SO this past four days I have been fighting hard against a virus. I was determined to beat it and got myself to work. However, this morning the virus WON! I have now surrendered, left work early and dropped into my comfy bed. I have entertained myself with Netflix long enough today and decided that since I have been incredibly busy this past year with work and my blogging has taken a bit of a backseat that I would WRITE A BLOG!
I started blogging about two years ago during a christmas break. I had time to think and put down my thoughts. The blogs began with inspirational stories of how I struggled with low self esteem as a teenager. I poured out my heart hoping that by being real others would stumble across my story igniting them with hope that they too could be free from feeling ugly and unwanted. I wrote about how the feeling of being ugly and unwanted was how I felt about myself not necessarily what others thought of me.
As I continued writing blogs each month I touched on various topics which resinated with my own personal struggles. Little did I know that in July 2016 my blogs would take on a whole new journey as I was on a whole new journey.
LIFE CHANGED BIG TIME!
For 27 years I was fighting hard to have a healthy marriage/relationship with my now ex-husband. Most people get married believing it will be forever…. By nature, I can be quite stubborn and determined. I was determined to make the marriage work. In no way do I declare myself to be a perfect person I have my flaws like everyone else. What I didn’t understand all those 27 years was that while I was fighting to have a great marriage I was fighting a losing battle. It didn’t matter what I did the core of our relationship was unhealthy.
We were both two broken young adults who got together, had five amazing children and lived in a toxic relationship for most of the time. I say most of the time as there were days which seemed happy and hopeful. Those happy and hopeful days quickly turned into dark and lonely days. It wasn’t enough that I wanted a great healthy marriage I had no control over how my ex husband was going to respond. Unfortunately, his responses were for the most part unhealthy causing a lot of grief and hurt (which you can read more about in previous blogs).
SO I gave in and stopped fighting for a healthy marriage. It was time to fight for myself. No person is strong enough to cope with unhealthy toxic relationships forever. There will come a day that if the relationship continues being destructive you must make a choice. There are only two choices. STAY OR LEAVE.
I FINALLY LEFT…
That decision had me starting life all over again with ZERO.
While dealing with grief and loss I picked myself back up and was accepted into employment. Employment = Finances. While the finances are not a lot they are enough to pay the bills, and keep a little aside for emergencies.
Since I hadn’t worked for quite some years due to being a house mum it was another battle to get through all the self-doubts that come your way when you start a new job. I stuck in there and continued going to work on days I didn’t feel capable.
Nearly a year on I got a promotion!
All the hard work and growing that took place put me in a position in which I was ready to accept a more challenging role (while inwardly freaking out of course). This year I will be growing into that new role and no doubt there will be some more fights taking place against SELF DOUBT.
This year will be another NEW YEAR of growth and opportunities that I look forward too.
Perhaps I will be writing a blog about a special man that walked into my life and planted a smile on my face 😊😊😊😊
Only time will tell, life is about taking each day, embracing the day and not giving up!!!
Our fights are temporary.
This virus I am fighting has temporarily put me out of action but not enough that I can’t BLOG 😊.
Happy Wednesday !!!
History is filled with individual stories of struggle, pain, tragedy and triumph. We may have some idea of the future we desire for ourselves and our families yet ultimately we have no real clue as to how the future will unfold or what experiences we may be facing some time down the track. Some days I wish I had been forewarned or been handed a book that was filled with every experience I was to be walking through. Thank goodness such insight is not possible as I know it would bring more apprehension and distraction than I could possibly cope with.
Some life experiences are written in books giving us information to be somewhat prepared. Even with preparation we get overwhelmed with new situations. An example that comes to mind is child birth. While there is endless information on pregnancy and labour no amount of reading helped me with the idea of giving birth for the first time. I was excited yet extremely nervous at the thought. In fact I recall when I was younger a conversation my mum and her friend were having about this topic. I remember saying “if that is how painful it is to have babies I am never going to have one”. Little did I know that I would in fact give birth to five babies down the track?
My first pregnancy was going well. After attending a birthday party until late it seemed when we got home that I was experiencing back pain. It was getting very intense. My due date was 5 1/2 weeks away so how could it possibly be labour? Something didn’t feel right and so I was taken to hospital. After being examined the doctor stated that there was nothing they could do to stop me from going into labour. That in fact I was in labour and this first born baby was going to arrive early. All sorts of fears and worries flooded my mind. To begin with I had no idea what child birth was like and suddenly I was faced with a premature childbirth. After 11 or so hours of intense labour my Joshua was born. He was tiny and weighed a little over 2 kg. There was no possibility of cuddles as he was rushed into a special crib and given oxygen. The first cuddle I got with him was after 3 days. It was a brief cuddle. Everything turned out well after lots of ups and downs both physically on my end and Joshua’s. Three weeks went by and Joshua was given permission to come home.
Having had such an experience with my first baby taught me so much. I was stretched beyond my comfort zone. Each step with Joshua was one of learning. After a few months I became more confident looking after him. Eventually routine came into place and my life became more manageable. I was able to enjoy my new baby.
The experiences I went through with Joshua prepared me for all four of the other babies that were yet to be born. This meant that I was no longer as apprehensive about pregnancy and labour. I had experience. I was stronger and more capable of taking care of a family with lots of little onesIn the midst of new experiences we are faced with many unknowns. We often don’t realise everything we go through in life somewhat prepares us for the future. While there is no book detailing the future to come, it amazes me how all of the experiences I have endured have equipped me unawares. It seems that each difficulty that I have ever faced has increased in intensity. Which continues to stretch and challenge always to newer heights providing me perseverance and persistence. The different levels of challenge have given me an ability to outlast the pain barrier. In fact as I am navigating my new season right now on many occasions I think back only a few years and know without a doubt that had I gone through what I am going through now I would not have managed.
In recent days I have felt like quite the novice. For 27 years I only knew marriage. Now I am learning what it is to be walking through a marriage breakdown. I may feel like a novice yet I am still here and breathing, I am moving forward each day, learning and growing stronger. I’m developing new skills and am being stretched once again.
Over 20 years ago we moved away from family here in Canberra. It was the hardest moment of my life knowing that family was not going to be around the corner. I missed my parents and sisters so much until eventually I accepted the fact that we lived far away. Somehow i have done full circle and landed right back where I started only this time without my adult children. I love all of my children so much that words dont come close in expressing my heart for each of them. As I make my new life here in Canberra I am being stretched yet again missing my own children incredibly. I recognise that I have been in this position decades ago with my own parents and sisters.
No experience we go through in life is ever wasted. Each experience the good or the bad trains us to be strong and enduring. There may not be a personalised book detailing our exact future yet we can take courage from the idea that we will get through life’s incredible challenges. We may feel like a novice perhaps lacking confidence. Take heart in the fact that what you have been through has equipped you for today.
You will get through it and keep growing, learning and becoming stronger!