Ladies take your time….don’t hurry….

We all know ourselves better than anyone… all of our deepest desires, dreams and failures are apart of our uniqueness and individuality. These desires, dreams or failures may be often left unsaid, kept neatly tucked away from the people in our lives.

It can be scary opening up to others about what makes you tick, for fear of being judged, laughed at or pushed aside. Not everyone gets applauded for what they do or who they are. Life can be silent at times for the ordinary people of this world.

Routines are followed day in and day out with the best intentions to have a fulfilling and satisfying life.  Deep down we all share the same knowledge that there is no guarantee of  ultimate success in all area of our lives.

When we experience unavoidable failure the lessons are priceless.

The lessons are there to keep us  on the right path, to stay focused. The lessons learned provides us with an anchor to grab onto especially when we run the risk of not thinking straight about a given situation. While feelings are wonderful, feelings can have us rushing into things all too quickly….

Long before I learnt any gut wrenching lessons I made very quick irrational decisions as a young person. Young people need time to mature.

Take your time young person….

While it may feel like life is going too slow and you desperately want things to speed up, take your time before you put that foot on the accelerator and consider all of your options. You have plenty of time ahead of you.

Young lady please hear me. Don’t settle for any boy. The temporary comfort that helps you feel less lonely will only grow into deep loneliness later down the track if the person you are considering spending the rest of your life with is not good for you. A real man may have areas they are yet to mature in however if their character and how they treat you currently is creating anxiety and turmoil beyond the normal then they may not be for you.

If your instincts are telling you that something is not right then it probably isn’t. I had learned to shut down my instincts. To the point in which I didn’t even trust myself. When another persons values don’t match up with yours you will find yourself battling a feeling of contradiction. Life will be a regular let down. You have a desire to do something a certain way and the person you have attached yourself too goes about it completely differently. As an example; you may be someone that loves to budget and keep your finances in order. The person you have attached yourself too may have no desire to budget and worse yet they may accrue debts and choose to never repay them. You may even have conversations around this and explain how important it is for your values to be aligned which includes being cautious and mindful of your bank balance. You may further state your values in repaying people what you owe them. Despite your best efforts the person you have attached yourself too may hear what you are saying and yet continue living life they way they see fit.

You maybe a person that likes to treat others with respect. When you attach yourself to a person who sees no purpose for being respectful you will find yourself struggling. It is impossible to continue being with someone who treats others as though they have no value. The same way they treat others they will treat you.

Dear young lady; never put yourself into a relationship in which you are treated with no respect. A true man would not put you down in front of others. A true man would take your concerns seriously and make a true effort to be the man you deserve to have. A true man would take responsibility for their decisions with the purpose of keeping their loved ones safe and secure. A true man would not put you in situations that have the potential to break you in pieces. A true man listens to you. A true man doesn’t ignore you and give you the silent treatment. A true man doesn’t thrive on arguing. A true man creates an environment of trust and safety.

While it may feel like an eternity to be patient,  take your time,  you will save yourself so much heart ache and pain. You will have a lot more happier days then bad ones when you choose well.

NEVER SETTLE….

NEVER RUSH…

TAKE YOUR TIME….

 

 

 

 

At what point do you let go?

Agonising is the word that comes to mind when I relive that moment I was confronted with making a decision to stay or walk away. I had considered walking away several times before and was unable to commit to the process. It is a process to leave. The process often involves children and a good hard look at the finances.

On each occasion that I had considered walking away it was the thought of the children that had me stay.

I stayed in the relationship for the children. 

I was unable to comprehend how the children would cope with parents living apart, a family no longer one unit.

To leave involves taking into account finances. Finances were always an issue for me as I was a full-time mum for decades.

How does one leave a relationship with little to no finances of their own?

Children and finances locked me into the marriage equally as much as my commitment of ’till death do us part’.

When I nervously uttered the words, I do, on our wedding day, I was committed. I had made a pact with myself that I would never give up on marriage. I firmly held onto the idea that as adults we would communicate and resolve disputes or disagreements on every occasion and endeavour to maintain a healthy relationship to see us through right to the end.

“Healthy Relationship”.

A relationships foundation needs to be healthy from the start if it is to succeed all the difficult times. I was blind, unaware that I had committed myself to a very unhealthy relationship from the start.

I cant stress enough that some marriages or relationships are extremely harmful.

Harmful to you and everything you hold true.

You are not doing yourself any favours holding onto a person that chooses to hurt you. Holding on will lead to a life filled with contradictions, as you will be forced to neglect your needs and pretend your values aren’t important, all the while knowing deep in your core that something feels really wrong.

