Mixed emotions can feel like pieces of you have just been cut up and put into a blender to be made into some kind of smoothie. Only this smoothie is bitter and tasteless, it’s one of those drinks you wouldn’t make for your worst enemy.
It sounds like a harsh recipe but life can be harsh sometimes!
When living through an extremely harsh time it can feel like you are slowly sipping that bitter tasteless smoothie by force. You don’t want to drink it but somehow it feels as though you’re being forced too.
While you are drinking this horrible drink you can see others enjoying their chocolate smoothie and you just wish you could swap with someone for just a moment and have a taste of something better instead of bitter.
The mixed emotions start to have a voice and all you can hear are the words “Why me?”
It’s difficult when emotions are skipping from sad to angry, all the while hoping for some happy every now and then.
The sad and angry emotions can feel like they are taking over and turning you into a different person. A person you never thought you would be. You can feel scared of becoming lost as your usual self isn’t around so much anymore.
When it comes to these mixed emotions you realise after sometime that you don’t get a switch to turn them off. There is no timer. There is no telling how long they are going to last.
Other questions begin to surface such as; what if, why was I so stupid, how can this happen, how is it possible to hurt so much.
When you are living with these mixed emotions it can feel as though strangers can read your private story because you feel so raw, vulnerable and broken.
Life takes on a sort of frozen state. You try hard to get life back to normal but the sad and angry emotions have become your breakfast, lunch and dinner.
You begin to remember life as it used to be when you didn’t need to deal with these emotions with such intensity. No amount of remembering brings you out of the current situation. It remains like a bad nightmare.
You realise after sometime that there is no quick fix through, any shortcuts or super heroes that will come and rescue you from this pain. As hard as we may fight against it, there is no winning until you get to the other side of it.
This my friend is the story of grief……♥