Does it really matter if you hate yourself?

During my younger days battling with low self -esteem I had no idea how damaging it was to hate myself. I was my own worst nightmare. Deep down I desperately wanted to be free but at the same time it was more comfortable and natural to live as damaged goods.  I was not free in myself or with other people.   Even one look by a complete stranger could set me off into complete self- consciousness and assumption that the reason they are looking at me is there is something wrong with me? While the truth was more likely that the person didn’t even see me they were possibly in their own world and happened to glance in my direction. Common sense flies out the window and everything negative has permission to stay.  Your whole world gets wrapped up in how much you don’t like yourself and how much the world is out to get you because you are no good.

Hating yourself can damage your relationships or put you into damaging relationships. Recently I had a look into a diary that I had written around the age of 15 to 17 yrs. Such a pattern emerged page by page. The topic of boys was common and complete boredom with life. It was interesting reading through and seeing how much I relied on boys to feel satisfied however it only brought heartache. While there were the few boyfriends that were genuine they did not last.  Then there were the random boys that came onto the scene who had no intention of anything more than what they were after and the sad part is I gave that to them as I had no self- worth or value in myself as a person. When you have no value as a person then your expectations are lowered opening the door for being used by boys that have no value in you either.  Heart ache is strewn all over the pages of my diary!

When you hate yourself you are so consumed about yourself that life has no meaning. The boredom that was communicated in my diary on a daily basis was the lack of purpose I had in my life. Nothing satisfied me. As most other teenagers I did go to the movies, ice skating, friends places etc., yet nothing was truly satisfying. Outwardly I functioned like everyone else yet inwardly I was a complete disaster. There was no freedom in my heart and I was constantly dictated to by my beliefs.

When you think the worst about yourself you tend to think the worst about others. In the same way others pick up on your body language and read your self- hate and tend to stay away.  Now that I am not ruled to live that way anymore it has given me so much more purpose. It has improved my ability to relate with others and even if there happens to be someone that does not like me I no longer take that on board and let it consume my every moment. Not everyone is going to like you and that’s OK as long as YOU LIKE YOU!!!

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