see past the external. Social media has taught society that a happy profile equals a happy fulfilling life. Smiles on social media profiles are a little like the perception of advertising. Big bright sexy smiles on products lure consumers into the belief that they will be ever so happy and satisfied once they purchase THE product, whatever THE product may be at the time.
To put an advertisement together one would expect it to take quite some work. Hours of take one, take two, take three…… until finally the advertisement is perfected and suitable for viewers. Make up is re applied, hair is touched up and actors are directed by the director for each shot. We see the final product without seeing the days, weeks or months it took to put that advertisement together. Editing removes the imperfections, the mistakes, the bloopers that were not a part of the script.


In the real world we don’t get to edit our mistakes or regrets. That which has taken place in our lives cannot be wiped out. We eventually have less attachment to the past as it fades with time however we are impacted in some way or another forever. The past carries our between takes and behind the scenes sweat and tears. The people who are closet to us know our story and the further away a person is to our lives the less they truly see. They are usually the people who get to see the final product without the knowledge of what actually took place for years prior to a persons happy social media profile. From my own experience I can honestly say that I have uploaded profiles onto social media at times in which life sucked…only those closet to me knew what was really going on behind my carefree profile picture.
As my life has progressed along month by month following my marriage break up the smile on my face has not only stayed on longer but is real and genuine. I’m not having to hide a bunch of pain that used to be going on behind the scenes in my life. I had learnt how to pretend that everything was alright and on the inside I was dying a little more every day.
Pretending takes its toll.
I couldn’t pretend anymore. The mental and emotional parts of me lost the strength to be fake. It is as though they collided into each other ready to combust causing me to have what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown.
While we like to think we are strong enough to handle continuous painful situations there is a point in which our bodies say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Thankfully when I got to that point in which my body was screaming at me to do something I actually listened, finally I listened. That moment scared me! I had never quite experienced such overwhelming deep cries coming from within me, it was too powerful for me to control. It was these overwhelming deep cries that gave me the strength to pack my bags and walk out of the most unhealthy relationship. In times past I would have gone back for fear of life not working out believing that I didn’t have the ability to get anywhere by myself. Due to the nature of the unhealthy relationship there are occasionally moments I still have to battle with ridiculous thoughts such as; I wont ever be happy as I left my marriage and therefore I am doomed for failure, as though I am in the wrong that I didn’t stay and continue being treated far less than any human should ever be treated.
I was led to believe that as a god fearing person I should stay with my husband and submit. That if I only continue being the wife that this man needed he would eventually change and start treating me right.
That never happened….
When you are in the midst of an unhealthy relationship it is so damn difficult to get yourself out. As I look back over what my life was then to what it is now I am so thankful that I finally listened to myself and did something about it. I started all over again with nothing. I did have great family support and assistance however I still had to pick myself up and get past all of the brainwashing that had got me believing that I didn’t have what it took to make it. That unless I was still with my husband I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own. That my life would end up being more messed up without him.
Each of those lies have been exposed as what they are, just lies….
It is amazing what people will say to try and keep you stuck to them. It’s a little bit like false advertising. “Stay with me and life will eventually be incredible, leave me and your life will be in ruins”….

To that I say “I left and life is becoming incredible, had I stayed any longer I would have been ruined”…..



It’s not you, its them…

Probably one of the most difficult aspects of life is accepting that another person or human being can choose to make decisions that hurt you. That no matter how hard you may try to do things right or morally correct does not guarantee the same in return.
We often like to believe the best of people.
We assume that others carry with them the same values and duty of care that we hold onto and believe in.
Until the day when you realise it simply is not the truth nor the reality.
Your suddenly met with more let downs and disappointment.
It’s so unimaginable to accept that another human being just like yourself could be so against doing the right thing.
How do they live with themselves you wonder?
Is it possible that another human being can be so hard on the inside they have no feelings at all?
If only the world were filled with people who did the right thing!
The fact of the matter is the world isn’t like that. Our own world isn’t like that. There are people in our circles who only have one person on their mind and that is themselves.
Yes, people can be very selfish.
By nature, I am a softy. I don’t like being tough when I need to be. Which has worked against me over the years and kept me in an unhealthy marriage. Even my sensitive nature couldn’t stop me from coming to my limits. I finally came to that place in which I took the opportunity and walked out. It was one of the hardest moments I have ever come across in life. I had to save myself.
Over one year later here I am navigating another obstacle.
While I am no longer in a marriage I am still partially reliant on the decisions they make. Those decisions affect me financially. My job doesn’t pay a lot per hour and I am already working five days a week during school hours. Up until this week what has helped me is receiving payments for my 10-year-old from the government. It isn’t a lot however it adds to what I am earning and takes the edge off a little. Unfortunately, this week that payment has been stopped. No fault of mine. I’m now being penalised for another human being’s choices of which I have no control. Despite my best efforts at explaining what has happened to my ex no responsibility has been accepted by them. It not only affects me it affects their child.
My ex is living the high life with no responsibility of looking after or paying for children. They have the freedom of working as many hours as they so wish. Here I am having started with nothing over a year ago doing everything I can possible to make life work and now I am faced with more struggle.
All I have ever hoped for was just the bare minimum of assistance from them which I don’t dictate but the government does. My best efforts at communicating have not produced anything but excuses and silence.
It is so unbelievably difficult comprehending another person’s actions or lack thereof when it comes to these types of situations.
How does a father take no responsibility?
My previous blog I talked about having forgiven but not forgotten.
It is times like this you remind yourself why you left in the first place.
Nothing has changed.
They haven’t changed.
They are still the same person by actions.
A person can apologise to you a thousand times yet if they keep hurting you by their actions then it is time to look after yourself.
When I was in the marriage I thought I was doing the right thing accepting their apologies repeatedly. In normal situations that’s what people should do. However not all situations are normal. Not all people or relationships are normal or healthy for that matter.
I lived in denial for so many years.
Over a year later and having not been with them since, nothing has changed. If they didn’t care when married why would they care when you’re no longer with them.
Accepting these facts can be so hard.
One of my short falls is believing that other people carry the same values as me. That if I would do my best to do the right thing then they will too.
There comes a point in life when you must accept the facts! Or else you will continue living in a situation which is causing you damage more than you may realise.
Not everyone in life is going to do the right thing by you.
Don’t do what I did and keep going for 27 years hoping to change someone for the better.

