Tag: healing

My Truth

I stepped into what I thought was a safe life.

Church is safe, right?

Familiarity took hold and made me feel safe.

You were familiar and intriguing.

I had to chase a little until I was caught.

I thought it was love, did I know what love was?

I found myself following, believing every word how could it be wrong when it sounded so right.

Suddenly your actions confused me, they hurt deeply.

Why was this love so cold and careless.

I thought I had to follow church says be a devoted wife. Pray,  believe, submit and forgive.

Year after year 27 to be exact I kept getting pushed down, ignored, silenced and told it was my past that had me captive. You too had a past. I needed to change, to be holier, worthy, put the world behind and forget yourself. Your not important its a sacrifice. Only then will you make it to heaven. Submit. You don’t have a voice its not yours anymore. My self worth didn’t exist. I was nothing. Empty and broken.

I thought it was love so I stayed.

Does love keep you down?

I was stuck.

No confidence in myself, as I didn’t exist. My thoughts and words were as nothing. Submit. Don’t question God? Don’t you believe?

Forget your own thoughts and feelings they don’t matter. It’s all about God. We are living for him. So I followed believing your words as they sounded so righteous and true.

There were extremes, hope then failure.

God will provide I was assured but then so many reckless decisions not planned or thought out.

God created us to think and make good decisions its not by chance. Being responsible determines the outcomes.

I became a mother to 5 children and cherished each moment. My love for them kept me going. I was a wife and mother, a sister a daughter.

I knew many people but couldn’t befriend them, if they got too close you pushed them away.

Even my family was undermined  should I spend too much time with them I might change for the worse.

Why was I so bad to begin with?

Even I was undermined and made to feel I had no ability to live life unless I was compliant. No support only strong words to contain me. Or silence to stop me. Pray, believe, submit and forgive. I did that over and over devoted to change and a blessed life.

I was still alone, neglected and not important.

Conflicted and confused I started to think? Why was it all on me? A healthy relationship takes two to invest. Investing time, attention,  respect and care. Lifting up not pulling down. What is the point to devote your life to God and neglect the family. Where’s the balance.

Life kept going as who could stop it. Hurt continued who could end it.

No more praying, believing or submitting.

My eyes, my mind started to see that it actually wasn’t so much me.

I was only following thinking I was doing right, that wasn’t enough.

My words started speaking, no more I’ve had enough cant you see what you’ve been doing to me.

It’s your past I kept being told, your not healed it’s your fault. Yet how does my past make you so cold. We all have a past its about here and now. How you choose to respond is all on you now.

My new strength lifted me up and then suddenly you said this is enough. You opened the door and told me to leave without hesitation I was suddenly free.

I live my life now true to myself never lowering my standards to anyone else. I value each day as the person I am and I really don’t care who others think I am! 

My word for the New Year is Thankfulness.

So much can happen in a two week period. Following a general check up of a nodule in my thyroid recently led me to a biopsy. IN all honestly I was not one slightly bit concerned. It had grown and standard procedure is to have a biopsy when in one year it went from 9mm to 12mm in size. I waited a week almost forgetting that I had the biopsy. At work one morning I noticed a missed call from the GP Reception asking to call back as the Dr wanted to see me the following day or at least by the end of that week to discuss the results. I rang back hesitantly reminding the receptionist that I had an appointment already booked with the Dr for the following week. I was told quite firmly that the Dr had requested to see me sooner. Slightly panicked I arranged an appointment for the end of the week as to consider going in the next morning seemed all to much in that moment. About an hour later I was unable to concentrate at work, I was suddenly frozen in fear as my mind went off racing down the track of our mum’s cancer journey. We had about a month earlier passed the one year mile stone of her passing. She left us too soon having gone through the unthinkable for about 8 months of treatments for a very aggressive blood cancer Lymphoma. Here in Australia when we have a procedure such as an ultrasound or biopsy we can go online with the company that performed it and check the results. You guessed it, I couldn’t wait till the end of the week so I decided to go online into the portal and have a look at the results. The word Carcinoma caught my attention immediately and I went into a meltdown. My manager at work encouraged me to ring the Dr reception back and ask to be seen in the morning rather then the end of the week. I reluctantly called and changed the appointment. My husband changed his work schedule so that he could be with me.

