Tag: relationships

Does it really matter

Who, what, where, when and how should we be spending our time?

What used to be my focus years ago has changed. In fact I have noticed through various stages of life the focus shifts. We go through events that change our thinking and our priorities.

An event that will always and forever bring sadness to my heart is my mothers passing. It will be 2 years this November 2023 that she transitioned into another dimension. When a big event such as someone’s passing takes place you change. It doesn’t matter what people say to you, or how time heals all wounds, you change. It is a given. Its automatic.

Your mindset changes, what was once a concern fades into the distance of heart break. I often think about mum and imagine what she would say to me in some of the difficult situations I have been going through. I imagine that if she were still alive she would not focus her precious time on people that are only out there to make sure their agenda is the priority. She would not waste her time on people that don’t listen to what you have to say. People that demand respect but don’t even consider your feelings or thoughts in any situation. They are the type of people that I no longer have time for.

I used to be someone that thought love and compassion is all you need to get through life. Sorry to state the facts; its not. YES I will always have love and compassion for people. BUT what happens when people who expect that from you treat you as though you are their toy. Pick you up when they are bored. Throw you aside when they have had enough. Put you in situations to play the part they want you to play even if you don’t like it?

This is where self respect comes into the picture and you have to decide what your willing to let slide. What are you willing to compromise to allow this person to be in your life? If what they expect from you doesn’t agree with you then don’t conform. Don’t be the puppet in their hands to be mishandled.

Think for a moment?

That person, would they allow you to treat them that way? Of course not!!!! They know how to hold their own and so should you. Why should you be the one to lower your standards only to become angry, hurt and unhappy.

It’s difficult to stand up to yourself as it means people will leave. They won’t like it. They will find others to puppeteer and control. The worst part is the people I am talking about are usually those closet to you, like family or friends. That is why it is hard to step up and say NO.

How long do you let that person disrespect you, push you down and humiliate you.

Does it really matter that the person is no longer in life? What purpose does it serve if they are not in it for the intended purpose, one of mutual respect, kindness, consideration and support. If they are unwilling to step up and acknowledge their part in the unhealthy relationship why allow them a place in your life.

Life is valuable and I know my mum would agree. She would tell me to hang on to the people that love you and respect you. The people who are willing to admit their mistakes and take accountability. She would say don’t waste a second thought on people who are heartless and calculated in their efforts to be in your life.

It is a sad reality we all have to face, letting people go and being willing to come to terms with the fact that you may never see them again.

The times I have battled with the idea of never seeing that person again I ask myself , OK if you want that person in your life are you willing to lower your standard and be continually disrespected?

My answer to that is a big NO.

From Crumbs to a Buffet

In these challenging times when daily living costs have stretched many household budgets it gets me thinking about lack/need and the opposite of having more then enough.

H o w many times I had to wave a magic wand to feed my children back when my life was up and down. There wasn’t much stability or consistency in my previous relationship or in the finance department.

I lived off crumbs in the relationship much the same way as I did financially.

I settled for small/tiny amounts of a marriage. I always found myself wanting and needing more. Never satisfied with the little that I received despite how much I gave from my own emptiness. I have always been a giver, its in my nature. There are countless times in which this hasn’t been reciprocated over my lifetime. I guess I only valued myself enough to accept crumbs.

BUT then life changed! As it does!

I finally came to the realisation that there was more available if I only opened up to it. If I only allowed myself to see that I deserved more then crumbs. After so many YEARS of being starved I woke up to the fact that I needed to be with someone who matched my level of care and genuine love.

It wasn’t easy to get to that point believe me!

I am no longer starving for affection, attention, genuine care, a listening ear and an attentive heart. I have the buffet type of marriage relationship that I was always searching for in my heart. Its a mix of everything I have ever needed – and it’s a healthy buffet with all the good stuff.

