Posted in Acceptance, courage, Freedom, Healing Process, Inspiration, parenting, relationships, Strength and resilience

Not on my watch ….

An area of weakness within my DNA and core of who I am is the tendency to believe that all people are good and they have your back. Time and time again I have found that not to be the case. We meet people along the path of life whether they be work colleagues, family or friends that can turn on you without warning. Way back in my younger days I was always worried about being liked. It held too much of a focus. I don’t think I was really aware at that age of how hard it can be to please and impress everyone. The need to keep everyone happy OR to be liked had me under a lot of pressure. It had me being someone I wasn’t at different times. I would have to go with the flow, speak as others speak, do as they say OR else be judged, be left behind, be hated OR ignored. I couldn’t stand the idea of others not liking me when I was young.

When you are young and trying to impress others or trying to keep the peace you hold back on who you really are. Others don’t get to know you as YOU. As my young self it felt like such a RISK to be me. FEAR kept me bound, it was about the risk of losing, the risk of failure which had my thoughts, opinions and words locked up inside of me. I would hide them with a smile. Little did others know how painful it really was to keep my mouth closed from speaking, holding in what I really thought about something, pretending to like it, pretending to be happy when I was in fact hurting, angry, sad etc.

As a 52 year old looking back on my young self always gives me clear answers as to how I managed to get into situations that were not good for me. It was always about fitting in, about not upsetting anyone and as mentioned before “going with the flow”. … Blending in, not being different, not having a voice, invisible, silent, careful, on edge, pretending, lonely and sad. In a way I was like a robot doing as others do or being as they wanted me to be. Holding onto the desperate need to please everyone I fought to stay on their good side. People liked me because I didn’t challenge them. I was easy to manipulate, control OR disregard.

The idea that people always have your back was smashed many times over in my life and even now I experience what people can be like. As we all do of course. We all have our experiences with people. Probably one of the most biggest challenges I have given myself since my life changed drastically in 2016 was to never stop being myself. It was about choosing not to be a people pleaser, not allowing myself opportunities to fall into any traps for others to control my life. As I have been there and done that. I paid the ultimate price back in 2016 when I walked away leaving 4 adult children behind. To this day I still cant quite comprehend how I did that, as my children have always been the love of my life. I can only say that it was desperation to save myself that kept me strong. The pain and heartache I went through during that period I wouldn’t even be able to describe unless you are someone that has gone through the same experience. The one thing that has kept me sane is the knowledge that had I not left I would probably not even be half of who I am today. I would have gone to the next level of serious mental health crisis.

Having been through the ultimate sacrifice as a mother I am unable to tolerate certain behaviours from others where once upon a time I would have just smiled and pretended I was ok with it. In my life now I don’t allow others to dictate who I should be. I won’t let anyone no matter who they are, to think they can treat me whichever way they like and think is OK.

Its not OK….

The older me is learning to say NO. I am learning to have boundaries I should have had years ago. I am also learning that as I have been setting boundaries there are people that don’t like me. I am facing the exact situation that I was trying to avoid as a young person. I can no longer please and impress people. I believe that if any person genuinely wants you in their life they will not push you away. If they truly like you then they won’t treat you poorly. I am learning to be OK with people not liking me.

When others don’t like me I remind myself of all the amazing people in my world that do like me and even love me. Having had healthy people in my life over the recent years as given me the opportunity to safely discover who I really am. The people that love me allow me to use my words, to speak my thoughts and share my opinions. They don’t get angry with me for opening up. They want to know how I am and what I think. They don’t treat me terribly. It’s a wonderful feeling to have safe people in my life. I hold onto the people in my life that have shown me they are there for the long haul. I thank them for allowing me to grow into who I am today 🙂

Posted in courage, Inspiration, Strength and resilience, Uncategorized

My mum an inspiration

Life for myself and family turned into a whirlwind on the 31st December 2020 when my mum was diagnosed with aggressive non-hodgkin’s lymphoma. The prognosis without treatment was not a happy ending! We were all in shock and my mum was taken by surprise without a moments notice as it came on suddenly, without warning sending her to hospital when on that day she was planning to go on a summer camping trip with my dad. The camping trip was diverted and that was a god send. It’s as though from the very start my mum was protected, guided and strengthened with every step for what was going to be the biggest fight of her life for the next 7 months.