That following morning I found myself sitting with my GP and my husband in a state of numbness hearing the diagnosis of thyroid cancer. The GP reassured me that if you are going to get cancer this is the best one to get as it is treatable with surgery. It has a high success rate at 98%. From numbness I went into internal panic again and an overwhelming sense of shock. AT that time no reassurance was helping me, the word Cancer shock me to my core as that is what led to my mum to leaving us so soon. I found myself connecting back to my mum’s journey, thinking about how she would have felt on that terrible day she received her diagnosis being told she only had 3 months to live without treatment. My GP got on the phone straight away to organise an appointment with a specialist. There were two choices of specialists and the best surgeon in thyroid cancer called the following morning with an appointment for the end of the week. At the specialist appointment surgery was the main focus of conversation and a discussion about the treatments available should the cancer have spread to my lymph nodes in my neck. The surgeon confirmed that a full thyroid gland removal would take place with some lymph nodes taken out as well to be biopsied for further analysis to determine if an iodine treatment would be required following surgery to kill off any other unwanted cancer cells. IN that initial consult I was advised that there was an opportunity to have the surgery on the 22nd December rather then wait until 12th January 2023. I asked them to give me the weekend to consider that option as I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with Christmas so close. I was panicked. Overwhelmed with so many worries and concerns. Bad enough to hear the word Cancer to then be confronted with the idea of surgery on my neck. After having gone through all the trauma with my mum the process of everything unfolding gripped me with such fear at each step. Its crazy how our brains revert back to trauma.

Saturday morning I decided I would go with the earlier date of next week for surgery, how could I possibly last till about the middle of January in this state of mental attack. First thing Monday the surgeon was contacted and my husband booked me in for the 22nd December. I rearranged my work so that I could work from home until the Wednesday being the day before surgery. Work was a great distraction for those 3 days. Sleep was impossible so I was wrecked by the time I went in for surgery. Walking into the hospital I was calmer then when at home. It took some time waiting until they were ready to perform the surgery that day. Then all of a sudden a wards men came into the room to take me in and the nerves hit me again, waves of anxiety, fear and dread. I was shaking from head to toe. The anaesthetist came in to see me and then decided that it would be worthwhile to give me some anti anxiety medication to ease me into the operation. That definitely helped as I recall being wheeled into a massive operating theatre telling all of the staff I would buy them a Christmas Present while thanking them for what they were about to do in getting me better. Off I went into a land of nothingness while the surgeon performed the operation of taking out my whole thyroid gland.

I awoke in a panic at first thinking there had been complications (drug brain) and was then told it all went really well and that surgery was over. It took me hours to become coherent from all of the drugs. Eventually I was in ICU recovering. I couldn’t believe I survived the ordeal as it was such a mountain in my mind to go through surgery. Surgery to me was as fearful as someone telling me I had to bungy jump backwards from a high bridge or sky dive out of a plane. All of which don’t appeal to me even the slightest. I was in hospital that first night and the Dr agreed the following day that I could go home that night seeing as I was doing so well which was the 23rd December. Our Christmas was on the 24th December so that was perfect. It was amazing to be home in my own bed however I can’t say that I felt wonderful. I was feeling quite unwell, exhausted to say the least and on the day of our Christmas doubted that I could even go to my sisters and celebrate. I was in bed all day trying to get my energy levels up. In preparation for Christmas I asked my husband to go into the spare room and find some empty Christmas Cards that I could write on and as I was looking through the cards suddenly a Christmas Card from my mum was in the pile. It was her very last Christmas Card to myself, husband and children. Christmas 2020. I sat there overwhelmed with tears as it felt as though the card had made its way to me from my mum to say Merry Christmas regardless of when it was dated. The fact that it made its way to me was in my mind a miracle. Surprisingly after resting all day I felt well enough to celebrate Christmas with my family even though I wasn’t my best self. My husband and I celebrated New Years Eve very simply at home as my energy levels were not great.

It’s ever so easy to go into all sorts of places mentally/emotionally when situations take us by surprise. My follow up with the specialist is this Friday and I will find out if I need any further treatment, secretly hoping the surgery was enough of course. While this experience in the past few weeks has been one of the toughest for me personally I have decided to be THANKFUL that the Cancer was found and removed. Rather then focus on the fact that my holiday wasn’t what I had hoped it was going to be this year it has all worked out and the timing couldn’t be better for recovery before I return back to work on the 9th January.

What I have learnt personally this year is:

  • Don’t put off medical appointments and keep up with check ups.
  • I do have the strength to go through really challenging situations and they don’t need to turn out terrible.
  • Stay calm and remain thankful.
  • I have a new appreciation for people that go through far worse health situations.
  • It’s ok to be scared and fearful, they are just emotions we feel but they won’t dictate the outcomes.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2023 !!!!!

Prior to Surgery waiting patiently…….
The day after surgery 23rd December 2022

Not on my watch â€¦.

