life in reverse
The first half of my life looks completely different to the second half and so it should. It would be a concern if it all stayed the same. Frozen, stuck and stagnant would describe a life that has not moved forward. The first half of my life up until the age of 46 years old felt cold and frozen. Perhaps I had a frozen state of living, living in worry, confusion, sadness, loneliness, desperation, emptiness, disconnected from my original design. I don’t believe for a second that I was supposed to live that way. Yes I made my choices and I have no one to blame but myself for that part.
As a young person I was living in the moment, expecting that my decisions were the right ones. I truly believed it was all going to be good. That once married, with kids, each day would unfold into a bright and beautiful future. I expected that going to church living life for God was also a guarantee to a good life. Most of what I thought was good wasn’t really that good. Underneath the surface of my life was chaos. Man made chaos. It wasn’t at all what I was led to believe. The devil was blamed for most of it. The devil got all the credit for the man made chaos. It was the same old story week in and week out, that if your life was not going well you were under attack! “YOU must be doing something right for GOD if you are being attacked by the DEVIL”, he doesn’t attack Christians that are sleeping only the ones that are awake! This is what I was told, this is what I heard in Church.
All the man made decisions that left our household finances in shambles were blamed on the devil.
I truly regret that I walked into a church at the age of 17.
That’s the day I stopped thinking for myself and got lost in a life of manipulation and control.
The message was about sacrificing yourself for God.
Giving up on your own desires and surrendering.
I surrendered alright.
That was foolish and dangerous, it shut me off from being able to think for myself. It was sinful to think for yourself. Every decision and thought needed to be in line with the bible. This meant that being married I was not to walk away, I was to submit to my husband, pray and believe by faith that God was going to change him. DANGEROUS!
I was led to believe that the more you surrendered your life the closer you would be to God. In my case surrender meant no money, no friends, no family, a lonely marriage relationship, emotional abuse, control, manipulation and fear.
REVERSE all of that and now in the second half of my life at nearly 51 years old I don’t go to church, I have a loving Fiancé, a man that makes great decisions with finances, closer relationships with family and friends. Safety, security, peace and love. I don’t feel guilty for making my own decisions. I have never felt so content. I am in a free environment where I can choose without judgement. I understand now what it is to be respected, valued and loved.
My fiancé checks up on me regularly to ensure that I am all good. He values me so much that he never wants to see me hurt, in pain or sad for that matter. He would never treat me badly. OUR relationship is healthy, wholesome and natural. There is no striving, stress or malice. We have been together for nearly 4 years in December and don’t fight. Instead of fighting we communicate. We both listen to each other and have no intention of putting the other down. We are both on the same page, we share the same values and only want the absolute best for each other.
I truly feel like this second half of my life is filled with good things, it almost feels like I am now rewarded for all the years of heartache and pain. I still have to pinch myself every now and then as its simply amazing to live a life that is so beautiful. It’s all that I could ever ask for and more. I will never take my new life for granted! Every moment and every event on this journey is better then gold.
Thank you Life for giving me a second chance. Xx