Abuse comes in several forms. Physical, verbal or emotional. It took me years to work out that I was living with emotional abuse.

I was in denial for years.

By nature I am a very compassionate and caring individual so to accept that I was married to someone who was emotionally abusing me was one of the hardest facts to face. The more I opened myself up to the truth, I started to realise I married this man out of sympathy. I cared about him as a person and felt sorry for how he had been raised. Each time he talked about his childhood I felt sad. I noticed that people often talked about him behind his back, and what they said was rarely positive. I thought I was helping him by loving him. I believed that if I loved this man enough he would change and others would learn to love him too. 

I was so wrong.

It didn’t seem possible that someone I trusted could mistreat me. I often excused his behaviour as a bad day he was having. Or perhaps I hadn’t been trying hard enough to be the wife I was destined to be. We grow up believing that significant people in our lives will protect and love us, sadly, this is not always the case. Some people are abusive.

Abuse is damage to your spirit, heart and mind.

As I struggled in denial, my heart and mind would exchange in conversation with each other. In desperation my heart would whisper statements of hope to my mind attempting to convince it into believing that one day this man would change and stop all the hurt/abuse. My mind would answer back pleading with my heart to wake up to all the mistreatment and hurt, begging me to leave. All my heart knew to do was give this man another chance to prove they had changed and did in fact love me.

I had these repeated conversations for 27 years.

How long should people keep trying?

How far do you allow damage to continue?

In the process of endless chances damage takes place. The heart shuts down. The individual has lost their voice. The person you once were is now lost.

In order to continue in an abusive relationship you master the ability to ignore your own cries for help. Forgotten are all the red flags that were waving at you from the very beginning signalling caution and yet here you are recognising that the same behaviours continue, nothing has changed.

Its as though you become a martyr.

You were not designed to be walked on, used, abused or treated as though your needs don’t matter. You may have held a long standing belief that you deserve bad treatment. It could be the bad treatment connects with a lie you’ve held onto about yourself for years, which has sold you a story, headlining; “your not valuable”, ” your unworthy” or “you don’t deserve anything better”.

The longer you ignore the mistreatment and hold onto the relationship the more broken and shattered you become. When feelings are ignored on a regular basis you become empty and numb, as its not safe to be yourself anymore. Slowly but surely you begin to shutdown. Anxiety becomes your best friend and you start living on high alert. The moment you think its ok to relax convinced the relationship is improving the cycle starts again. That is false hope, temporary pain relief. Good moments are short lived and outnumbered by the hurtful treatment that continues with no end in sight.

Should you choose to stay you will only arrive at this same place again and again.

It is heart breaking to accept and let go of the dream that your relationship will change.

From experience I can confidently say that if you are with a partner who has no intention of taking responsibility of their mistreatment of you, you have enlisted into a never-ending battle. You will find yourself empty, broken and desperate.

I also know how extremely difficult it is to let go.

It was the night I felt the least strong that I let go.

I couldn’t hold on anymore it was killing me.

Don’t keep fighting a one sided battle!

Excuses and denial can only go so far.

Don’t wait for the right time, there will never be a right time.

You should let go as soon as you have come out of denial and can accept you are in an abusive relationship.

Your health and safety should not come last, as soon as this is compromised its time to let go.

Posted in relationships

Behind the Scenes.

Life today is actively focused on what we see outwardly, rarely do we see past the external. Social media has taught society that a happy profile equals a happy fulfilling life. Smiles on social media profiles are a little like the perception of advertising. Big bright sexy smiles on products lure consumers into the belief that they will be ever so happy and satisfied once they purchase THE product, whatever THE product may be at the time.
To put an advertisement together one would expect it to take quite some work. Hours of take one, take two, take three…… until finally the advertisement is perfected and suitable for viewers. Make up is re applied, hair is touched up and actors are directed by the director for each shot. We see the final product without seeing the days, weeks or months it took to put that advertisement together. Editing removes the imperfections, the mistakes, the bloopers that were not a part of the script.

