I love writing blogs however reading a book is another story.
My commitment level to reading a book to the end is a personal struggle unless it has to do with my studies. The general routine has me pick up a book with every intent to read it. It begins with enthusiasm as I get through the first few chapters only to find that I lose momentum. Occasionally a book can capture my attention that I cant put it down and manage to complete it, OF which I can proudly say that I have read a book from start to finish.
There are endless books to read!
Every book has in common its structure yet the content varies depending on the author and the type of story.
Life can reflect the structure of a book. Our lives have various chapters in different seasons. Within each chapter of our life we experience a variety of life changing moments. Our lives are forever changing. No season remains the same.
The difference between life and books is we cant jump ahead to the ending. We must continue with our story with all the unknowns ahead.
There were times I felt as though I was stuck in the worst chapter of my life. Hurt filled my world repeating itself in cycles. It was UP or it was DOWN.
I recall moments of feeling extremely overwhelmed in hurt and confusion that all I was capable of doing was to huddle myself into a corner or under blankets in a bed crying. I couldn’t imagine a way out. It felt as though it was going to be forever!!!
Battling through a 27 year marriage which consisted of emotional, spiritual and mental abuse/trauma had me living in a dark fog.
I refer to the broken marriage often in my blogs as I am passionate about telling my story hoping that it may help someone one day. It took me years to figure it out. People in my world could see things were not right yet I continued to sweep it under the carpet. It was all too much for me to deal with let alone to confront head on.
To come out of an unhealthy relationship can take years when it involves abuse of any kind. There are stages you go through before you are able to be in a place of strength in order to leave. Self doubt, fear, anxiety, self blame, confusion, insecurity hold you prisoner to the person who is hurting you. They have you believing your the broken one! You spend so much time trying to fix yourself hoping that it will fix the relationship only to be disappointed over and over as you realise no amount of self help changes the situation.
Sorting myself out had its benefits. While I was constantly working on myself it gave me the strength and the understanding of my own value and worth. I grew up! I began standing up for myself!
No one has the right to treat you badly. There are no excuses. When someone is regularly hurting you, you have a god given right to say NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!
In this WAKE UP moment you are faced with a dilemma. You are now at a cross roads. You have voiced your boundaries and said to the one hurting you that you will no longer accept this treatment. When you get to this place things can go from ugly to worse. In my experience things got worse after that point. The stronger I became the worse it got. Once you are aware and have woken up to the fact that the relationship is toxic there is no turning back. You must keep moving forward no matter the cost.
You will pay the price regardless of your decisions. If you stay and continue being abused it will cost you personally in the areas of your emotions, health and overall well being. If you leave it may mean that you will have to start with nothing as I did. There will be times in which you have to confront all of your own self doubts, fears and anxieties.
There will be moments that you will second guess yourself. All your confidence as been eroded over time so now you have to start building your confidence step by step. You will need to start making your own decisions. You will question whether the decisions are the right ones.
As time passes and you begin to see that you are capable of making good decisions your confidence will grow. All the fears, doubts and anxieties which ruled your everyday previously will lose their hold on you. A person who controls your life has you wrapped up in a world that seems impossible to escape from. They have a way of convincing you that you cant do life without them. They are your only source of success. Everyone else is an imposter not to be trusted.
The story of my life began with low self esteem leading me into a very unhealthy marriage. As each chapter has unfolded I have seen the growth in myself and experienced true freedom.
It may have taken me decades to get this far and experience a new life however I look forward to all the chapters waiting to unfold. Each new day has bought about a new breath of fresh air. Having a new set of beliefs about my own value and worth I am able make an informed decision and choose only that which is healthy. I have learnt to let go of any situation which puts me in a position similar to my previous life.