Numb, shocked and saddened are some of the words that provide a tiny glimpse of how we all felt. Broken, lost, helpless, scared and grief stricken. None of us could have possibly imagined what we were going to witness with our own eyes. The moments of deep sorrow, painfilled concerns, questions, the whys and the how’s we all pulled together to support her like her life depended on it, and it did!!!!

My mum started intensive chemotherapy as a 73 year old for the first time in her life! Our family was not one to have experienced such a journey, watching and supporting someone so ever close to us being poked and prodded, treated with medication that was both poison and a trigger for her body to start the big fight! We were all standing strong with her, when alone we were weak and scared. All of our vulnerabilities were touched from one moment to the next.

As soon as the battle started her new name was “”Wonder Woman””, she was and still is absolutely amazing! I have no doubt that in her quiet moments when she was alone her thoughts would have taken her to desperate places. Mum was extremely determined after the initial shock and overwhelming sadness to begin the fight. I couldn’t believe how strong she was, not even giving into any type of negativity, not reading anyone’s “sorry messages” on her phone. THE only people she wanted around her were her 4 daughter’s and my dad.

There were different types of chemotherapy used, some treatments she went home with and others that could only be given in hospital over several days. The specialist’s and nurses were all outstanding, they were the ones on the forefront focused and strong to make sure they gave her every chance to continue living life. Each of us daughters and dad were standing strong and united, strategizing to ensure mum was never alone in the hospital.

There were some scares amidst the treatment when we were told the cancer had spread to her spinal fluid. However as quick as that came to light is as quick as it was gone after specific treatment was designed to eradicate it. The treatment was effective and it provided a sigh of relief to continue the focus on the rest of her body that was being attacked. Mum kept with the treatment like a trooper! After the last chemotherapy which was by far the most hard hitting on her body she had a week at home and then all of a sudden her body started showing signs of something being very wrong. After a lot of investigation it was found that her pik line was infected, they removed the pic line and then started a whole new regime of treatments to eliminate infection from her body, her body that had been through so much already. Once again we were all fighting strong with her, quietly by ourselves scared, hoping for the war to be won.

Happy to say that we all left the hospital together with her when she was better, ready to go home and start recovery. She had six weeks of recovery before the dreaded day being a Pet Scan that would tell the specialist what the outcome would be.

THE CANCER WAS ALL GONE!

No lymphoma anywhere to be found!!!!!!!

While my mum is still recovering, we are celebrating a massive win to what was the biggest fight of all of our lives. My mum is my inspiration, whenever I am dealing with something anxiety provoking, scary or unknown, I think of my mum and say to myself, “”if mum could go through that big war, I can do anything””!!!!

Love you Mum with all my heart and I am so happy you are still with us 🙂 Xxxxxxx

Posted in Freedom, Inspiration

ive grown up and refuse to be put in a box.

The best part about growing old is the freedom you feel in finally being your true self. We grow up battered and bruised by all sorts of situations moulding ourselves to fit other peoples expectations. How we mould ourselves tends to suit others. We become what they think we are, what they want us to be and wonder why we are not truly happy.

IF anything the biggest challenge for me has been having a voice. I’ve grown up all my life pleasing people, keeping people from getting angry, maintaining calm and peace to avoid conflict as I would most always be the loser. This meant that I just shut up and put up with whatever was dished out to me to avoid drama or rejection. This is something that was ingrained into the depths of my behaviour and belief system from a very long time ago. I learnt to be quiet, say nothing, don’t cause waves, no one really wants to know what you have to say, who do you think you are to have an opinion, a valid feeling OR any thought of your own for that matter.

Who do you think you are that you can speak your mind, your hurts, your pain, your disappointment, your anything???