An area of weakness within my DNA and core of who I am is the tendency to believe that all people are good and they have your back. Time and time again I have found that not to be the case. We meet people along the path of life whether they be work colleagues, family or friends that can turn on you without warning. Way back in my younger days I was always worried about being liked. It held too much of a focus. I don’t think I was really aware at that age of how hard it can be to please and impress everyone. The need to keep everyone happy OR to be liked had me under a lot of pressure. It had me being someone I wasn’t at different times. I would have to go with the flow, speak as others speak, do as they say OR else be judged, be left behind, be hated OR ignored. I couldn’t stand the idea of others not liking me when I was young.

When you are young and trying to impress others or trying to keep the peace you hold back on who you really are. Others don’t get to know you as YOU. As my young self it felt like such a RISK to be me. FEAR kept me bound, it was about the risk of losing, the risk of failure which had my thoughts, opinions and words locked up inside of me. I would hide them with a smile. Little did others know how painful it really was to keep my mouth closed from speaking, holding in what I really thought about something, pretending to like it, pretending to be happy when I was in fact hurting, angry, sad etc.

As a 52 year old looking back on my young self always gives me clear answers as to how I managed to get into situations that were not good for me. It was always about fitting in, about not upsetting anyone and as mentioned before “going with the flow”. … Blending in, not being different, not having a voice, invisible, silent, careful, on edge, pretending, lonely and sad. In a way I was like a robot doing as others do or being as they wanted me to be. Holding onto the desperate need to please everyone I fought to stay on their good side. People liked me because I didn’t challenge them. I was easy to manipulate, control OR disregard.

The idea that people always have your back was smashed many times over in my life and even now I experience what people can be like. As we all do of course. We all have our experiences with people. Probably one of the most biggest challenges I have given myself since my life changed drastically in 2016 was to never stop being myself. It was about choosing not to be a people pleaser, not allowing myself opportunities to fall into any traps for others to control my life. As I have been there and done that. I paid the ultimate price back in 2016 when I walked away leaving 4 adult children behind. To this day I still cant quite comprehend how I did that, as my children have always been the love of my life. I can only say that it was desperation to save myself that kept me strong. The pain and heartache I went through during that period I wouldn’t even be able to describe unless you are someone that has gone through the same experience. The one thing that has kept me sane is the knowledge that had I not left I would probably not even be half of who I am today. I would have gone to the next level of serious mental health crisis.

Having been through the ultimate sacrifice as a mother I am unable to tolerate certain behaviours from others where once upon a time I would have just smiled and pretended I was ok with it. In my life now I don’t allow others to dictate who I should be. I won’t let anyone no matter who they are, to think they can treat me whichever way they like and think is OK.

Its not OK….

The older me is learning to say NO. I am learning to have boundaries I should have had years ago. I am also learning that as I have been setting boundaries there are people that don’t like me. I am facing the exact situation that I was trying to avoid as a young person. I can no longer please and impress people. I believe that if any person genuinely wants you in their life they will not push you away. If they truly like you then they won’t treat you poorly. I am learning to be OK with people not liking me.

When others don’t like me I remind myself of all the amazing people in my world that do like me and even love me. Having had healthy people in my life over the recent years as given me the opportunity to safely discover who I really am. The people that love me allow me to use my words, to speak my thoughts and share my opinions. They don’t get angry with me for opening up. They want to know how I am and what I think. They don’t treat me terribly. It’s a wonderful feeling to have safe people in my life. I hold onto the people in my life that have shown me they are there for the long haul. I thank them for allowing me to grow into who I am today 🙂

A new beginning

Endings always provide new beginnings.

An ending is final and requires travel through a time of grief, loss, change, and growth.

We often assume life wont change and at times we may get comfortable living in a painful situation.

I have travelled a path of grief, healing and change for just over 4 years now!

Having met someone 3 years ago this December, has provided me safety, assurance, communication, love, gentleness and fantastic support to continue growing and moving forward. We are great for each other! In sync, it flows, its peaceful, healthy, loving, kind, respectful, warm, open, honest, safe, fun, humorous and continues to move in an exciting direction!

As scary as it was in the beginning when discussions came about around building a house together we are nearly on the verge of moving in to a brand new home!

A brand new home and a brand new life together.

When I think about a brand new home and all the work that has taken place it resembles a new relationship.

The ground work starts and a new foundation gets dug out for the beginnings of a home. The empty patch of dirt gets transformed. Step by step the process continues with the foundation, reinforcement, concrete, frames, roof, walls, bricks completed by all the paint and internal work to create a beautiful home.

As our relationship began it went along slowly and grew over time. It allowed me to go through a process of healing as I was shown what it was to be treated with genuine respect, love, care and support. Absolutely beautiful process which I will never take for granted. It is something I only ever dreamed about when I was stuck in an unhealthy marriage. Part of me knew that there must be something better out there then being treated so badly never truly grasping how wonderful it is and how possible.

I certainly never thought I would be building a house with someone!

