Some 15 months on into this new journey of mine I thought I would take some time out to write a short blog. While my life is on the up and up the new responsibilities I have keep me extra busy with work, study and life! There hasn’t been much time to write down my thoughts or experiences of late.
I’m not sure about you but I’ve often thought that perhaps by now my life would be all settled and sorted yet the truth is it isn’t. Yes, personally I am in a better place yet there are days in which I still find myself searching for answers. The search can take place in my mind. As I sit and go through the past 15 months with all the various experiences I question each stage and moment thinking about, what just happened? Is this real? Do I know where I am headed? Will my life fall into place that eventually I settle into this new space as comfortably as you do when you drop onto the lounge after a hard day at work and just relax?
My emotions go on the search at times seeking out comfort.
If you can imagine what sand looks like beneath the waves as it hits the shores my life resemblances that scene. Movement is happening regularly. Things are shifting and changing, still looking to settle into its rightful place. I’m no longer in the deep ocean feeling as though I am drowning it’s just a new location. It is a safer place but a changing space.
Work has been a constant change which has required a lot of growth on my part. From more hours to changes within the structure of how the company is doing things. I’m sort of surfing work now riding the waves and often dropping off the surf board trying to get back on.
You could say that I have also surfed a little in terms of new friendships figuring out which wave to catch and which one to continue surfing on.
AT the current moment it is all a ride which is constantly changing.
There have been times when I have given myself talks like a coach to a football team and told myself to sort it out already. That surely after 15 months I would be more knowledgeable of what is going on. That surely by now I would feel completely and truly settled into my new space.
The daily routine of life is settled and organised it is all the other stuff one deals with that is still shifting and changing.
Questions such as these can keep me occupied; so now that I am single what do I really want with my life? Will I settle into a new relationship with someone one day? How will I be able to do that with all the various concerns that can keep me at a distance?
After coming through a long-term marriage break up the last thing you want to do is be in a situation in which you are going to get hurt again.
You know why?
As kids we are told to stay away from touching the stove yet at some point we touch that hot stove and never do it again. After a long term relationship it feels a little bit the same you don’t want to really do it again.
When these questions overtake my mind, I must keep reminding myself that there is no need to rush into anything with anybody. I am still healing, and things are all over the place in terms of emotions and just a general sense of trust in another human being. Trust is being developed on a gradual process within new friendships.
There are times in which I can’t even fathom how a person can commit to someone after they have been so broken and hurt from a previous relationship. Perhaps it takes years to break free of that fear?
OR perhaps it depends on who that new person is? Are they someone who understands your fears and mistrust and are willing to work with you at rebuilding it all over again. Do they care for you enough to have the patience to deal with all the insecurities you have so that a healthy relationship can develop over time?
I do believe it is all possible it is just a matter of time and healing … We can be our own worst critic expecting more results than can be possible within our time frames. When I get too hard on myself I consciously stop and say out loud that everything is going to be alright. That things will fall into place in all areas. That one day I will have a healthy meaningful relationship with someone special who will treat me the way I have always wanted to be treated. A man I can adore and respect with all my heart and a man who loves me in such a way that all my broken pieces suddenly fit together.
When life has knocked you around and you are still finding your feet don’t be too hard on yourself it will take time and patience for all of the pieces in your life to fall into their rightful place.