Its here for me every day and I don’t have to go searching for it. No begging needed, no desperate pleas of attention, NO MORE trying and trying and trying…

It’s given to me no strings attached, free flowing love that I will never take for granted. I remember my previous life living off crumbs and appreciate what I have in my life now. Its incredible and I didn’t do anything special, all I did was be myself.

I am worth more then crumbs!

YOU are worth more then crumbs!

Abuse is never Ok ever

At times I still think about how I managed to put up with so much unjust treatment. It took me years to figure out that the blame was not solely on me. I was a genuine person that needed communication, understanding, care, protection and safety. I was a genuine person that hurt when I received only small morsels of what I needed. The lack of care and empathy made me feel like there was something wrong with me that I wasn’t worthy, important or valuable. I was a genuine person that reacted to manipulation, lies, control, stress, worries and lots of loneliness. This did not only happen once or twice it was in cycles for years.

A healthy person who loves you will never wish for you to feel lonely, sad, depressed, stressed, anxious, neglected or threatened. Knowing what I know now since being in a healthy relationship for over 5 years it can be confronting to see how deceived I was, how lost, confused and mistreated. These are the very reasons that I write what I write. Its not to keep rehashing my past, its to call abuse for what it is.

I despise abuse!

Abuse gets into the minds of the most innocent and distorts their reality. Abuse can divide you from loved ones or friends. It destroys with no mercy while the abuser walks away as if nothing happened, seemingly oblivious to the destruction they have caused.

Its plain and simple that a person who truly loves and values you won’t want you to feel hurt or pain.

Simple…..

A person who is not safe will continue to mistreat you over and over until you have no strength to pick yourself up. All of your own thoughts and opinions wont matter to them. Their priority is only for themselves. They will do whatever it takes to have life the way they want. They want control. They want compliance, they want someone that will behave and do as they say. No questions asked, no rights to your own feelings. YOU must exist only for what they believe and say. In their eyes you are dumb and stupid.

ABUSE IS NEVER OK EVER …..

Abuse, whether it is physical, emotional, spiritual or verbal. You do not have to put up with that type of treatment.

Love wouldn’t allow that. Real love and genuine care would not mistreat you. Love in all of its fullness would only want to see you thrive in safety, care and ALL the goodness that comes with it. It does not leave you wondering, confused, alone and desperate.

Real Love keeps you safe and happy….

Abuse is abuse and lets call it for what it is……

PLEASE stand up for yourself, move on, break free and sit with people that are truly loving.

It is what it is …

AT nearly 53 years old this May 2023, second marriage for one year with my gorgeous husband, mother of five, fulltime employee, eldest sister of four, daughter to my awesome Dad and a friend to my friends, life time and time again shows me how it can be so senseless on this planet.

What am I talking about you ask?

I’m talking about people.

People in your family or friends, colleagues, just people.

In my experience people do what they want and there is no chance of changing them.

People dismiss, disregard, disrespect, disengage OR DISTANCE themselves from you for whatever reason and most times it is beyond your control.

Sitting here on the weekend thinking about the people that are no longer in my life.

The main common factor that ties the people together that are no longer in my life revolves around boundaries.

It may have taken me decades but I finally figured it out that I don’t have to let people walk all over me. I have been there and done that in life from a young age. It got me nowhere but broken. It put me in situations I should not have been in.

I finally stood up and said NO to being lied about, disrespected, kicked around and being dismissed.

Unfortunately that means people will leave.

The people that leave are those who take no responsibility for their actions. They are people who like to have the final say, the people that don’t listen to your side, the people that dictate every part of the relationship. They are the one sided people. The people that have no empathy, compassion, kindness or heart.

I often think about these people, I wonder what made them like that?

What turned their hearts so hard and cold?

Why are they so blinded by how they make others feel?

Do these people live happy?

It really is senseless to me.

Then as I sit and think about these people I reach the same conclusion every time, which is that I can not change anyone, they are who they want to be. People will come and go from your life. It can be hard to accept but in the end it is what it is !!!