You can’t change them.
When the facts are staring at you in the face, face them. Believe the facts they don’t lie. A person can sound like they are convincing with their apologies or their intentions yet when their actions are always opposite there comes a time in which you must save yourself.

It isn’t you, its them.



Simple Truth’s …

The signs I chose to ignore:

• Silent Treatment: Silent treatment is just as the definition describes. When someone you are in a relationship with becomes silent rather than discuss important issues turning cold and withdrawing leaving you feeling as though you are invisible and unimportant. At times walking past you as you sit there on the lounge at home ignoring your presence (that’s when you know things are quite bad). It is often talked about that men go into their man caves or there nothing box inside their head however when a man ignores you and gives you the silent treatment when you are hurting is hurting you! There is no excuse for a real man to ignore you when you’re hurting. Any real man that truly cares about you will care when you are hurting. Even when they don’t have all the answers they will support you emotionally.

• Not taking responsibility: When your partner makes decisions usually big ones (particularly financial) and it goes sour! They suddenly disappear leaving you with the after effects. Debt collectors knocking on the door and calling you on the phone. A real man takes responsibility and doesn’t leave their partner to deal with the after effects and vanish. Real men face their wrong doings and admit fault. Real men make amends. Life doesn’t always go to plan and sometimes things go wrong however when a partner ditches you with all the consequences and stress something isn’t right? When you confront them with their actions they get defensive and angry. You walk away feeling like a failure, feeling as though you are not strong enough to deal with life’s problems…. You begin to make excuses on their behalf. You begin to lie to the debt collectors and then you get used to doing so…. You start lying to yourself….

• Boasting: The topic of conversation is usually about how good they are at pulling off that deal. They can get so caught up in conversation about themselves that they don’t even realise what they are saying. It starts getting uncomfortable when your around other people and your partner begins to boast. It’s about them. About how great they are. Every sentence begins with them and ends with them. They talk themselves UP to such a point everyone listening on begins to feel uncomfortable. You hear what is said and recognise all the exaggerated facts. All the untruths. You stand there smiling while on the inside you feel embarrassed and mumble underneath your breath ‘that wasn’t what happened, his lying’. Why the lies?

• Embarrassing you: Around others they will say revealing things about you. Without warning conversations have you feeling embarrassed. Nothing is safe in their knowledge of you. They reveal personal information to others you thought was only between the two of you. You start to wonder what your friends are thinking…eventually you stop making friends, close ones. You may know a lot of people however it’s not safe to get too close as eventually it will only end up in embarrassment. Or worse they may say something to your friends and they don’t want much to do with you anymore. You begin to get isolated from friends and family. As you confront them about their behaviours they convince you that everyone else has the issues and not them. They can be so convincing that you may even start believing that your friends and family are unsafe to talk to. The idea of going anywhere with this person can be extremely stressful as you never know what they are going to do or say!!!! You have no assurance that they will look out for your best interest or the best interests of others. They just say whatever comes to mind. No prior thought, no consideration of other’s feelings. In life, there is always room for humour yet there is a big difference between genuine humour and hurtful remarks.

• Never apologising: We all make mistakes. Sometimes we say things in ways that come out wrong. We may be having a bad day and it doesn’t come out right. Most people know when they need to apologise. Especially in a relationship it’s not difficult to know when we have hurt the other person in our lives. What happens when it is always you that apologises? I would rather be someone that can apologise. A person who leaves you to do all the apologising is someone who struggles to see their part in the story. If a partner always leaves you feeling as though every problem that arises within the relationship is all your fault I would question how long that relationship will last? You can only go so long apologising before you begin to grow resentful. It is about having a partnership. A partnership involving only one side apologising is not balanced.