NO doubt starting school unable to speak English or even understand the language didn’t help my case, I just never had the safety to open up and share my valid feelings. This created a young person that was open to more trouble and open to people that would take advantage of her inability to stand up for herself. I’ve been through manipulation, emotional abuse, neglect, discarded, put down, invalidated, lied about, under valued and have been put in a box, sealed tight to only be allowed to live in that small space so that everyone else feels comfortable.

WHY?

I don’t know? I will never understand?

BUT I do know that just as everyone else on this planet has their voice, their feelings, their opinions, their wishes, their thoughts I DO TOO.

Having finally figured out over the past 5 years that I deserve so much more, I have been on a journey to free myself from the boxes people like to keep me in. My past experience dictated my behaviour. Whenever I spoke up about my feelings I was rejected, neglected and made to feel pretty damn shit about it. All the while it seemed everyone else was free to speak with no consequences.

SO I have been growing into a person who no longer fears rejection from others. Should they reject me then that’s on them and they clearly don’t value me in their life. I will never again be kept in a box and kept small and tiny with no voice.

I am learning that just as others can speak their mind to be heard well so can I.

Why should I be any different…

It is massive to release yourself from the fear of others, the fear of what they will do or say should you stand up for yourself. When you mould yourself into something you are not and live that way for a very long time others tend to think there is something wrong with you when you decide that’s not you after all. Those people usually don’t really take into account how that might make you feel being kept small and closed in. UNTIL you get the right people in your life that truly support you, love you, respect you, and want to see you grow and move forward. They are the ones you should listen to and believe. They are your biggest supporters and they will be with you all the way never giving up on you. They have your back, they stand up for you, they care about how you feel and how you have or are being treated. They don’t disrespect you behind your back, they have integrity and your best interests at heart.

Safe and healthy people in your life want you to grow and be your true self, they want you to be happy and free. They are the ones that hold your hand and say I will walk with you through anything. I love that!!!!!

There was a time I was frustrated about getting older but now I think its amazing, its freeing and I love the person that I am now, the person that is not subject to other peoples approvals or demands. If someone chooses to reject me, for me, well that’s out of my control and its not going to stop me from living.

When it all comes down to it and one day you are at the end of your life, if you can “hand on heart” say that you have no regrets with who you are as a person then that’s all the matters. One day every single person is going to be at that point in their lives when they are about to leave this earth and it is at that point that it wont matter who rejected you, mistreated you, or had no value of you in their lives. In that moment it will be about the ones that truly supported you and loved you for you.!!!!

No more boxes, no more time wasted on the people that don’t have any genuine interest or concern for your well being.

Move On, Move Forward and enjoy every single day that you are breathing.

Much Love,

Anu XXX

Posted in Acceptance, courage, Emotional/psychological abuse, Healing Process, Inspiration, relationships, Strength and resilience

standing strong

To finally have the courage to break free from an emotionally abusive relationship is by far one of the most difficult steps one will ever take. It doesn’t stop there though. It requires a lot of work on your part to de-tangle all the tightly knit lies and twisted thinking that the other person carefully planted into your thoughts. Remembering that the longer you were in the relationship the more there is to de-tangle.

It is a lot to deal with and work through when on one hand you marry a person thinking they truly love you to then go through year after year of mixed messages from them that make you feel broken. They break you one bit at a time. YOU are put into situations that hurt. A person that is feeling hurt will at some point unravel and start falling apart.

As emotional abuse is so silent and undetected others watching on at times only see your reactions of hurt and may start to think that you are your own enemy. That perhaps you are reacting with hurt due to your own brokenness. The person doing the real damage behind the scenes likes to make it look like it was you all along. They not only convince you for years that your natural responses to pain are your own doing or your own unhealed parts not their actions. They also like to convince other people that you are broken, that they are not the cause of your reactions. Its so deceptive and silent.

Imagine for a moment that someone came along and hit you! Maybe they walked up to you and punched you in the face, your natural reaction to that pain would be justified. Others looking on would not question your hurt, they would say it was justified, they saw you get punched. Its out in the open, its obvious as day light. Emotional abuse is hidden in the dark, its only obvious to the person experiencing it. So you are then faced with other challenges after leaving the relationship.