Yet here we are about to embark on a new chapter with only a maximum of two months to go to be handed the keys to our new home. Its elegant and simply beautiful.

WE worked together in the process from every stage and never once had a fight OR even the slightest disagreement. To work together with someone in such a beautiful way is my miracle. I never could have dreamed it possible that such an amazing relationship with someone who truly loves me, respects me at all times and by that I mean ALL times. He never puts me down, never says anything negative about me, he checks up on me all the time to make sure I am ok. He cares about every aspect of my life. His thoughtful and kind.

We declare our love for each other several times a day and absolutely never tire of saying it or hearing it. Its natural and amazing!!!!

When we started on the project of building a house we went through every aspect doing our very best to make sure we would get something of quality. As people embark on new relationships it is even more important to make it a priority to ensure that every part of your communication and relating is one of quality. Filled with respect, honesty, trust, love and safety. Quality shows, it lasts longer and people around you can admire what they see.

My family have had the opportunity of seeing me truly loved, safe and happy for the first time. Their opinions are important to me. I made sure that as I progressed with the relationship that all of my family liked him and they do! I never took this as something to be considered when I went down a path of marriage as a young person. Several people questioned me about my decision however my stubbornness wouldn’t allow me to listen.

Life is filled with learning, growing and evolving.

New beginnings are beautiful.

I am so grateful for my life now as it has allowed me to truly live and be myself.

Cheers to new beginnings may you experience beautiful moments in your life!

Forgive, forget not.

For those of you who have read my blogs over the past year you would be familiar with all the various challenges and stages I have walked through or rather at times moved at snail’s pace to get to the next day. You yourself may connect with my blogs as perhaps you have or are experiencing truly tough life circumstances, which is one of the reasons I decided to start writing in the first place. To not only help myself to process life with all its challenges but to use my pain and growth for good purposes. If it helps someone it is all worth the effort. In no way do I profess to have all the right answers and we each go through different situations.
What works for me may not work for you!
It’s not so much that I write to give the answers, I write to share my journey with life so others don’t feel alone. I write to breathe hope. To shed light. To let individuals, know that if I can get through it, they can too!
Today I am writing about forgiveness. ♥
This past week has been another one of those very trying and difficult times. Not only have I been battling some sort of virus in my body which has put me out of work now for four days, last weekend I had to meet with my ex-husband for the first time in over one year.
The shear thought initially had me very vulnerable and sensitive. The week prior to seeing him I was experiencing all sorts of emotions. It didn’t seem to make sense. Why was I experiencing so much emotion when I had thought it was already dealt with?
Perhaps it was the unknown.

How was I going to react seeing him especially after everything that has happened?
Was I going to react angry? Sad?
The reality is I was with this person for 27 years and had five children.
It was a special family occasion that put me in the situation of having to see him again.
No amount of psyching myself up was going to help me.
Prior to seeing him as I mentioned I was very sensitive. I went through a series of thoughts, emotions, worries and even regrets.
The moment arrived in which I was in the same room as him. It was perhaps one of the most surreal and awkward times of my life. It was as though a dead person came back to life and they were now in the same room as me.
As I was in what you can call my own ‘safety bubble’ at the time I was unable to notice my young son’s reaction to seeing his own dad after having had no contact with him for the whole time. Prior to the day I had encouraged my young son in coming along as he too was apprehensive. It was not my young sons fault that he hadn’t had contact with his dad nor was it mine. I explained to him that another year on and it will be virtually impossible for him to meet up with his dad. Not the ideal situation by any means.
Amongst family in the same room I stood there with my ex-husband breathing the same air as me. At first, I found it difficult to look his way. Slowly I got braver and could take short glimpses of the man I was married too. Each glimpse was confronting. Each glimpse brought back pain and hurt. Each glimpse touched on sad places in my heart. Each glimpse reminded me that our marriage was over.
WOW!
Then the time came for our first conversation face to face.
It was during our conversation that the reality of our marriage being over was hitting me. We were such separate people now. Any connection we may have had was completely broken. We were like old friends from times past who were having a conversation and catching up on each other’s past year.
There was no topic off limits. We talked about everything.
While in the back of my mind I remembered everything that he had put me through I was able to come to a place in which I told him that ‘I can forgive him’. I choose to forgive him. In the next sentence, I had to let him know that while I forgive him I won’t be able to forget. That as a person I have grown so much and recognised what I want and what I don’t want and what is healthy and what is not.
This sequence of events has helped me heal some more.
Despite the harsh reality of a broken family something has shifted in that I can talk to him without animosity or resentment. I can talk confidently. For the sake of all our children and especially the youngest there is now room for Dad to be in their life if he chooses to be.
This past week I have learnt to FORGIVE.
To GRIEVE again.
To ACCEPT what is.

♥