Some people don’t want to know what you have to say, they don’t have a genuine interest in your well being NOR do they care how they behave. They are the people that feel as though they have every right to treat others in ways they wouldn’t want to be treated and yet they still don’t get it?

More mysterious is the behaviour of people then how we are born and how we die. It is one of those forever questions we will probably never be able to answer and I guess it’s best to leave it at that …..

What are your experiences with people, please share in comments.

Not on my watch â€¦.

An area of weakness within my DNA and core of who I am is the tendency to believe that all people are good and they have your back. Time and time again I have found that not to be the case. We meet people along the path of life whether they be work colleagues, family or friends that can turn on you without warning. Way back in my younger days I was always worried about being liked. It held too much of a focus. I don’t think I was really aware at that age of how hard it can be to please and impress everyone. The need to keep everyone happy OR to be liked had me under a lot of pressure. It had me being someone I wasn’t at different times. I would have to go with the flow, speak as others speak, do as they say OR else be judged, be left behind, be hated OR ignored. I couldn’t stand the idea of others not liking me when I was young.

When you are young and trying to impress others or trying to keep the peace you hold back on who you really are. Others don’t get to know you as YOU. As my young self it felt like such a RISK to be me. FEAR kept me bound, it was about the risk of losing, the risk of failure which had my thoughts, opinions and words locked up inside of me. I would hide them with a smile. Little did others know how painful it really was to keep my mouth closed from speaking, holding in what I really thought about something, pretending to like it, pretending to be happy when I was in fact hurting, angry, sad etc.

As a 52 year old looking back on my young self always gives me clear answers as to how I managed to get into situations that were not good for me. It was always about fitting in, about not upsetting anyone and as mentioned before “going with the flow”. … Blending in, not being different, not having a voice, invisible, silent, careful, on edge, pretending, lonely and sad. In a way I was like a robot doing as others do or being as they wanted me to be. Holding onto the desperate need to please everyone I fought to stay on their good side. People liked me because I didn’t challenge them. I was easy to manipulate, control OR disregard.

The idea that people always have your back was smashed many times over in my life and even now I experience what people can be like. As we all do of course. We all have our experiences with people. Probably one of the most biggest challenges I have given myself since my life changed drastically in 2016 was to never stop being myself. It was about choosing not to be a people pleaser, not allowing myself opportunities to fall into any traps for others to control my life. As I have been there and done that. I paid the ultimate price back in 2016 when I walked away leaving 4 adult children behind. To this day I still cant quite comprehend how I did that, as my children have always been the love of my life. I can only say that it was desperation to save myself that kept me strong. The pain and heartache I went through during that period I wouldn’t even be able to describe unless you are someone that has gone through the same experience. The one thing that has kept me sane is the knowledge that had I not left I would probably not even be half of who I am today. I would have gone to the next level of serious mental health crisis.

Having been through the ultimate sacrifice as a mother I am unable to tolerate certain behaviours from others where once upon a time I would have just smiled and pretended I was ok with it. In my life now I don’t allow others to dictate who I should be. I won’t let anyone no matter who they are, to think they can treat me whichever way they like and think is OK.

Its not OK….

The older me is learning to say NO. I am learning to have boundaries I should have had years ago. I am also learning that as I have been setting boundaries there are people that don’t like me. I am facing the exact situation that I was trying to avoid as a young person. I can no longer please and impress people. I believe that if any person genuinely wants you in their life they will not push you away. If they truly like you then they won’t treat you poorly. I am learning to be OK with people not liking me.

When others don’t like me I remind myself of all the amazing people in my world that do like me and even love me. Having had healthy people in my life over the recent years as given me the opportunity to safely discover who I really am. The people that love me allow me to use my words, to speak my thoughts and share my opinions. They don’t get angry with me for opening up. They want to know how I am and what I think. They don’t treat me terribly. It’s a wonderful feeling to have safe people in my life. I hold onto the people in my life that have shown me they are there for the long haul. I thank them for allowing me to grow into who I am today 🙂