Relationships can be fulfilling, helping us to grow and develop into loving human beings. We learn to share and consider the feelings of others. We compromise as it’s not always about getting our own way. MOST of ALL it’s about a LOVE shared between two people from two very different backgrounds and upbringings. We first meet with the hope “this is the one”, the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with. We dive in deep putting 100% into the relationship with the knowledge there will be times it might get tough and that’s when you don’t quit. You keep going making sacrifices, apologising, you tell the truth, you read up on books about marriage written by professionals. Professionals who know what they are talking about, you enquire from others about what they did when their relationships experienced cracks and with the newfound knowledge you take this and make it your own. Inspired to ignite the flame within your relationship when it becomes cold and empty.
This all sounds very legit and sensible? This is how it should be and that is what I believed and stood by for decades. Trouble was it didn’t work for me long term, it may have provided some escape and breathing space yet truthfully it was a false sense of hope. I truly was kidding myself. I was in denial and could not accept the facts. Facts don’t lie they show the truth by actions. We are all good at saying what someone wants to hear but words are only words if not accompanied by actions that match.
Let me break it down for you into simple facts to demonstrate how we can kid ourselves into believing we are in a true loving and healthy relationship.
In the first row I’ve noted down a false belief and in the next row a truth bomb! Make up your own mind and seriously think about what sort of relationship you could be nurturing. Believe me no amount of nurturing will create something healthy out of abuse, manipulation and mental instability. Everything I ever read about OR enquired about only works with two people who are healthy in the first place. When one person is so broken that the behaviour is abusive whether it be emotional, verbal or physical then none of the above will work. I could have kept going for decades and yet it would have continued to get so bad that who knows where I may have ended up?
Thank God HE my ex told me to leave, I took that door of freedom and did just that, which gives me a clear balanced view of what I was living with and how different it looks now in a healthy relationship. I have something to compare.
False Belief #
# BE the first to apologise
Truth Bomb#
# Constant apologies enable bad behaviour
False Belief#
# Apologise to have a healthy relationship
Truth Bomb#
# Mistreatment will continue
False Belief#
# Be open and honest
Truth Bomb#
# They will lie to you regardless
False Belief#
# Ignore their disrespect no one is perfect
Truth Bomb#
# They disrespect everyone consistently
False Belief#
# Good communication will sort it out
Truth Bomb#
# Your best efforts will get twisted around
False Belief#
# Understand they are broken
Truth Bomb#
# Understanding won’t fix them
False Belief#
# They will change if I don’t say anything
Truth Bomb#
# You will upset them anyway
False Belief#
# I will say it nicely
Truth Bomb#
# They won’t hear you; you are the bad one
False Belief#
# Be a team and plan together
Truth Bomb#
# Plans agreed on will always be broken
False Belief#
# Support them always
Truth Bomb#
# Be prepared to live in contradiction
False Belief#
# Create respect
Truth Bomb#
# Doesn’t mean they will respect people
False Belief#
# Take responsibility for your actions
Truth Bomb#
# Perfect they will always say it was you!
False Belief#
# Communicate after disagreements
Truth Bomb#
# You will always be blamed ALWAYS
False Belief#
# Give people chances
Truth Bomb#
# How many are you prepared for? Endless?
False Belief#
# Stick up for your partner
Truth Bomb#
# Watch them hurt family, kids and friends
False Belief#
# Ask for their advice and support
Truth Bomb#
# Be careful you might be manipulated
While this list is not extensive it provides an idea of how we can fool ourselves into believing that by doing all the right things we will have a healthy and loving relationship. Generally, this would be correct if it were a healthy relationship.
People who are in healthy relationships may not make much sense of this list, but I guarantee if you are one of those people with an abusive partner or in a toxic relationship then this will make complete sense. You will relate somewhat to what I have described. Their maybe some variances and you more likely could add your own ones to this list.
The overall message is that in an unhealthy/toxic/abusive relationship your best efforts at doing your part will not change the other person. Unless they choose to make a consistent and genuine effort taking responsibility for their part then you will be living in a false sense of hope.
I’m so passionate about sharing my story as I was once this person who was kidding themselves into believing their marriage was going to get better, that my partner was going to change and respect me and the people in my world. That they would turn into that person I could truly look up to and stand beside without feeling shame or regret.
The reality for me was this did not happen!
Please note I am not saying people can’t change and get better.
The fact is some people don’t want too!
Now that I am experiencing for the first time what it is like in a healthy relationship, I can honestly say they are two completely different worlds. Communicating is not difficult, there is complete respect, trust, admiration, no manipulation, no abuse, its BEAUTIFUL to experience the true nature of a healthy wholesome relationship. This relationship has all the ingredients for long lasting happiness, peace, love and safety.
Safety is important.
I didn’t experience physical abuse however I did experience emotional abuse, and this can have long lasting effects mentally and physically. Mental abuse is said to effect people more as it’s a hidden abuse. Only the person themselves truly know how it feels as there are no physical bruises on the outside to prove it.
PLEASE STOP KIDDING YOURSELF!
The Change that changes you 