There maybe people in your life that have been swept up in the idea that you are the problem. That you were not abused. That maybe you are the abuser!

This is where standing strong comes into the scene.

THE people in your life that don’t give you the opportunity to be understood will always misunderstand you.

They have a perception about you that has been weaved into their minds by a person and should they refuse you the opportunity to be understood for what you have experienced and gone through then that relationship will not move forward.

Yes that is another side effect of leaving an abusive relationship that you cannot control. It requires strength and daily reminders to yourself of what you have lived through and how your life is so much better now.

I personally have worked through so much in the past 4 plus years and am so grateful to have another chance at life to live peacefully. I write about my experiences to allow others who may be going through that type of abuse to give them strength and hope.

Its an avenue for me to communicate and share that what could help someone else.

Always stand strong in who you are and never let anyone destroy you. Hold onto the people in your life that love you no matter what, the ones that support you through thick and thin. I am so grateful for my fiancé and my family who love me unconditionally and understand my journey. I never have to justify myself to them and they see me as I am.

STAND STRONG ALWAYS!!!!!

Posted in Inspiration

A new beginning

Endings always provide new beginnings.

An ending is final and requires travel through a time of grief, loss, change, and growth.

We often assume life wont change and at times we may get comfortable living in a painful situation.

I have travelled a path of grief, healing and change for just over 4 years now!

Having met someone 3 years ago this December, has provided me safety, assurance, communication, love, gentleness and fantastic support to continue growing and moving forward. We are great for each other! In sync, it flows, its peaceful, healthy, loving, kind, respectful, warm, open, honest, safe, fun, humorous and continues to move in an exciting direction!

As scary as it was in the beginning when discussions came about around building a house together we are nearly on the verge of moving in to a brand new home!

A brand new home and a brand new life together.

When I think about a brand new home and all the work that has taken place it resembles a new relationship.

The ground work starts and a new foundation gets dug out for the beginnings of a home. The empty patch of dirt gets transformed. Step by step the process continues with the foundation, reinforcement, concrete, frames, roof, walls, bricks completed by all the paint and internal work to create a beautiful home.

As our relationship began it went along slowly and grew over time. It allowed me to go through a process of healing as I was shown what it was to be treated with genuine respect, love, care and support. Absolutely beautiful process which I will never take for granted. It is something I only ever dreamed about when I was stuck in an unhealthy marriage. Part of me knew that there must be something better out there then being treated so badly never truly grasping how wonderful it is and how possible.

I certainly never thought I would be building a house with someone!

Yet here we are about to embark on a new chapter with only a maximum of two months to go to be handed the keys to our new home. Its elegant and simply beautiful.

WE worked together in the process from every stage and never once had a fight OR even the slightest disagreement. To work together with someone in such a beautiful way is my miracle. I never could have dreamed it possible that such an amazing relationship with someone who truly loves me, respects me at all times and by that I mean ALL times. He never puts me down, never says anything negative about me, he checks up on me all the time to make sure I am ok. He cares about every aspect of my life. His thoughtful and kind.

We declare our love for each other several times a day and absolutely never tire of saying it or hearing it. Its natural and amazing!!!!

When we started on the project of building a house we went through every aspect doing our very best to make sure we would get something of quality. As people embark on new relationships it is even more important to make it a priority to ensure that every part of your communication and relating is one of quality. Filled with respect, honesty, trust, love and safety. Quality shows, it lasts longer and people around you can admire what they see.

My family have had the opportunity of seeing me truly loved, safe and happy for the first time. Their opinions are important to me. I made sure that as I progressed with the relationship that all of my family liked him and they do! I never took this as something to be considered when I went down a path of marriage as a young person. Several people questioned me about my decision however my stubbornness wouldn’t allow me to listen.

Life is filled with learning, growing and evolving.

New beginnings are beautiful.

I am so grateful for my life now as it has allowed me to truly live and be myself.

Cheers to new beginnings may you experience beautiful moments in your life!