Pathways and Possibilities

This past four months has given me time!!! I hit the ground running back in February 2017 when I was rebuilding my life following a 27 year marriage breakdown and fast exit. So many events good and bad have happened since then and as we know when working fulltime you are provided with a distraction. You don’t have the luxury of sitting with your thoughts for too long, you just get back up and continue with your daily routine.

For the first time in what feels like forever I have nothing but time! It has been a whole new journey of its own. Last year was one of the hardest in terms of work. I was put in a position where I had to cope with an extremely toxic environment, unhealthy on all levels! I am the sort of person that doesn’t give up easily so I continued hesitantly going to work until my emotions/ mind and body said “That’s Enough”!!!

I found myself sitting in front of the Doctor broken and overwhelmed explaining how I had just hit a wall and I didn’t know what to do. The Doctor knew exactly what was going on and gently guided me into my options. A diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder has seen me off work now for four months. Moving forward the goal with the right support, will be to identify another role in a healthier environment so I can work again.

During this break I have been grappling with my own thoughts and memories. Last year my confidence and self esteem took a hard hit, like a bad/unhealthy relationship. It is as though I experienced an earthquake and have been dealing with the after shocks one by one. I have re-visited anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, stress, worry, physical and emotional battles. You realise just how much our traumatic experiences in the past are linked to our current experiences and how easy it is to ignore the warning signs when something is not right.

As humans you can only sustain unhealthy/toxic situations for a period of time until your body puts on the brakes! Particularly as you get older. When you reach a certain point in age, your body starts to change and so does your capacity emotionally and mentally. It is a time where you need to prioritise what is most important to you. Obviously this varies between each person depending on their circumstances. Due to my circumstances being post menopause and having no thyroid gland I have more limitations then what I did when I was younger. My body is less likely to manage overwhelming stress for very long as it can’t cope. So I have to regularly check in with myself to ensure I am not using my energy in places or with people that aren’t really that important.

Energy is a valuable resource!!! It shouldn’t be wasted on anything that is unhealthy. You need to look after it to make sure you can use it where it is needed most in daily life. I have to make regular choices as to what I will engage in, and that doesn’t mean I always get it right. It is a learning process!