My Truth

I stepped into what I thought was a safe life.

Church is safe, right?

Familiarity took hold and made me feel safe.

You were familiar and intriguing.

I had to chase a little until I was caught.

I thought it was love, did I know what love was?

I found myself following, believing every word how could it be wrong when it sounded so right.

Suddenly your actions confused me, they hurt deeply.

Why was this love so cold and careless.

I thought I had to follow church says be a devoted wife. Pray,  believe, submit and forgive.

Year after year 27 to be exact I kept getting pushed down, ignored, silenced and told it was my past that had me captive. You too had a past. I needed to change, to be holier, worthy, put the world behind and forget yourself. Your not important its a sacrifice. Only then will you make it to heaven. Submit. You don’t have a voice its not yours anymore. My self worth didn’t exist. I was nothing. Empty and broken.

I thought it was love so I stayed.

Does love keep you down?

I was stuck.

No confidence in myself, as I didn’t exist. My thoughts and words were as nothing. Submit. Don’t question God? Don’t you believe?

Forget your own thoughts and feelings they don’t matter. It’s all about God. We are living for him. So I followed believing your words as they sounded so righteous and true.

There were extremes, hope then failure.

God will provide I was assured but then so many reckless decisions not planned or thought out.

God created us to think and make good decisions its not by chance. Being responsible determines the outcomes.

I became a mother to 5 children and cherished each moment. My love for them kept me going. I was a wife and mother, a sister a daughter.

I knew many people but couldn’t befriend them, if they got too close you pushed them away.

Even my family was undermined  should I spend too much time with them I might change for the worse.

Why was I so bad to begin with?

Even I was undermined and made to feel I had no ability to live life unless I was compliant. No support only strong words to contain me. Or silence to stop me. Pray, believe, submit and forgive. I did that over and over devoted to change and a blessed life.

I was still alone, neglected and not important.

Conflicted and confused I started to think? Why was it all on me? A healthy relationship takes two to invest. Investing time, attention,  respect and care. Lifting up not pulling down. What is the point to devote your life to God and neglect the family. Where’s the balance.

Life kept going as who could stop it. Hurt continued who could end it.

No more praying, believing or submitting.

My eyes, my mind started to see that it actually wasn’t so much me.

I was only following thinking I was doing right, that wasn’t enough.

My words started speaking, no more I’ve had enough cant you see what you’ve been doing to me.

It’s your past I kept being told, your not healed it’s your fault. Yet how does my past make you so cold. We all have a past its about here and now. How you choose to respond is all on you now.

My new strength lifted me up and then suddenly you said this is enough. You opened the door and told me to leave without hesitation I was suddenly free.

I live my life now true to myself never lowering my standards to anyone else. I value each day as the person I am and I really don’t care who others think I am! 

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