 

In the real world we don’t get to edit our mistakes or regrets. That which has taken place in our lives cannot be wiped out. We eventually have less attachment to the past as it fades with time however we are impacted in some way or another forever. The past carries our between takes and behind the scenes sweat and tears. The people who are closet to us know our story and the further away a person is to our lives the less they truly see. They are usually the people who get to see the final product without the knowledge of what actually took place for years prior to a persons happy social media profile. From my own experience I can honestly say that I have uploaded profiles onto social media at times in which life sucked…only those closet to me knew what was really going on behind my carefree profile picture.
As my life has progressed along month by month following my marriage break up the smile on my face has not only stayed on longer but is real and genuine. I’m not having to hide a bunch of pain that used to be going on behind the scenes in my life. I had learnt how to pretend that everything was alright and on the inside I was dying a little more every day.
Pretending takes its toll.
I couldn’t pretend anymore. The mental and emotional parts of me lost the strength to be fake. It is as though they collided into each other ready to combust causing me to have what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown.
While we like to think we are strong enough to handle continuous painful situations there is a point in which our bodies say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Thankfully when I got to that point in which my body was screaming at me to do something I actually listened, finally I listened. That moment scared me! I had never quite experienced such overwhelming deep cries coming from within me, it was too powerful for me to control. It was these overwhelming deep cries that gave me the strength to pack my bags and walk out of the most unhealthy relationship. In times past I would have gone back for fear of life not working out believing that I didn’t have the ability to get anywhere by myself. Due to the nature of the unhealthy relationship there are occasionally moments I still have to battle with ridiculous thoughts such as; I wont ever be happy as I left my marriage and therefore I am doomed for failure, as though I am in the wrong that I didn’t stay and continue being treated far less than any human should ever be treated.
I was led to believe that as a god fearing person I should stay with my husband and submit. That if I only continue being the wife that this man needed he would eventually change and start treating me right.
That never happened….
When you are in the midst of an unhealthy relationship it is so damn difficult to get yourself out. As I look back over what my life was then to what it is now I am so thankful that I finally listened to myself and did something about it. I started all over again with nothing. I did have great family support and assistance however I still had to pick myself up and get past all of the brainwashing that had got me believing that I didn’t have what it took to make it. That unless I was still with my husband I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own. That my life would end up being more messed up without him.
Each of those lies have been exposed as what they are, just lies….
It is amazing what people will say to try and keep you stuck to them. It’s a little bit like false advertising. “Stay with me and life will eventually be incredible, leave me and your life will be in ruins”….

To that I say “I left and life is becoming incredible, had I stayed any longer I would have been ruined”…..

 

Posted in relationships

It’s not you, its them…

Probably one of the most difficult aspects of life is accepting that another person or human being can choose to make decisions that hurt you. That no matter how hard you may try to do things right or morally correct does not guarantee the same in return.


We often like to believe the best of people.
We assume that others carry with them the same values and duty of care that we hold onto and believe in. Until the day when you realise it simply is not the truth nor the reality.
Your suddenly met with more let downs and disappointment.


It’s so unimaginable to accept that another human being just like yourself could be so against doing the right thing.


How do they live with themselves you wonder?


Is it possible that another human being can be so hard on the inside they have no feelings at all? If only the world were filled with people who did the right thing!


The fact of the matter is the world isn’t like that. Our own world isn’t like that. There are people in our circles who only have one person on their mind and that is themselves.
Yes, people can be very selfish.


By nature, I am a softy. I don’t like being tough when I need to be. Which has worked against me over the years and kept me in an unhealthy marriage. Even my sensitive nature couldn’t stop me from coming to my limits. I finally came to that place in which I took the opportunity and walked out. It was one of the hardest moments I have ever come across in life.

I had to save myself.


Over one year later here I am navigating another obstacle. While I am no longer in a marriage I am still partially reliant on the decisions they make. Those decisions affect me financially. My job doesn’t pay a lot per hour and I am already working five days a week during school hours. Up until this week what has helped me is receiving payments for my 10-year-old from the government. It isn’t a lot however it adds to what I am earning and takes the edge off a little. Unfortunately, this week that payment has been stopped. No fault of mine. I’m now being penalised for another human being’s choices of which I have no control. Despite my best efforts at explaining what has happened to my ex no responsibility has been accepted by them. It not only affects me it affects their child. My ex is living the high life with no responsibility of looking after or paying for children. They have the freedom of working as many hours as they so wish. Here I am having started with nothing over a year ago doing everything I can possible to make life work and now I am faced with more struggle.
All I have ever hoped for was just the bare minimum of assistance from them which I don’t dictate but the government does. My best efforts at communicating have not produced anything but excuses and silence.
It is so unbelievably difficult comprehending another person’s actions or lack thereof when it comes to these types of situations. How does a father take no responsibility?


My previous blog I talked about having forgiven but not forgotten. It is times like this you remind yourself why you left in the first place.


Nothing has changed.
They haven’t changed.


They are still the same person by actions.
A person can apologise to you a thousand times yet if they keep hurting you by their actions then it is time to look after yourself.