When in a relationship or partnership with someone and these issues are involved you begin to lose RESPECT and TRUST … You begin to lose yourself in the process and eventually the cracks will cause a complete break, it’s inevitable. … If it isn’t the relationship that breaks in the beginning its your personality and your own worth and value.

Wisdom in the Ordinary

If you were to grab a set of scales and measure how many ordinary days exist compared to the extraordinary what would you find? I have no doubt after spending over four decades on planet earth that the scales measuring the ordinary days would far outweigh some of the extraordinary times of our lives.

Life is jam-packed with ordinary moments. Grocery shopping is but one of them.  A lot of people I talk to express a certain dislike towards shopping, especially for the groceries.  We all have to do it, unless of course you have escaped it with the convenience of online shopping. Grocery shopping is one of the most ordinary weekly tasks we accomplish. Not too much thought is given for this vital and ordinary chore and until recently I hadn’t thought too much of it myself.

If you have been following my blogs in the recent months you would be aware of how much my life has changed. I live in a different state with my nine year old son as a single mum. All of my adult children live approximately 16 hour’s drive away. Given this huge adjustment everything about what my life previously was no longer exists. No longer can I simply hang out with my adult children. No longer can I pop over to my favourite shopping mall to do the groceries. No longer do I go to the same church. No longer do I go out for coffees with my daughter and have laughing fits enough to provide a serious abdomen workout.

A few days ago I saw a t.v. commercial which reminded me of the vegetable and fruit shop I used to go to. The ordinary suddenly held meaning!!!  All of a sudden I was transported to that particular shop in my thoughts and began picturing all the aisles filled with fruit and vegetables. I could picture the checkout that I would stand at to pay for my groceries. I remembered life as a complete family and re lived a moment as I carefully choose all the ingredients to cook a meal for dinner. My attachment to that fruit and vegetable shop is from a time when we were a complete family.

The fruit and vegetable shop is only one example of many ordinary moments that have recently invaded my thoughts. It isn’t easy to let go. Despite all of the hurt that I have been through in my marriage it amazes me how my mind can wander to everything that once was! It is difficult to let go of a family that once lived together sharing special moments. I loved being a mum to my children and I still do.

It seems that regardless of the hurt or pain of the recent past I often remember the ordinary. Little did I know that my usual grocery shopping would not only change location but would be downsized for feeding two? All of the ordinary moments hold extra meaning for me today. Perhaps remembering the previous ordinary moments helps me to adjust to the loss I have experienced providing a moment of connection to my adult children whom I miss a lot.

It seems that the ordinary days are just as important as the extra ordinary. In any given day the common thread connecting Monday to Sunday are people! People hold value, which is why it hurts so much when a relationship breaks down. I don’t think anyone intentionally sets out to ruin a relationship. Unfortunately life happens! People make choices. Those choices have consequences whether good or bad. It is the bad consequences which are very difficult to un~do.

The ordinary days provide opportunities to build trust and connection with the people in our lives. Often people forget or don’t realise there is consequences to what they do in the ordinary moments of a relationship. Consequences have a way of sticking around no matter how much you want them to disappear.

TRUST is a big one!

When a person’s trust has been broken too many times there is no magical super glue to put it back together. If I am in a relationship with someone who continually breaks my trust it won’t matter how desperately I try to trust them again, the consequence is broken trust. There will be reservation on my end. I will not open myself up to the other person completely. A relationship without trust is a disaster waiting to happen. It creates distance.

Relationships need trust, respect, honesty, support, love, care, appreciation, value and forgiveness. In the ordinary moments relationships are built on these qualities. Families fall apart when in the ordinary moments the essential values are neglected.

A healthy relationship or family need more than vegetables and fruit to thrive. Each person in the relationship must provide the qualities needed to keep it thriving. A relationship takes two people. Let’s face it we have more ordinary days than extra ordinary! What we do every day either builds or tears down. When one person in a relationship puts in and receives nothing but emptiness and hurt in return it is only a matter of time before a break up completes the struggle.

Wisdom tells us that since there are more ordinary days than extra ordinary we shouldn’t take them for granted. Ordinary days are the building blocks for the extra ordinary. What we do or say today will matter tomorrow. We need to take the time to consider what we want our tomorrow to look like?

Time is precious and we don’t get another practise run. People should be the focus of our ordinary days. Our relationships and families need to be on top of the list. While we can’t do anything about how others prioritise the most important people in their lives we can choose to do something about our own choices and priorities. Occasionally it can mean losing someone from your life. It’s never easy losing someone yet if there is anything positive that can come from it, is finding out what you do or don’t want in a relationship. In my young days I was broken and hasty! Now that I have lived life a little I’ve finally realised what it is that I do need. What I need is to live a life that doesn’t move away from trust, respect, honesty, support, love, care, appreciation, value and forgiveness.

When you finally figure out what you need then it’s time to hold onto those values tightly. Don’t let them go or be trampled on by anyone. There is nothing more painful than being in a relationship with someone who holds different values.

Choose wisely in the ordinary moments.