Your Path, Your Pace

An item of clothing bought decades ago does not always qualify for the fashion of the current day. Equally relevant is the fact that what I was able to wear as a teenager decades ago does not work for me anymore. If I were to attempt to wear a short skirt I can guarantee that it would look ridiculous and out of place. As much as I would love to fit into today’s teenage fashions the reality is a big No.

Yes, sad I know….

Fashion changes from one year to the next, which is similar to our lives. We go from one season to another. Each season presents us with new challenges and opportunities for growth. Besides the obvious physical changes our bodies go through we also change as a person. We mature and develop emotionally and are better equipped to handle life’s responsibilities.

You will find that in my blogs I refer a lot to my teenage years. The reason being is that my teenage years were filled with so many struggles. It feels like only yesterday that I felt utter frustration around my identity. Striving to feel good about myself quickly failed. At the time I had no idea what was going on nor did I have any answers for how to navigate the season more productively.

Going back to the topic of revolving fashion there was a certain fashion that never seemed to outdate itself in my life. Let’s just call this piece of fashion my negative outfit. There could of been a better choice of outfit however,  I chose  the negative outfit each day as it almost called to me.

Thinking about outfits or suits puts images in my mind of super heroes.  One of my all-time super heroes when I was young was ‘wonder woman’; her outfit represented the power to save the world, she was confident and was not focused on herself.  The outfit I put on every day was the complete opposite it represented a person who was afraid to be themselves and preferred to hide.

Perhaps the only common feature between my outfit and wonder woman’s outfit was that they were indestructible!  My negative outfit was day and night wear at its best. The comfort of that outfit resembled the comfort one feels in their most favourite pair of jeans. Not only was I comfortable in the negative outfit it provided me with the idea of safety, the safety of not being hurt again. A shield if you like.

The truth was that this outfit was very destructive, it had the power to put me in a foul mood very quickly. It kept me trapped in a very small world.  In other words between me and the world the negative outfit was my protection.  In the event that a possible threat might present itself then my negative outfit was suitable for keeping enemies away.  A threat for me was anyone or any situation that had the potential to bring out my insecurities to touch those raw areas that hurt like hell when someone came too close to them.

The outfit represented the person I was; it had become my identity.

In high school I was always confused and consistently questioned myself  as to why it seemed so difficult to connect with others. Wearing that outfit kept me hidden. People didn’t really see me they saw only what I was living in.  So rather than seeing the real me they stopped at the outfit.

What does negativity look like?

Everyone knows negative is opposite to positive. I looked it up in the Merriam Webster Dictionary which gives the simple definition as:

1. Harmful or bad; not wanted
2. Thinking about the bad qualities of someone or something; thinking that a bad result will happen; not hopeful or optimistic
3. Expressing dislike or disapproval

The definition of the word negative described me or my outfit perfectly:

Marked by features of hostility, withdrawal, or pessimism that hinder or oppose constructive treatment or development.

I wasn’t the sort of person that got into fights at school, I was always on guard to imagined threats or potential real ones. Only the people that knew me well, got to know the real me, and there were not many. My stance was distant and defensive.  My mind was busy analysing peoples true intentions and purpose. Hesitantly waiting for the moment they were going to come out with what they really wanted to say. And of course that would be something negative!

Being a positive person was definitely not natural for me. As I started dealing with my internal hurts my choices of outfits started to change. This change took place over several years and I am still on a journey.

While I wish I could say that I am never negative the truth is occasionally I search for that outfit and squeeze into it for a short moment. The difference between now and the past is that in the past I wore the outfit every single day for years. Today I put it on briefly only to realise that it is no longer comfortable to wear. There is no joy wearing that outfit. I recognise that when I wear the negative outfit it puts the brakes on in my life. My world becomes all about me again and that is when life starts to get messy and frustrating.

To be positive continues to be my work in progress. In the past it would have been almost impossible to find something positive in bad situations yet these days it never takes me long to see the good amongst the bad.

As I have journeyed along in life and allowed for my inner hurts to be healed or have chosen to let go of what I can’t control the choices of outfits in my wardrobe have considerably increased and improved, you could say they are more fashionable!

Even with more options of outfits I am aware that they do not define me. It is about who I am on the inside. The more comfortable I am about myself the less I rely on anything external.

Today it doesn’t matter so much what I wear as I am content in who I am and the clothes don’t make me!

 

What is your favourite outfit?