When I was in the marriage I thought I was doing the right thing accepting their apologies repeatedly. In normal situations that’s what people should do. However not all situations are normal. Not all people or relationships are normal or healthy for that matter.
I lived in denial for so many years.
Over a year later and having not been with them since, nothing has changed. If they didn’t care when married why would they care when you’re no longer with them.
Accepting these facts can be so hard.
One of my short falls is believing that other people carry the same values as me. That if I would do my best to do the right thing then they will too.


There comes a point in life when you must accept the facts! Or else you will continue living in a situation which is causing you damage more than you may realise.


Not everyone in life is going to do the right thing by you.


Don’t do what I did and keep going for 27 years hoping to change someone for the better.

You can’t change them.


When the facts are staring at you in the face, face them. Believe the facts they don’t lie. A person can sound like they are convincing with their apologies or their intentions yet when their actions are always opposite there comes a time in which you must save yourself.

It isn’t you, its them.

Posted in relationships

Simple Truth’s …

The signs I chose to ignore:

• Silent Treatment: Silent treatment is just as the definition describes. When someone you are in a relationship with becomes silent rather than discuss important issues turning cold and withdrawing leaving you feeling as though you are invisible and unimportant. At times walking past you as you sit there on the lounge at home ignoring your presence (that’s when you know things are quite bad). It is often talked about that men go into their man caves or there nothing box inside their head however when a man ignores you and gives you the silent treatment when you are hurting is hurting you! There is no excuse for a real man to ignore you when you’re hurting. Any real man that truly cares about you will care when you are hurting. Even when they don’t have all the answers they will support you emotionally.

• Not taking responsibility: When your partner makes decisions usually big ones (particularly financial) and it goes sour! They suddenly disappear leaving you with the after effects. Debt collectors knocking on the door and calling you on the phone. A real man takes responsibility and doesn’t leave their partner to deal with the after effects and vanish. Real men face their wrong doings and admit fault. Real men make amends. Life doesn’t always go to plan and sometimes things go wrong however when a partner ditches you with all the consequences and stress something isn’t right? When you confront them with their actions they get defensive and angry. You walk away feeling like a failure, feeling as though you are not strong enough to deal with life’s problems…. You begin to make excuses on their behalf. You begin to lie to the debt collectors and then you get used to doing so…. You start lying to yourself….

• Boasting: The topic of conversation is usually about how good they are at pulling off that deal. They can get so caught up in conversation about themselves that they don’t even realise what they are saying. It starts getting uncomfortable when your around other people and your partner begins to boast. It’s about them. About how great they are. Every sentence begins with them and ends with them. They talk themselves UP to such a point everyone listening on begins to feel uncomfortable. You hear what is said and recognise all the exaggerated facts. All the untruths. You stand there smiling while on the inside you feel embarrassed and mumble underneath your breath ‘that wasn’t what happened, his lying’. Why the lies?

• Embarrassing you: Around others they will say revealing things about you. Without warning conversations have you feeling embarrassed. Nothing is safe in their knowledge of you. They reveal personal information to others you thought was only between the two of you. You start to wonder what your friends are thinking…eventually you stop making friends, close ones. You may know a lot of people however it’s not safe to get too close as eventually it will only end up in embarrassment. Or worse they may say something to your friends and they don’t want much to do with you anymore. You begin to get isolated from friends and family. As you confront them about their behaviours they convince you that everyone else has the issues and not them. They can be so convincing that you may even start believing that your friends and family are unsafe to talk to. The idea of going anywhere with this person can be extremely stressful as you never know what they are going to do or say!!!! You have no assurance that they will look out for your best interest or the best interests of others. They just say whatever comes to mind. No prior thought, no consideration of other’s feelings. In life, there is always room for humour yet there is a big difference between genuine humour and hurtful remarks.

• Never apologising: We all make mistakes. Sometimes we say things in ways that come out wrong. We may be having a bad day and it doesn’t come out right. Most people know when they need to apologise. Especially in a relationship it’s not difficult to know when we have hurt the other person in our lives. What happens when it is always you that apologises? I would rather be someone that can apologise. A person who leaves you to do all the apologising is someone who struggles to see their part in the story. If a partner always leaves you feeling as though every problem that arises within the relationship is all your fault I would question how long that relationship will last? You can only go so long apologising before you begin to grow resentful. It is about having a partnership. A partnership involving only one side apologising is not balanced.

When in a relationship or partnership with someone and these issues are involved you begin to lose RESPECT and TRUST … You begin to lose yourself in the process and eventually the cracks will cause a complete break, it’s inevitable. … If it isn’t the relationship that breaks in the beginning its your personality and your own worth and value.