It can be admirable grasping tightly to a troubled marriage. In a world in which relationships don’t often make it to the end we may hold on even if it were to kill us believing its our duty to stick it through!
I cant stress enough that some marriages or relationships are harmful. Harmful to you and everything you value.
You are not doing yourself any favours holding onto a relationship that hurts you. Inevitably you will have to ignore your needs and pretend your values aren’t that important, all the while knowing deep down that its not agreeing with you. You know exactly what the problem is yet you choose to avoid confronting the true issue. To confront what you already know is scary. If your anything like me who is generally a compassionate and caring person you will find it damn hard to be confronting or to face the truth. It is as though you care more for the person your in a relationship with than you do for yourself regardless of the negative impact it is having on your very soul, your heart and mind.
You are no good to anyone if you don’t take care of yourself, and while people may judge that idea as being selfish it doesn’t really matter what they think as it is all about your SAFETY and QUALITY OF LIFE.
The truth is while we like to believe significant people in our lives would do anything NOT to hurt us, personal experience has proven that there are people who will not change. Your desperate attempts to communicate the hurt you feel falls SILENTLY on deaf ears and a closed heart. It has no impact on them.
The heart and head have regular conversations. The heart hurts constantly hoping that its concerns will one day be realised, as it grasps to comprehend why or how a person your in a relationship with can inflict such pain. The head speaks and begs you to leave the situation. The heart interrupts with desperate pleas; “they will change”, “give them another chance”, “all relationships go through difficulties don’t give up”, “you need to change and then they will change”, “they really do love me, its because they don’t know how to show it”. No amount of convincing or reasoning changes the other person or the depth of how unhealthy the relationship is.
How long are you willing to keep trying? How long are you willing to keep hurting?
In the process of giving endless chances damage takes place. Your heart begins to shut down. You no longer know the power of your own voice. In order to continue in the relationship you master the ability to turn deaf to your own cries for help. You know you didn’t sign up for this sort of a relationship intentionally, you had convinced yourself that it was going to work out despite all of the red flags in the beginning.
Its as though you become a martyr.
You were not designed to be walked on, used, abused or treated as though your needs don’t matter. You may have held a long standing belief that you deserve bad treatment. Perhaps the bad treatment connects with a lie you’ve believed about yourself for years which has sold you a story headlining the words; “your not valuable” OR ” your unworthy”, “you don’t deserve anything great”.
The longer you hold on the more broken you become. When your feelings are ignored or mistreated on a regular basis numbness takes over. Its not safe to be yourself anymore. Slowly but surely you are in lockdown. Anxiety feels closer than your partner as you live on high alert. The moment you think its ok to relax and you believe the relationship is improving the cycle starts again. Its only temporary relief. Good moments are short lived and outnumbered from the hurtful treatment that continues with no end in sight.
Denial empowers you to cope.
Letting go of hopeful dreams that one miraculous day the relationship will be everything you strived for is heartbreaking. When we stand before our partner on our wedding day declaring our unending love to the end of time we really mean it. On the flipside you hear the declarations of your partner and are filled with hopeful excitement of the future only to realise (when its too late) that their actions very rarely support the words they uttered from their lips.
As the realisation sinks in you begin to start fighting for a marriage all by yourself.
They may tell you over and over that it is all your fault. You then fight harder.
From my own personal experience I can tell you that if you are with a partner who has no intention of taking responsibility you will fight forever. You will find yourself empty, broken and desperate.
I also know how extremely difficult it is to let go.
There were many a time in which I considered letting go however I was not strong enough. Ironically when I thought I was the least strong is the night that I let go. I couldn’t hold on anymore it was killing me.
Don’t keep fighting a lonely battle!
Excuses only go so far. When the actions don’t match the words consistently and the damage is deep and harmful it is TIME TO LET GO…..